This week, the royal family is at war, the Beckhams cook up baby number five - and Sonny Bill puts a ring on it.
Now that the dust has settled on the Kristen-Stewart-cheating-on-Robert-Pattinson calamity, the magazines this week turn their attentions back to the royals.
The folks at New Idea have looked into their crystal ball and proclaim to have the due date of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge's first baby. Yes, really. The momentous day is August 27, 2013 for anyone who cares. If William and Kate do have a baby on that exact date, I will eat my keyboard.
The magazine also helpfully has a timeline of events around the birth of the royal baby (whenever that does eventuate), so be sure to get the diaries out and start planning for the first official photocalls.
New Idea even goes so far as to discuss whether or not Kate and William's baby boy will be circumcised. I now know that Princes Charles, Andrew and Edward were all circumcised. And now you guys all know too. Thanks, New Idea. Thanks very much.
The Woman's Day, meanwhile, runs a comment made by British Tory MP Claire Perry, who told a gathering at Kate Middleton’s former school: "I think Kate is pregnant. It would be good for the economy."
A royal historian goes on to sum up what we all think following that proclamation: "Unless Claire has visited the same gynaecologist [as Kate], it strikes me as extremely unlikely she might know."
Still with the royal family, the Woman's Weekly leads with "Royals at WAR! The feud that's tearing the palace apart." Apparently, it's Prince Charles and the Wales crew facing off against Prince Andrew and his York posse. I think we all know who's going to win that one.
According to the Weekly, Prince Andrew believes his older brother Charles is trying to push him and his daughters, Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie, out of royal life - a ploy that will probably be unpopular with no-one.
Andrew is said to be furious that his two daughters, "the only blood princesses of their generation", are without official royal roles, while all attention is fixed on Charles, his sons and his flavour of the month daughter-in-law. As far as the other royal siblings go, apparently Prince Edward is disappointed with how things are panning out, but Princess Anne could hardly care less.
But never mind all that royal palaver - the Woman's Day is saying Sonny Bill Williams has only gone and put a ring on it.
The magazine has pictures of the rugby player, loved and hated in equal measure in this country, alongside 22-year-old medical student Aleisha Berryman.
The two first struck up a relationship in September last year, and it looks like they're pretending that whole Jaime Ridge business didn't happen between then and now, because Aleisha has been pictured with - gasp - a sparkly diamond on her wedding ring finger.
Although, there is no confirmation that Sonny Bill is, in fact, engaged, the Day still goes on to say "down-to-earth Aleisha is possibly New Zealand's luckiest girl." I know a few girls who would probably dispute that claim.
Meanwhile, the Day and New Idea fight over whether or not David and Victoria Beckham's marriage is on the rocks.
While the Day leads with claims that Posh is feeling unloved and hurt, New Idea features loved-up pictures of Britain's super-star couple, with the claims they're trying for baby number five.
With the Beckhams in London for the Olympics, New Idea points out that David is no longer bound by the national football team’s "no sex during competition" rule. And they say Victoria is putting that to good use in the hopes of conceiving another child while they're in Britain. Oh Posh, why do you taunt us so, you lucky devil?
But the Day says this supposed fifth Beckham child is what we like to call a "Band-Aid baby", because apparently this Olympics is ruining marriages.
"After the [Olympics] opening ceremony, [Victoria] went ballistic at [David] and accused him of flirting with a group of gymnasts. He insisted they were just chatting and told her she was being 'paranoid' and 'ridiculous'," says an 'insider'. I would certainly hope that was just the case, considering many competitive gymnasts are not much older than 16.
New Idea has gone and dug up a heavily tattooed gentleman by the name of Jasson Gellerstedt, who claims to have been in a "previously unknown relationship" with one Angelina Jolie. Jasson (not a typo as far as I know) predicts Angelina will end her relationship with Brad Pitt before too long.
"[Brad] seems too preppy for her," Jasson says. "Brad is too pretty-looking. She likes more of a bad boy."
It is worth noting here that Jasson was 14 and Angelina 13 when their supposed dalliance took place. So of course somebody Angie knew when she was 13 would know exactly what she’s looking for in a relationship now that she's in her late 30s.
And with a book to hawk, Sir Graham Henry sits down for a chat with the Weekly alongside his 31-year-old son, Andrew. Henry's son is an accomplished break dancer. Who knew? But sitting next to his dad in the magazine's photo spread, I think we can all safely see what he’s going to look like in about 30 years' time...And that's it from the mags this week!