Gather round lovers of quality television and fine insightful drama. Everybody's favourite bisexual returns to the world of reality TV with a new series of A Shot At Love. In the last series of A Shot At Love we saw Tila choose Bobby (a boy) over Dani (a girl). However, that love didn't last and as Tila reminds us many, many times, she had her heart broken and now she's looking for ‘another shot at love' (although the ‘winner' from last season, Bobby insists that they never actually went out).

The show begins with 15 guys and 15 girls (or lesbians as they are constantly referred to, sexuality trumps gender on this show) rocking up to Tila's palatial (fake) manse. Tila in her signature hoochie outfit of tiny gold hotpants tells them their first challenge is to hop into a pair of colour coded cages and dance their asses off to impress her. The ladies have clearly got this one in the bag.

The two sides must dance provocatively and clothing free in order to win the first challenge. The guys' cage is like a scary anthropology experiment as they regress into a pack of pre-evolutionary monkeys shrieking and hanging off the bars. One of the girls whips off her top much to Tila's delight, and in apparent retaliation one of the guys pulls out his wiener, much to her disgust.

The girls naturally win the first challenge and are invited into the house to party with Tila (real name Thien Thanh Thi Nguyen) and her open bar whilst the boys must freeze their simian asses off in their outside cage.

After plying her lesbian suitors with gallons of booze, Tila tells the girls they must perform in a talent show and this will determine who gets the chop tonight and who gets to stay and compete for ‘a shot at love'.

Kristy prefaces her performance by saying she's got to impress Tila and can't be an idiot, then reveals her talent to be poorly executed cartwheels. Serenity attempts a comedy routine which falls sadly flat. After the show, Lili tries to cheer Serenity up with a reassuring pash, which Tila happens to see. You stupid girls, have you learned nothing from last season?? It's all about Tila ok??

The number one thing you need to know about Ms Tequila is that respect is of paramount importance to her. Anything she sees as disrespectful will result in your immediate punishment. However I think Tila needs a reminder of what respect means, in her vocabulary it clearly means (to borrow from that esteemed 20th Century poet laureate Tupac Shakur) ‘All Eyez On Me'.

Tila kicks both their asses to the kerb for the crime of disrespecting her. Her heart has just been broken AND she is now being disrespected. The disrespect will not be tolerated. She purges another four candidates with whom she just ‘didn't have a connection'.

Next it's the boys turn to enter the house and all that confinement and cold air has made them KRAZY. The guys get progressively drunker as Tila wanders around trying them all on for size and testing out their make-out abilities.

Passions run high, whilst morals plunge to all time low (since records began back in 120BC when Abel caught a glimpse of Judith's ankle). Jeremy and Bo get into a drunken testosterone (with just a pinch of homoerotocism thrown in for fun) fuelled fight over the tiny wee object of their affections.

The boys must also compete against each other in a fashion show. Tila seems to enjoy her suitors modelling for her, until Nick, an ‘eldercare' specialist presents her with a box containing a very special appendage meant to represent his very own. Tila is not impressed and come elimination ‘dick in a box' is one of the first to go.

Drunken and be-mohawked Jeremy is also sent home, in the nick of time as he is on the verge of throwing up. Jeremy seems more into the Tequila than Tila. Future episodes look explosive as the boys and girls clash over who has the biggest pecs and the tightest pants. Welcome back Tila, it's been too long!

A Shot At Love II
MTV
Mondays 7.30PM