This week, Demi Moore bags a Kiwi lover, Kristen Stewart bags a married film director and a couple from 'The Block' just gets bagged for their sneaky tactics.
Oh, I admit it. Part of me enjoyed seeing moody 'Twilight' madam Kristen Stewart suffer a most public humiliation as her pash session with married director Rupert Sanders was revealed to the world in all its seedy glory.
For those of you hiding under a rock last week, the 22-year-old actress was spotted by a paparazzo canoodling with her 41-year-old 'Snow White and the Huntsman' director. By golly, that paparazzo must have thought all his Christmases had come at once!
The Woman's Day, Woman's Weekly and New Idea all cover the sorry state of affairs, although only New Idea actually runs the incriminating photos of the two all over each other. In a car. In a public carpark for all to see. Check into a motel, you amateurs. That's what they're there for. Or perhaps practice some fidelity next time. (Yes, the view is quite nice up here on my high horse.)
The mags run Stewart's mea culpa to boyfriend and 'Twilight' co-star, Robert Pattinson, while the Day also throws in a tweet from Sanders' wife Liberty, depicting a fallen Snow White alongside the words "Not so pretty or so pure after all..."
And as if that wasn't big enough showbiz gossip for one week, the magazines also had Demi Moore's new relationship with Kiwi actor Martin Henderson to contend with.
"Martin Henderson heals Demi's heart," shouts the Woman's Day's cover. The magazine's editor, Sido Kitchin, even goes on to ask: "Doesn't this practically make every New Zealander involved in Demi's new relationship?"
Well, not from where I'm standing.
Some of Henderson's former 'Shortland Street' colleagues share their thoughts on the Demi news, with Karl Burnett (of Nick Harrison fame) chipping in with a "good on him".
"When we were on Shorty together, we probably had conversations about Demi - she was the poster girl back then," Burnett tells the Day. I'm sure those conversations were about Demi's intellect and stance on world hunger or some such.
The Weekly's cover leads with Prince Harry's supposed new lady love, a - wait for it - leggy, blonde socialite by the name of Cressida Bonas. Our Harry sure does have a type, eh?
But what sort of name is Cressida, I asked. I thought it was a type of lettuce, but Google tells me that 'Cressida' is a mythological Trojan woman. And also a Toyota sedan marketed from December 1976 to February 1993.
The Weekly says Prince Harry and his latest blonde were set up by his cousin, Princess Eugenie. But not everyone in the royal family is thrilled about the new love match. The Day says the Duchess of Cambridge "hit the roof" when she found out about the romance. Apparently, Cressida's sister is a former flame of Prince William's and Kate is none too happy the Bonas family is back on the scene.
I would say Kate Middleton can probably relax, but then history would suggest you never know what the British royals are going to do next.
All three magazines run the latest Jackson family scandal, sparked by Katherine Jackson's "disappearance" and the subsequent change in the custody arrangements for Michael Jackson's three children.
Perhaps the juiciest detail is the alleged altercation between Paris Jackson and her aunt, Janet. The magazines claim Janet struck her niece while trying to get her mobile phone off her, calling Michael Jackson's only daughter a "spoiled little b***h". Paris didn't take that lying down and apparently hit her aunt back, telling her to "get the f*** out".
The Weekly runs a list of the tweets that various members of the dysfunctional Jackson family sent out to the world while the drama was unfolding. Reading those, it looks like they should all have their mobile phones taken off them.
The Day, meanwhile, has an interview with "The Block baddies". Yes, baddies!
Every good reality TV show needs a villain, and contestants Sarah Adams and Richard Boobyer (titter) are it, after their questionable tactical voting in the TV series saw them win a major prize - but earned them "evil looks" from the other contestants.
"Although we won, we lost so much," Richard tells the Day. "We no longer have the respect of all the other couples. It's absolutely horrible. There is nothing we can say or do to fix things."
Yes, cheaters never prosper, kids.
The Weekly takes it upon themselves to compare former 'American Idol' judge Jennifer Lopez to new judge Mariah Carey.
They're both in their 40s, they are both mothers to twins, they've both been married more than once and both have been known to make diva demands. (Lopez has apparently requested diamond-encrusted headphones and custom-fitted speedboats in the past, while Carey once asked that 20 white kittens and 100 doves be present while she turned on some Christmas lights. Even I don't believe THAT.)
The magazine also points out that while Lopez has had two Grammy Award nominations and zero wins, Mimi has garnered 34 nominations and five wins in her career thus far. But like any of us believed Lopez was hired by Idol's producers for her singing chops.
Finally, the Day runs pics of supermodel Gisele Bundchen's supposed baby bump while she enjoys a day at the beach with her son. All I'll say is that Gisele just looks like me after a big lunch – with the added insane leggy good looks, obviously.And that's all from the mags this week!