2:30pm: Cue the fanfare! Out comes a suited and booted Hugh Jackman, looking dapper as always. He gets much applause, as do his early mentions of Kate Winslet and Robert Downey Jr and the diversity of their roles.

"I'm an Australian who played an Australian in a movie called Australia," he quips and then remarks that the recession means everything will be downgraded next year. "Next year I'll be starring in a movie called New Zealand."

Smartarse. We're not the home brand Australia!

2:32pm: Here comes his opening number! A tribute to this year's films. Time for the piano! His singing voice is good! But he's a good theatre actor. A jaunty tribute to Milk! He's dancing! Now he's Batman! He's managed to throw in ‘human excrement' and ‘pubic hair' into his lyrics.

2:35pm: He's picked up Anne Hathaway out of the crowd for his tribute to Frost/Nixon. She's good! He's good! It's a bit cheesy, but that's the way we like it.

2:37pm: A techno tribute to The Reader! Who would've thought.

2:39pm: He's working the room with Mickey Rourke, Frank Langella, and Marisa Tomei. And Angie and Brad, who get a big cheer from the crowd. She's even smiling!

"I don't have a joke for them," he quips. "I'm just contractually obligated to mention them five times during the show."

Hee.

2:41pm A montage of the winner of Best Supporting Actress through history. I guess that's first up...

2:42pm A gaggle of past winners emerge on stage for Best Supporting Actress. Apparently they're rolling a different way this year, with past winners announcing one nominated actress each instead of showing clips. Tilda Swinton looks great! There's Goldie Hawn, Eva-Marie Saint, Whoopi Goldberg, who introduces Amy Adams in Doubt ("It's not easy being a nun. Take it from one who's been there and back.") Goldie Hawn with Taraji P. Henson. Tilda gets Marisa Tomei.

2:47pm: And the winner is...Penelope Cruz! "Has anybody ever fainted here?" she asks. "Because I might be the first one." She's so happy, thanking Woody Allen, and her old pal Pedro Almodovar, a shout out to her parents and siblings, and growing up in Spain watching the Oscars as a child.

2:52pm: Jackman's backman! Sorry. I had to. Tina Fey and Steve Martin emerge to present Best Original Screenplay. Tina gets an extra big cheer, because she's awesome. Sean Penn's laughing, Meryl Streep isn't. Different strokes for different folks, I spose.

2:55pm: I want In Bruges to win! But it's Milk that gets the crowd cheering.

2:56pm: And the winner is...Dustin Lance Black for Milk. Well done, fella. He does an eloquent speech, and there's tears! In true Oscar style.

2:59pm: Without further ado, here's Best Adapted Screenplay. And the winner is...Simon Beaufoy for Slumdog Millionaire. It's one from one for the Slumdog crew. 

3:02pm: Here's Jennifer Aniston is gold and sparkles, out with Jack Black to showcase the year's animated movies. Jack Black is a funny guy, but not at this. They haven't cut to Brad and Angie, although I wish they would so Angie would give her the stink eye! Or did I imagine a quick glimpse of them?

3:06pm: They're still there. Reading out the noms for Best Animated Feature. And the winner is...Wall-E. 

3:08pm: God, the pair of them are still here! And Brad and Angie are in the front row. Does Jen still look nervous up there, or am I imagining? Presenting Best Animated Short Film. And the winner is...La Maison En Petits Cubes. Lucky Jack Black doesn't get make a living out of his French pronunciation.

3:14pm: Here's Hugh, introducing the pair to present Best art Direction. It's Sarah Jessica Parker and Daniel Craig emerging from the shadows, I'm assuming to play out some kind of suspense? They're not trying to crack funnies, which is probably good after the Jen n' Jack show. Anyway, the winner is...The Curious Case of Benjamin Button designer Donald Graham Burt and set decorator Victor J. Zolfo. Ooh, they get played out by the orchestra. One guy hogged all the speech time.

3:19pm: Daniel and Sarah Jessica go on to present Best Costume Design. And the winner is...Michael O'Connor for The Duchess. Shouts out to Keira Knightley, calling her 'one classy lady'.

