Sophie, the Countess of Wessex, feels the "Kate effect", Kim Kardashian tells all to Oprah, and TVNZ's Toni Street shares just how fertile she is.
Both the Woman's Weekly and Woman's Day continue the magazines' obsession with the Duchess of Cambridge this week.
While the Weekly goes inside 'Kate's private world' (She cooks! She watches TV!), the Day dubs her a clucky mum-in-training alongside pictures of her doting on Peter Phillips' 18-month-old daughter, Savannah. Both magazines also take pains to point out the royal's - wait for it - $60 jeans. I think this is supposed to infer she's just like you and me?
The Weekly also claims Kate's promotion to royal wife has seen Sophie, the Countess of Wessex, buck up her ideas, as it were, in the style stakes.
"It has been noted that since Kate's arrival on the scene, Sophie has hired a personal trainer and traded up from appropriate to elegant," says an observer.
What, pray tell, does "appropriate" look like?
After what feels like months of fevered speculation by magazines and gossip sites around the world, Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis confirmed last week that their 14-year love affair is over. The Day, Weekly and New Idea all make heavy mention of Johnny's rumoured new lady love, 'Rum Diary' co-star Amber Heard. Last I looked, Amber was dating a woman. But if there was anyone who could turn a woman back to men, it's probably Johnny Depp.
Don't feel too bad for Vanessa Paradis though. The Day says she's already embarked on a new relationship of her own - with French singer, Matthieu Chedid.
New Idea leads with Katie Holmes' torment over Tom Cruise's supposed 'hot blonde model'. "Steamy photos rock the actress," screams the magazine's front cover.
Have they uncovered candid pics of one of the world's highest paid actors cavorting with a saucy blonde, you ask? In a word: No.
The photos that have allegedly so upset the latest Mrs Cruise are those taken by W magazine in a spread promoting Tom's latest movie, 'Rock of Ages'. In his rock star mode, Tom is seen with a couple of lithe blondes draped over him in various states of undress. Considering this is merely promotion for his latest movie in which he plays an '80s rock sex god, I think Katie is probably sleeping easy at night.
TVNZ sweetheart Toni Street and her husband Matt France invite the Woman's Day to share in their Malaysian "babymoon" ahead of the arrival of the their first child later this year. From the too-much-information files, the happy couple explain how fertile they are.
"We started trying [for a baby] and it happened straight away. Mum had warned me that she was really fertile!" Toni tells the magazine.
Adds her hubby: "Our goal was to be pregnant before the end of the year, and we were pregnant by the start of the year."
Kim Kardashian's interview with that former doyenne of daytime TV, Oprah Winfrey, makes it to the pages of the Weekly and New Idea. Oprah apparently had to do a "Kardashian Kram" before the interview with the reality TV star after admitting she knew nothing about the family. Burn!
Amongst other things, Kim tells Oprah she still has a "special place" in her heart for her husband of 72 days, Kris Humphries. A nation of magazine readers rolls its collective eyes. Kim also talks about her mother agreeing to put her on birth control at 14. Colour me not-shocked-in-the-slightest.
For what it's worth, the Day says Kim and her current beau, rapper Kanye West, are getting married. All together now: Yaaawn.
Speaking of reality TV stars, the Day and New Idea both run excerpts of an interview with Jack Osbourne about his diagnosis with the debilitating disease multiple sclerosis (MS). Receiving the news soon after the joyous occasion of his daughter's birth, Jack says: "I think when God came to reviewing my file, he was like 'Nope, too much good. Make bad.'"
But he's taking an upbeat approach to a disease that is, so far, incurable. "My life is far from over," he says.
I've got a soft spot for the Osbournes, so I certainly hope that's the case.
"I thought I'd feel like a goddess. Really, I just felt like a mess. But I kind of enjoyed that too. Hell yeah, I gained 25kg! I think my baby might be part cheesecake." - Singer Pink tells New Idea about her weight gain while pregnant with daughter Willow Sage.
That, Pink, is why we love you.
And that's all from the mags this week!
Note - Some comments on last week's column asked where our usual gossip blogger, Anna Higgins, is. The answer? She's on maternity leave - keep an eye out for her columns again a bit later in the year.
Another note - To perhaps head off some other inevitable comments on this article: Do not expect an in-depth look at politics or current affairs when clicking on a headline that says "In the gossip mags".Now, that really is all from the mags this week!