Fashion dilemmas? Dinner decisions? Sexual relief in a London toilet? It's just a regular week in the world of celebrity Twitter.

"I just crushed potato chips on top of a pepperoni and sausage pizza alone in bed watching Secretariat. Happy Valentine's day.”"

 - Whoever imagined Hollywood stars have red-hot love lives hasn't spent February 14 at Jason Segel's.

"Very much looking forward to gifting my 2 millionth follower with their complimentary candlelit dinner and/or hand job."

 - Simon Pegg leaves the choice of prize up to his faithful followers.

"There seems to be some confusion about the offer. I'm not giving I am receiving. See you in the bogs at the Ivy."

- Pegg then clarifies his, er, position.

"No one should be allowed to wear a black turtleneck if they're not doing a one man show."

 - Since Steve Jobs is dead I tend to agree with you, Seth MacFarlane.

 
"-Hey lady who said "wow! the camera really does add 10 lbs!": please yank off your cheap extensions and stuff them in your pie hole. Thanks."

 - Modern Family's Julie Bowen hits back at the haters.

"I'm so excited! I just overheard someone say that today is Presents Day! What a great idea! I hope somebody gets me a kitten."

 - Ellen DeGeneres was in for some disappointment on President's Day.

"Great to see tony veitch and chris brown's careers on the up and up! great job!"

 - David Farrier takes aim at the career resurgence of two controversial celebs.

 
"Trevor Mallard's trending. You can't say that about many people from Wainuiomata."

 - Touche, Hilary Barry.

"What should I eat?"

 - Kourtney Kardashian ponders one of life's great questions.

"Dim Sum for dinner! Yummmm."

 - Perhaps Kourtney should have met up with Nicky Hilton? She's got dinner sussed.

"I just realised British people say 'Arse' instead of 'Ass'"

 - Ice T tucks away another little pearl of wisdom.

"You know you're getting old when you see the very car your mum took you to school in displayed in the London science museum... #today #mini"

 - Rhys Darby's feeling his age.

"Anyone else thinking of taking up prostitution to "make ends meet" #excusethepun ? DM me we can car pool. Laters Haters"

 - Never let it be said Ali Ikram isn't resourceful when it comes to generating income.

"Preparing for Oscars by unrolling home red carpet and walking it to flashes of self-held iPhone. Trusting wife shouts questions."

 - Would you fancy being in the audience of Steve Martin's homemade Oscars ceremony? Actually, I would as well.

"Geordie Shore makes me scared for the future."

 - Jonathan Ross says what we're all thinking.

"Happy President's Day! There should be a "First Ladies Day" to honour the women who suffered while their husbands slept around with interns."
 
 - Hillary Clinton Memorial Day, Joan Rivers?

"Just dropped a burrito, and no that is not a euphemism."

 - That's just as well, Dai Henwood.

"@rihanna HAPPY BIRFDAY u hoodrat, bearc**t, crazy, sexy ass, freaky whole bit beotch. I ♥ u so much. Keep it real tonight, as I know u will!"

 - Katy Perry really wishes her pal Rihanna a happy birthday.

"You'll chuckle at this. I just took a shower and I actually did at one point drop the soap."

 - And I did chuckle in spite of myself, Matt Lucas.

"i have a confession... i have spend the whole day in bed! i have not even brushed my teeth today and i'm bloody loving it! #ILoveLazyDays”"

 - Kelly Osbourne gives herself a Sunday off.

"Most nauseating? Elton John's food poisoning, Miley's 'love never dies' tattoo, or Paris H winning $30K at blackjack?"

- Don't make us choose, Kathy Griffin.