This week, the magazines ponder what Princess Diana would have thought of Kate Middleton, Jessica Simpson throws a weight-gain hissy fit - oh, and Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes split.

You may or may not have heard that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting divorced.

Holmes issued the Do Not Resuscitate order on her marriage right after the women's magazines of New Zealand sent their issues off to the printers for that week. (That noise you heard last Saturday morning was the editors' screams when they woke to the news.)

So, the mags have had a whole week to plan their coverage on the celebrity divorce of the year. And their versions of Katie and Tom's tale are certainly dramatic.

"Katie's Great Escape! How she broke free to save Suri's soul," shouts the cover of the Woman's Day.

Inside, the magazine quotes insiders as saying that "while Tom's $320 million fortune grabs the headlines, the heart of the divorce is nothing less than a battle for Suri's soul". Goodness. The Woman's Weekly echoes the issue of Suri's custody, leading its cover with "The bitter battle for Suri." Not for her soul, though, we note.

New Idea writes that Katie is supremely confident in the divorce and custody battle proceedings ahead, because she knows Tom's secrets.

"Insiders say her new-found confidence is all down to the fact she has a trump card up her sleeve in her battle for beloved six-year-old Suri - a bombshell secret that could guarantee her the custody outcome she desperately longs for," says the magazine.

New Idea quotes a former top-ranking Scientologist, Marc Headley, as saying that Katie "knows far more than Tom or the [Scientology] Church would like revealed in public".

Marc also casts those old aspersions on Suri's paternity. (Look, it's 2006 again!)

"The Church thought they'd found Tom the perfect wife, then oops, all of a sudden, she's pregnant. Maybe Suri is Tom's kid, but he never had kids with Mimi [Rogers], he never had kids with Nicole [Kidman].

"There has been a lot of speculation and some people think Tom is sterile as a sand trap - that he can't have kids."

If any of that is true, it should make the custody battle pretty easy to resolve, eh?

Both the Day and New Idea run picture galleries of Katie and Tom's romance through the years, which only serves as a reminder as to how stomach-churningly over-the-top the public facade of their relationship was - until around 2008, anyway.

To round things off, the magazines also make mention of Tom's previous wives, Nicole Kidman and Mimi Rogers - who just so happened to be the one to introduce Tom to Scientology. Thanks a bunch, Mimi.

Such big news in the gossip magazine realm means there's not much room for other tittle-tattle this week - but there's always room for Kate Middleton.

The Weekly reports on the fact that it is nearly 15 years since Princess Diana died after a car accident in Paris, and they're wondering what Diana would have thought about the Duchess of Cambridge becoming the new "Queen of Hearts".

Yes, that's right, they're speculating as to what a woman who has been dead for 15 years would think about another woman whom she never met. But seeing as we're playing that game, it would appear Diana's feelings would have been mixed - between delight at the love in her son's life and envy of the young, beautiful daughter-in-law.

Royal writers Richard Kay and Geoffrey Levy are quoted as saying: "The key reason for her envy would not have been over the younger woman's glamour and style, but for something much closer to home - that Kate has the kind of love that Diana wanted."

Speaking of Middletons, the "other" Middleton sister and her perky behind pop up again in the magazines this week.

The Weekly runs a picture of Pippa's yet-to-be-released book, 'Celebrate - A Year of Festivities for Family and Friends', and notes that its cover features five different pictures of Pippa. "It's clear Pippa Middleton is trading on rather more than just her skills as an event organiser."

Well, I am SHOCKED. You mean people might be buying this book for a reason other than Pippa's apparent party planning skills?

The Day, meanwhile, runs a two-page spread on the fact that Pippa is back together with ex-boyfriend, Alex Loudon. You'll have to buy the magazine if you want to know why and how. I got as far as the headline before I got bored and skipped to the next page. Tell me again why I care who the sister of someone who married a royal is dating?

Meanwhile, Jessica Simpson is apparently having all kinds of issues losing the weight she put on during her pregnancy. The Day says that after initially losing nine kilos, she then gained seven.

"She threw a huge fit [at the weight gain]," a 'friend' is quoted as saying. "She picked up the scales and threw them against the wall, then she collapsed on a bed in tears." Sounds like a regular Monday morning, if you ask me.

But in order to receive a $5 million payout from Weight Watchers, Jessica reportedly needs to lose 14kg before the end of August. No pressure, then.

Nobody is offering Snooki a post-baby weight loss deal yet that I know of, but perhaps someone should nominate her for a "Mother of the Year" award after the pregnant reality TV star was photographed pushing a box of beer along the road in a baby buggy. New Idea has the pictures should you wish to see this shining example of class and decorum in action.

And speaking of pictures, the Woman's Weekly has some priceless pictures of Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall, making faces at a new duck friend on the Isles of Scilly. Insert your own duck-face joke here.