So does New Zealand have talent? Judging by what was witnessed last night, the title of Prime's new show NZ's Got Talent is a bit of a misnomer. Perhaps they could consider changing it to NZ Has A Tiny Wee Bit of Talent? We certainly don't appear to be overburdened with promising performers. At least not in the Auckland area where auditions for the first episode, which premiered last night, were held.

Our judges for this scary extravaganza are familiar faces Richard Driver, Miriama Smith and Paul Ellis. The show follows the format of its American and English predecessors whereby performers have but a small window of opportunity to impress the judges and audience or risk getting ‘crossed out' by the giant X's manned by each of the judges. Two X's and you're out. Hosts Jason Reeves and Andrew Mulligan are both pleasant enough, but why do we need two hosts? Wouldn't the money have been better spent on other things, like a better set perhaps? That backdrop looks particularly shabby.

Now I know the shtick of the show is to veer away from the traditional singing/dancing acts and try and find a spectrum of performances. But seriously, in the interests of entertainment they need to screen their applicants more carefully.

The first act, MimeTown, set the tone for the rest of the evening. MimeTown consists of a pair of teenagers in mime face doing interpretative dance. We will never know what promise their dance may have held as they were hastily dispatched by the judges with a thundering crescendo of X's.

One of the pair claimed that her dreams had been crushed, but I am doubtful her wildest dream is to join the ranks of the most universally loathed of street performers. It seems like a lot of these acts were people that were just dragged off the street and offered $20 and a cheeseburger to get up on stage and embarrass themselves.

Dorian and Shelley the singing bird puppet are equally deplorable and also appear to be beneficiaries of the cheeseburger incentive scheme.

We whiz through a multitude of acts, amongst them are air guitaring teens, a dreaded poet (a poet with dreadlocks, not a frightening poet). Although if you suffer with metrophobia, which is the fear of poetry, you may have found her disconcerting), a lasso wielding woman, Barry the gumbooted dancer and his sidekick kunikuni pig.

Finally we get to see some real talent in the form of Chelsea and her dancing dog Quest. Boy, can that dog dance. But is Quest's showmanship really worth $10,000.00? Paul Ellis gazes on enraptured with Quest's abilities. Quest pirhouettes on his hind legs as Paul Ellis' eyes mist over in true appreciation for his masterful canine skills.

We are again thrust into a quick succession of appalling acts. Bad dancers, bad singers, elderly tap dancers (not bad!). This show is all over the place, I can't keep up with the frenetic pace. And that is when I realise it's not $10,000.00 up for grabs, but $100,000.00!!! Now where did I put my tap shoes.........

We get to spend a bit of time with some of the more promising acts, including seven year old Ruth Pearce who amazes everyone with her moves; she is one talented tiny dancer. We also get to meet Penelope Muir who will forever be referred to as ‘The Matron' thanks to her occupation as a house mother at a private girl's school. Penelope performs a beautiful aria from Carmen. Although she is an accomplished singer, we all know that the judges secretly want to X her, because she is just a bit too high brow for this show. But they also don't want to appear like philistines so they keep her on. "The Matron nailed it" enthuses Andrew Mulligan.

We see Riverdancing fiddlers and hula hooping sisters. Traditional Samoan dancers, a trio of harmonising Fa'afafine, teen dance group ‘Déjà Vu' who have thankfully rejected the trend of deliberate misspelling. Bless you ‘Déjà Vu' for keeping it real!

About fifty trillion acts later we meet Peyton Jacinto and for a moment I forget what show I'm watching. Peyton appears in a wig and costume to do a version of Neil Diamond's ‘Sweet Caroline'. Is this ‘Stars In Their Eyes'? I close my eyes and it sounds neither like Neil, or indeed very good, so sadly Peyton would not have made the grade no matter what show he was appearing on.

Fifty-five-year-old pigtailed Sharon Healm appears to have been dragged off the street to sing ‘Wild Thing', complete with bizarre air-guitar accompaniment which looks more like she is rubbing her hungry tummy. Someone get that woman her cheeseburger!

The highlight of the evening is a group by the name of ‘Ease', a trio with talent and good humour. Two of the brothers are visually impaired and get a big laugh out of the audience when they explain that this means "that you all look beautiful". They perform James Brown's 'I Feel Good' and they are good! In fact, I think we may have found our winners. Don't even bother airing the rest of the season, and don't forget to turn off the lights on the way out. And if you want me I'll be in my bedroom practicing the triangle.