An unlikely cover girl hitches a ride on the Queen's regal trains, there may be trouble in Brangelina paradise, and Jess Simpson's fiance tries some man boobs on for size.
In the epitome of clutching at straws, Woman's Day somehow links the celebrations for the Queen's Diamond Jubilee with Jaime Ridge, who poses for the mag's cover wrapped in a Union Jack behind the headline 'Jaime Rocks The Jubilee!'
Also within her regal repertoire of looks: fur coat, a crown and a crop top. Even her Union Jack-painted fingernails can't redeem her in my eyes, I'm afraid. Of course, I'm doing exactly what the 18-year-old wants and talking about her, which I despise myself for doing.
'She's the girl of the moment, so who better to celebrate the spirit of the Queen's Jubilee and Cool Britannia than our little princess, Jaime Ridge, 18,' swoons the article in a tone I can only hope is adopted to wind us up.
In the body of the story, Jaime comes forth with gems like this one on the Queen: "Ever since I was a little girl, I've known who she was."
On the monarch's long-term commitment to her country: "She could have abdicated and hit the beach, but she keeps on truckin'." Can you imagine QEII hitting the beach OR doing anything to do with trucking? Me neither.
When asked by the mag 'What's your most-loved royal wedding moment?' the teenager replies "Is it OK to say Pippa's butt?"
It may be the Queen's Jubilee but we get the presents, with Jaime bequeathing us a little pearl of wisdom that "No-one looks good slumping," before announcing that she is 'Totes Harry'.
Gah! I hate myself for reading this. Even Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag would be looking at this one and saying 'girl, you desperate!'
New Idea also takes a journey into Ridgeville, detailing Jaime's upcoming boxing bout with The GC's Rosanna Arkle. July 5 is a date I shan't be circling in my calendar.
Rosie says she'll fight in a bikini and 'I will knock her out and then go get some KFC.'
"I am not trying to prove anything to anyone, it's more that I'm trying to prove to myself that I am capable of trying new things. I like stretching my boundaries," says Jaime.
I can't be the only one who hopes one day she'll go and stretch them quietly, in a corner, with no media about.
The Day also reports hell hath no fury like Angelina Jolie scorned, especially when Brad Pitt turns up at Shiloh's birthday party two hours late. The star flew from Cannes to the family's London pad in a private plane but still managed to be tardy for the Pirates of the Caribbean-themed party.
Amusingly, one of the mags reports Papa Pitt dressed up as 'Captain Jack Black' for the do.
"Ange's terrified of him letting his kids down and them growing up to be self-destructive like she was because of her dad's awful relationship with her mum," blabs a source.
"When he finally got there, she took him to one side and tore strips off him."
Brad's discontent with his life apparently dates back to February's Oscars ceremony. "He pinned his hopes on Moneyball winning awards, and instead he walked away empty-handed and Ange was mocked about her 'Leg-Gate' thing."
NW reports Brad and best bud George Clooney are planning one mother of all stag parties, island hopping via helicopter in the Caribbean, lubricated by vintage red wine and tequila.
"George is saying they'll have the time of their lives and remember nothing, which is worrying Angie a lot. She's scared Brad's going to do something he shouldn't."
Revealing new baby Maxwell to the world and being named as Weight Watchers' newest ambassador should be keeping Jessica Simpson busy, but NW reports the star is busily planning her wedding to Eric Johnson in Hawaii on December 12 - 12/12/12.
The couple's planning on inviting around 60 guests including 'A-listers' (their words, not mine!) Jessica Alba, er, Ashlee Simpson, and one of the guys who used to be on Scrubs.
Jess' current focus is her new baby and shifting the kilos she gained during pregnancy, rumoured to be a whopping 36 of them.
If you haven't seen a picture of her baby girl, do Google this week's People magazine cover. That kid is gorgeous.
PS: The mag reports fiancé Eric is doing his part when it comes to feeding the couple's month-old daughter - with Jess' pumped breast milk and a pair of strap-on boobs.
"Eric thinks it's cool. He's a great dad and now he's a great mum."
'Jubilee Joy: We're Having a Baby!' crows the Woman's Day of the Cambridges. Well, they're not. Or they may. One day.
"I'm just very keen to have a family and both Catherine and I are looking forward to it," he told American journalist Katie Couric.
I don't see why it’s such a revelation that a young man newly married should admit that he wants to have kids? Surely producing offspring is Prince William's job? Apparently Kate now sports a 'telltale glow of happiness'. I'm not sure what this means. That she has the green light to conceive or that she's already pregnant?
Evidence cited of Kate's yearning for a child is 'the clucky future queen makes a beeline for babies at public events.' They're probably the only ones who don't pepper her with inane questions.
New Idea leads with the same interview with William, given to mark the Queen's Diamond Jubilee.
And hold the phone! It comes with the jaw-dropping angle 'Son Wishes Dead Mother Could Have Been At Wedding'. Ditto the Weekly.
The Kanye West and Kim Kardashian juggernaut rolls on, and the Day reports the couple is seriously talking about marriage. Yes, because Kim needs another one of those.
The mag reports Kim's style has been on the improve since hooking up with the rapper, and I'd be inclined to agree. Less hoochie, less coochie has got to be a good approach to dressing, no?
"Kanye is the perfect boyfriend. He dotes on Kim and is so well-mannered and charming," says a relative of Kim's.
NW takes a different tack, dedicating a whole article to why the couple's new relationship can't last.
'Relationship experts predict that toxic issues - such as jealousy and insecurity - will ultimately destroy them!'
Aussie mag NW leads this week with Nicole Richie, in town while hubby Joel Madden films the Aussie version of reality show The Voice, and 'The Truth About Me And Joel'.
The fashion designer and former reality starlet has been seen at Sydney's Taronga Park Zoo with her clan, promoting her clothing line in department stores and shopping at Cotton On Kids.
"Every time he sings at home, I have to tell him to stop," she says of Joel's musical inclinations. "I love his music and listen to it all the time when he's away, but when he's home I like a break!"
"I went to the doctor with Jionni and my mum and he told me that he sees a penis so…it's a boy!"
Thank god we have Snooki to point out one equals the other.
She threatens of her unborn son: "Maybe I'll dress him like Pauly D." Don't think there'd be enough hair product on earth for two Paulys.
What my equilibrium doesn't need to see of an evening, a morning, or at any time of day is photos of a pregnant Tori Spelling prancing around California in a very brief crocheted monokini. Yarg.
And that's all from the mags this week!