Dreary meal choices, sticking it to a soft drink corporation and eating from a stranger's pockets. You couldn't make up the week in celebrity Twitter, and I didn't have to.


"Lunch!avocados are filled with cayenne pepper lime n SALT!"

- Dominic Monaghan truly lives a life of culinary excess.

"Stranger: are you gok? Me: yes. Stranger: your hair is different, you look like gok's younger brother. HAPPY! X"

- Gok Wan is easily pleased.

"If I eat a brownie SLOWLY throughout the day, will it have as many calories??....;)"

- Yes, yes, and yes Kirstie Alley.

"And now we have True Blood. It's like a school play shot in HD, by students. If you ever need proof that acting is embarrassing..."

- Taika Waititi is no fan of the nocturnal goings on in Bon Temps.

"Awesome, five people stopped following me after True Blood comment. Guess what, I also hate coca-cola! F**k y'all!"

- And later lays down the law to the haters and one very powerful beverage corporation.

"@xmclearyx: Just had a look at @rickygervais on here. never seen a more insecure egomaniac." How dare you. I'm a very secure egomaniac."

- It really is all about you, Ricky Gervais.

"It is at this point that I would like to invite the British weather to go f**k itself."

- Simon Pegg says what I'm sure about 60 million Britons are thinking about now.

 
"Can't wait for episode 4 of "Mrs. Eastwood & Company" when Clint files for divorce & cuts his kids out of his will for doing a reality show."

- Jeffrey Ross says what every viewer of E!'s newest reality offering must be thinking about now.

"Why did the can crusher quit his job? He found it soda pressing. #ClassicJokeMonday"

- It's now Wednesday and Ellen DeGeneres' joke has not matured with age.

"skyped mum today, she hates it. "do I have to look at your face? it's so big on the screen, it's awful""

- There's nothing like a mother's love. Or perhaps nothing like David Farrier's mother's love.

"Was in the elevator and a lady offered all of us an almond straight out of her pocket. I oddly ate it"

- A strange woman's nuts? Watch out, Kris Humphries. She could have been a Kardashian assassin.

"There are days when I wish someone would leave me behind at the pub. #cameron"

- I second Hilary Barry's sentiment.

"R u f ing kidding me? The poor tool on Bachelorette is getting tea etiquette lessons. Just go down on her w a scone n jam?"

- Afternoon tea and dessert at once? I like Kathy Griffin's style!

"Blonde girl problems.. When u go to blow dry your bangs and realize u don't have any. #bleachHaircut"

- Fear not. I read this week you were producing plenty of hair in other areas in time for your Playboy shoot, Jenny McCarthy.

"I want every one of Charlize Theron's evil queen costumes from "Snow White and the Huntsman." Brilliant!"

- 'Evil queen' may be a term more suited to your sister, Nicky Hilton.

"Maid, I request a swarovski crystal encrusted laser pointer to chase. Fetch me one MEOW!"

- Karl Lagerfeld's pet cat Choupette is on Twitter. Need I say more?

"Marriage Tip - Women give your man kudos for working hard at work at the end of the day.Stroke they're egos..they'll give u the best love back"

- Coco's marriage advice is very 1950s, while her grammar is still at a juvenile level.

"Bought my kids 'Monster Fighters' lego. Brilliant - the swamp creature and a mummy w ghost horse chased by gal in mini copter w crossbow."

- Lego has come a long way since Rhys Darby's day.

"I am in favour of gay marriage so long as everyone promises 2 uphold the heterosexual tradition of having pointless arguments."

- I concur with Ali Ikram and nominate who snores the loudest, who's the most tired and who gets landed with the most dirty dishes as topics.

"Just saw "sandwich/Jewish/grape juice" written in my joke notebook. No clue what this bit was but sounds like a lost gem."

- Indeed, Aziz Ansari. Do work on that one.

 
"Paula Abdul would have done a better job judging the @MannyPacquiao fight"

- Even Paula? Surely you jest, Jimmy Kimmel.

"Think the pants I've chosen to wear today might be see-through. Hm. Too late now, I'm at the bank. Gulp."

- Avert your gaze if you see Jaquie Brown out and about.

"Love biking to work on a nice day, especially on one of those bikes that has 4 wheels and an engine and my driver driving it."

- Stephen Colbert and I share the same transportation style.