3:22: And the duo hang around to present Best Makeup. This one has some stuff competition, what with The Dark Knight, Benjamin Button and Hellboy II. And the winner is...Greg Cannom The Curious Case for Benjamin Button, who's thanking people like he's commentating a horse race. Rapid fire!

3:25pm: It's tween favourite Robert Pattinson, and Amanda Seyfried presenting some segment called ‘Romance 2008.' Is it a filler so the stars can go out and have a cigarette? 

3:31pm: Best Cinematography is up next, brought to you by Natalie Portman and someone pretending to be Joaquin Phoenix, with a Grizzly Adams beard, sunnies and a wad of gum. They're getting some laughs, but I can't tell who it is. Is it Ben Stiller?

"You look like you work at a Hasidic meth lab," quips Portman. Gold! I'm sure Joaquin is too busy busting a mean rhyme to be offended.

Stiller's giving it loads, and the crowds cracking up all through Natalie prepping the nominations.

And the winner is...Anthony Dod Mantle for Slumdog Millionaire.

3:38pm: Jessica Biel is up next with an awkwardly teleprompted blurb about the Scientific Technical side of the Oscars. CGI and the like. Oh, that was brief! She's gone. 

3:42pm: Time for Seth Rogen and James Franco, Pineapple Express-style, breaking down the year's nominees from the couch. Love these two! They're singing ABBA! They're giggling at fighting clergy! They're confusing a blacked-out Downey Jr. with Barack Obama! They're watching Franco make out with a man in Milk. It's class! 

3:45pm: Here they are! With Oscar-winning cinematographer from Saving Private Ryan, Janusz Kaminski. "If you liked that piece I helped write it, and if you didn't it was all Judd Apatow," says Rogen. They're presenting Best Live Action Short, and the winner is...Spielzeugland (Toyland). Rogen's cracking up at Franco's German pronunciation.  

3:51pm: Jackman's donned the top hat, collected up a few tuxedo-ed friends, and it's time for a musical number! It's a tribute to the Hollywood musicals. Wit-woo, here's Beyonce in a sparkly red leotard number, and she looks amazing! Jay-Z must be very proud. If she breaks into ‘All the Single Ladies' I will just die happy! No, now, they're singing a song from Grease instead. Chicago, Sound of Music, Moulin Rouge...they all get the shout-out, Jackman/Knowles style. Damn, they're both so good. 

Beyonce! Is there anything the girl can't do? 

Up pop Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens, and Dominic Cooper and Amanda Seyfried in supporting roles! I don't particularly fancy musicals, but this is quite entertaining!

4:02pm: It's time for Best Supporting Actor, and if Heath Ledger wins it could all get very emotional. His parents are in the audience, somewhere. Will they be the ones to accept if, as everyone expects, he wins?

Out pop Christopher Walken, Alan Arkin, Cuba Gooding Jr., Joel Grey and Kevin Kline. They're laying the praise on thick for these nominees, but there's chat, and there's laughs.

It's a very good race for Supporting Actor this year, but this must really be Heath's year. I mean, he can't have another year, can he? Sniff. Such a waste.

And the winner is...Heath Ledger!

Bless.

His dad, Kim, his mum, Sally, and his sister, Kate, are accepting on his behalf. I can't look at them for too long a stretch. I'll cry! His dad's staying rather composed, considering. Adrien Brody's crying! I'll comfort you, Adrien. Wow, they're all speaking so well. Anne Hathaway's crying too! Who's gonna be next?

It's Miss Angelina Jolie, ruining her eye makeup!

Heath's sister takes the statue on behalf of "his beautiful Matilda."

4:13pm: Best Documentary's up next, and the winner is...Man on Wire.The fella who walks on the wires at ridiculous heights is up there and balances the Oscar statuette on his chin, which he should get an award for alone.

4:17pm: It's time for Best Documentary Short, and the winner is...Smile Pinki, which I have to admit I have not seen. Onwards!

