Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie engage in a bit of "bride wars", a popular Silver Fern says "I do", and Kate Middleton's cousin keeps it classy in Playboy.
One story dominates this week's gossip magazines – Jennifer Aniston's happily-ever-after engagement to boyfriend Justin Theroux.
In case you were hiding under a rock last week, Justin went and put a ring on it, asking Jennifer to marry him while out for dinner on his birthday - a ploy the Woman's Day claims was Jen's best 'Friend' Courteney Cox's idea.
The Weekly lays it on thick, saying Aniston was once "Hollywood's unluckiest leading lady" and "the woman we all pitied". I, for one, never pitied Jennifer Aniston. She's beautiful, loaded with cash and has slept with Brad Pitt.
Which nicely leads us to the "bride wars" Jen is supposedly engaging in with Brad Pitt's new intended, one Angelina Jolie.
"Jen’s ultimate revenge! How she ruined Angelina and Brad's wedding day" shouts New Idea's cover, alongside a photo of Jen grinning like a Cheshire Cat and an amusing picture of a horrified Angelina. How long did the magazine's photo editor spend looking for that?
New Idea reports Angelina is outraged Jennifer and Justin announced the news of their engagement on the weekend that she was tipped to marry Aniston's ex-hubby, Brad Pitt. If the timing really was that deliberate, you could argue Angie perhaps deserved it. Just a little. (In the interests of transparency, I should probably mention I am "Team Aniston".)"Jen managed to derail Angelina's big day simply by accepting her boyfriend Justin Theroux's marriage proposal," New Idea claims. They cite a source as saying Brad took "immediate steps" to postpone his wedding in the wake of Jennifer's big news.
Angelina is now supposedly planning "the most opulent, to-die-for perfect wedding in showbiz history, leaving Jen nowhere to go in terms of outclassing her".Nice.
Meanwhile, New Idea also has the news of Kate Middleton's second cousin, Katrina Darling, keeping it classy by appearing on the cover of none other than Playboy magazine. Can't choose your family, eh Kate?
Darling only found out she was Middleton's relation when members of the press examined the royal wife's family tree and gave the second cousin a call.
It should be mentioned here that Darling has never actually met the Duchess of Cambridge. But that hasn't stopped her cashing in on her tenuous royal connection, receiving a six-figure sum for an eight-page spread in Playboy. As New Idea points out, she doesn't go so far as showing off the crown jewels, as it were - but she has filmed a "special private dance" for the magazine’s website.
She won't be performing the special dance at the next royal soiree though.
"I'm very confident but I don’t think I could do it in front of royals. I'm too afraid they'd blush at my moves," she says. (We don't reckon Prince Harry would.)
Darling says she achieved her newfound "fame" through years of hard work taking her clothes off in shows around Europe, not because somebody discovered she is Kate Middleton’s cousin. I believe there is a Tui billboard in that somewhere.
The Woman's Day runs pictures of cute-as-a-button Katy Perry and her new beau, John Mayer. The magazine quotes friends of the pop star as saying they're concerned Katy will wind up hurt by "bad boy" John.
"Katy’s friends think she’s playing with fire. After everything she has gone through with Russell [Brand], they’re worried about John’s womanising."
Does anyone know how John Mayer always manages to land such beautiful women? Answers on a postcard, please.
The Day also has photos of recently retired Silver Fern Temepara George's wedding.
The popular netballer and mother-of-two tied the knot with police officer boyfriend, Wayne Bailey, on the beach in Samoa. The bride shunned the traditional white dress, instead opting for a pale pink creation, courtesy of designer Jane Yeh.
She also used her wedding vows to hint at adding to their combined family.
"I will always be here for you," she told Bailey. "You make me feel like I’m the only person in the room and I always feel safe and protected when I’m with you. I want to grow old with you, laugh with you ... and maybe extend our family."
Watch this space, folks...
Speaking of extending families, New Idea says Demi Moore is planning to adopt a baby.
"She really wanted to adopt a child with Ashton [Kutcher], but he wasn't up for it. Now that she’s single and can make her own choices, she’s seriously looking into it," blabs a source.
Perhaps Demi is planning to adopt a Kiwi baby, with the Day reporting she is heading to New Zealand with Martin Henderson. Although the trip would suggest things are getting serious between Ms Moore and our Kiwi lad, the magazine claims otherwise.
"She's going [on holiday with Martin] just as friends, and while she adores him, she can't commit to another man right now and doesn’t want to be seen to be leading him on. He's told her he fully understands and thinks it will be a good break for her."
Finally, New Idea reports that E.L. James, the author of the hugely popular "mummy porn" series, 'Fifty Shades Of Grey', is planning to rewrite and publish the first book she wrote, 'Safe Haven', as well as potentially rewriting 'Fifty Shades Of Grey' from Christian Grey's point of view.
God help us all.
And that's it from the mags this week!