An open letter to the reality TV star in the aftermath of THAT breakup.

Dear Kim,

Firstly, God bless you! I woke up yesterday morning with not a clue what I was going to write my midweek blog about. Turns out this time the rumours were actually true, and you had officially given your husband the push.

I don't buy that 'oh Kim's not famous for anything, nobody gives two hoots about her' malarkey for a minute. You're rather like chlamydia. People may not like that you exist, but you're sure as hell not going anywhere anytime soon.

I heard the news that you'd filed for divorce from your very new husband from the TVNZ business desk. When I got in the car later that morning they were talking about your marriage split on Newstalk ZB, hardly the domain of reality TV stardom. (Don't judge peeps, my car only gets AM radio.)

Kelly Ripa and Nick Lachey even dressed as you two on your wedding day for Halloween.

Forgive me for saying the whole breakup seemed rather clinical and strategised - except, perhaps, to Kris Humphries, who reportedly didn't have a clue what he was in for. You file for divorce from your husband of just 72 days on Halloween and then it's business as usual, flitting off to Australia to flog handbags. Was the timing anything to do with the fact that Kris Humphries has a touch of the Frankenstein about him?

You said in a statement you hoped everyone understood the decision to end your marriage was not an easy one, but you certainly didn't take your time coming to it. The pair of you haven't lived in a proper marital home since you tied the knot in August, so the odds are you haven't even opened up all those crystal gravy boats and silver vegetables spoons and the Hermes dinnerware you made people buy you from a fancy-ass Beverly Hills store. Dare I float the idea of giving your gifts back? Or you may find when you announce you're tying the knot for the third time your friends and family are less than happy about shelling out for yet another wedding present.

I have cheese in my fridge that's lasted longer than your marriage, but if it's true that Kris found out you were actually filing for divorce online then girl, that's cold. Especially if he really wants to work it out and doesn't believe in divorce.

"I'm committed to this marriage and everything this covenant represents," Kris said in a statement yesterday, "and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make it work."

The pair of you were paid $22.5m for the broadcast rights to your wedding, which works out at just over $300,000 per day of marriage. Nice work if you can get it. With those sorts of figures being bandied about you must be prepared for people to ask if the entire business was nothing but a moneymaking ploy.

If so, was Kris actually in on the plan, or was it concocted between you and your mother and he was the fall guy? His name starting with K as well suddenly seems too coincidental.  I doubt Bruce would have approved of such shenanigans. Good old Bruce. He's got a solid head on his shoulders, even if it is riddled with plastic surgery.

Be wary of the couples who lay it on super-thick with the affection, that's my motto. Baby this, baby that. They're always overcompensating for something. But all is not lost! Think of all the possibilities for new reality shows stretched out in front of you like a yellow brick road to the E! network's bank account. Kim Gets Back On The Dating Market. Kim Reunites With Reggie Bush. Kim Gets Knocked Up.

Your father was a lawyer and your mother is sharp as a tack when it comes to business. I doubt you went into this marriage without a watertight pre-nup - but then, the pair of you have earned over $20m in little over two months.

Did Kris get a share of selling your wedding pictures to People magazine since he didn't even have the clout to make it on to the cover?

Your divorce papers stated you don't want to pay Kris spousal support, and the financial headaches are ongoing for Humphries. Last week news broke that your husband was diddled out of hundreds of thousands through reported investment fraud by a hedge fund manager. He's currently earning nothing as he remains unsigned to an NBA team while the professional basketball competition is halted due to a labour dispute between the players' union and team owners.

You mentioned several times during your four-hour wedding special (and yes, a lot of us suffered through that!) that your idol was Elizabeth Taylor. Having met, married and split up with your second husband in less than 12 months, and at the age of 31, you're certainly on your way to matching Liz's eight marriages. Or maybe not quite the calibre of Elizabeth Taylor. Maybe you're more of a Jennifer Lopez. Jennifer Lopez lite.

Your honking great US$2m diamond engagement ring is very Elizabeth Taylor. That worked out at a very expensive romantic investment for poor old Kris. I shan't imagine you'd be handing it back in a hurry either. 

So, lady, what really happened? Was it the ultimate in publicity whoring? Did he see how much you actually spent on depilatory products? Insist those dogs slept on the marital bed? Or just see too much of your sisters?

We're hearing reports that your hubby was desperate to go Hollywood and used you to leapfrog ahead in the fame game. It's also being bandied about that you wanted to live in LA, while Kris was determined to move back to his home state of Minnesota.

Kim Kardashian living in Minnesota? Now THAT would have been a reality show.

The pair of you did squabble on that wedding show, but I thought you were being edited that way to make the (very long) show more exciting. He did tell you you were a shop girl from the Valley just a few years ago. You let him have almost no say in the plans for his own wedding. Looking back, perhaps the omens were there.

So naturally when a marriage made in reality TV comes to an end, the statements fly thick and fast.

"All of us at E! are surprised and saddened by this news. And we send our support to Kim and Kris at this difficult time," said a statement from the TV network, your spiritual home.

"The Kardashians have always been uniquely open with all aspects of their lives from joyous events to intimate moments to heartbreaking transitions.

"E! will continue to share the fascinating real lives and larger-than-life existence of this close-knit family."

"Our sister is going through a difficult time but we're a close family and are sticking together like always," tweeted your big sister Kourtney. "We appreciate everyone's kindness and support. @KimKardashian, we love you."

"My sister is obviously going through a lot and we're obviously very supportive of whatever decision she makes," said little bro Rob, fresh off the dance floor on Dancing With The Stars. "We're just here as her family just to be with her and be on her side for whatever."

“Reading some these comments r so hurtful. I’m grateful 4our fans who understand & r being respectful. Hate is disgusting. Love is everything," tweeted your sister Khloe on the comments from people wondering if yours was ever a legitimate marriage. Can't say I blame them.

But Kim, if you ever worried that your stardom would fade the longer you stayed a married woman, you can take comfort in the fact that Jessica Simpson announced her pregnancy officially on the same day as news of your divorce broke - and it was swept away in a tsunami of Kardashian-related press.

Give it some time before the next poor sucker, will you? Or at least until E! has a gap in its programming schedule.

Kind regards, Anna Higgins.