4:22pm: Jackman's waxing lyrical about the work necessary in a movie's post-production - so heads up, special effects and stunt lovers! That means a montage of car chases, flying motorbikes, train crashes and all those other wonderful movie moments which go ‘boom!' through your surround sound. It's all set to a soundtrack of the Hives. Weyhey!

4:25pm: Next up! Will Smith. He shares his love of action flicks and the magic of special effects. "They can take Brad pitt and turn him into a garden gnome.," Smith quips. Will's very natural at the podium! Perhaps if he tires of life as a $20m a movie film star he could resort to TV presenting.

He's presenting Outstanding Visual Effects - and the winner is...(or are!) Eric Barba, Steve Preeg, Burt Dalton and Craig Barron for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

4:28pm: Will stays on for Best Sound Editing, which is won by Richard King for The Dark Knight. Suspect this may be the first prize Slumdog's been up for and hasn't one. King seems suitably grateful.

4:30pm: It's a Will-fest! He's lurking around to present Best Sound Mixing. He calls sound mixers "the superheroes of post-production," and the gong's grabbed smartly by Ian Tapp, Richard Pryke and Resul Pookutty for Slumdog Millionaire. I'm wondering what the difference is between Sound Editing and Sound Mixing, and am sure it's vast, so don't go judging. I just don't know what on earth it is.

4:33pm: More Will! "Yes, they still have me here. I believe Hugh is napping." That Will Smith! Such a larrikin. While Jackman gets his beauty sleep, the Fresh Prince sticks around to present Best Film Editing. And the winner is...Chris Dickens for Slumdog Millionaire.

Just as well Benjamin Button didn't take out Editing, because that sucker was nearly three hours long! Best Editing nominee my arse.

4:41pm: Hey, it's Eddie Murphy! And no trannies in sight. Today he's been a ‘good samaritan' by presenting an humanitarian achievement award to the legendary Jerry Lewis. Cue montage!

Montage shows me that Jerry Lewis has managed to combine making people laugh and charity throughout his career. Props, Jerry. He acceptance speech is eloquent, well thought out, and short. Like a true pro!

4:50pm: Jackman introduces a sample selection from the year's best movie scores. Kind of like those boxes of biscuits your nana has, but musical.

4:53pm: Here's Alica Keys and Zac Efron to present Best Music (Score). And the winner is...the renowned A.R. Rahman for Slumdog Millionaire.

4:55pm: Best Original Song is up next, and snippets of each are performed live. There's two from Slumdog Millionaire, and one from Wall-E. Peter Gabriel is responsible for the Wall-E track, but threw his toys out of the cot and wouldn't perform a mere snippet of it. He is an artiste, you know. It looks like John Legend picked up the slack. Legend! Sorry. Think I may be in dire need of seeing some natural light.

And the winner is... A.R. Rahman again, this time for the song ‘Jai Ho' from Slumdog Millionaire.

5:02pm: Why does the interlude music they're playing at the Oscars sound like the tune played in Austin Powers when the story cuts to Dr Evil's lair? Just wondering. 

5:05pm: Hugh Jackman introduces the beautiful Frieda Pinto and a bloke I've a bit of a soft spot for, the strapping Liam Neeson. The pair are presenting Best Foreign Language film, and the winner is...Departures, a Japanese film. Director Yojiro Takita accepts, and he's ‘very, very happy.'

5:11pm: It's Queen Latifah on death duty this year, shouting out to those in the entertainment biz who have passed away over the past 12 months. She's crooning ‘I'll Be Seeing You' to a slideshow of those no longer with us. Or them, because it's not like they were hanging out with you and me. She's got an awesome voice. Oh! I forgot about Bernie Mac. That's right! Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes died in one weekend. Sadness. And Charlton Heston! Anthony Minghella! Sydney Pollack! And Paul Newman! I shall pay tribute tonight with a toast of Newman brand balsamic vinaigrette on my salad. One for me, and one for my homies.

5:17pm: Reese Witherspoon! I didn't see her on the red carpet! She's popped out to present Best Director. Success! Here come the big awards...

Is Danny Boyle going to smile even more than he normally does? He got a huge round of applause. Every time I see Ron Howard now I think of him on The Simpsons. Do you?

And the winner is...Danny Boyle for Slumdog Millionaire.

He's saying how great the show is this year. No need to grease up, Danny. You already won! 

And he gives a heartfelt shout out to Mumbai, and "all of you who helped us make the film, and those of you who didn't, you dwarf even the sky." 

Nice soundbite!

5:24pm: Oooooh, think it's time for Best Actress! Who's going to bless us with their designer-clad presence to present the nominees? The clip show plays Nicole Kidman blubbering. Harden up, Kidman!

Oh, that's why Sophia Loren and her magnificent cleavage are there!

Sophia, Marion Cotillard, Shirley MacLaine, Halle Berry, and Nicole Kidman herself pop out of the woodwork. Kidman and Berry avoided the red carpet, and both look rather ravishing. Particularly Halle. She's awesome.

Shirley praises Anne Hathaway's singing voice. Kate Winslet gets the Gallic tones of Marion Cotillard. Halle shouts out to Melissa Leo from Frozen River, while La Loren gets allocated Meryl Streep - from one legend to another. That leaves the Kidman to introduce Angelina Jolie and her ‘very modern gifts.'

Please, please let Angelina lose, if only so she can throw the victor her famous stink eye!

And the winner is...Kate Winslet!

Hurray!

I just saw her hairdo from the back, and it really is a feat of engineering. Spectacular hair and an Oscar on the same night! Lucky Winslet. 

There's lots of kisses and tears, as befits a bunch of actresses on stage en masse. Kate says she's graduated somewhat from being eight and accepting her award in the bathroom mirror.

Pa Winslet whistles so his girl can see where he's sitting; and we spot him in the crowd in a jaunty fedora. Hey, Peter Jackson got a shout out! Good girl yourself.

She's wearing a smile of Julia Roberts proportions! Bless.

5:36pm No rest (or bathroom break!) for the wicked, and it's Best Actor time after three hours and five minutes. This is one close fought race this year.

Out come Anthony Hopkins, Adrien Brody (swoon!) Robert De Niro, Sir Ben Kingsley and Michael Douglas to present the nominees. Michael shouts out to Frank Langella, but I'm looking at his surprisingly smooth mid-sixties skin.

De Niro gets my favourite, Sean Penn, and pays him plenty of compliments. "How did Sean Penn for all those years get all those jobs playing straight men?" he muses out loud to much laughter.

De Niro praises Penn's humanitarian work and his "gentle reasoning with the paparazzi." Hee. Calls his friend Sean "a great human being." Warm fuzzies!

Adrien Brody declares ‘bravo' for Richard Jenkins, and Hopkins' Welsh lilt gets Brad Pitt, his old Meet Joe Black co-star.

Last, but not least, is the Kingsley-Rourke partnership. "The returning champ!" declares Kingsley.

Could it be Mickey's night? I've Sean Penn in the office sweep. 

And the winner is...Sean Penn!

Everyone's on their feet, and his missus Robin is so happy!

 "You commie, homo loving sons of guns," he declares on his acension to the stage. He means business. On with the specs! He pays a moving tribute to director Gus Van Sant, his pride on America's new 'elegant President' and 'Mickey Rourke rises again, and he is my brother.'

Sweet! 

I bet it really grinds Madonna's gears that her ex-husband has two Oscars and she has none. Hee.

5:48pm: It's up to Steven Spielberg to present a montage of flicks up for Best Picture through the ages.

That done, it's down to business! And Slumdog Millionaire takes out the night's big prize.

It deserves it! I haven't seen such a good movie in ages. And no, they didn't pay me to say that, but if they feel inclined to I shan't object.

The whole cast is up there! And those little kids again, bless them! Lots of gorgeous smiles and tales of their shared love and passion for the ‘extraordinary city of Mumbai.'

And that's all from the Academy Awards!