I just want to preface this by saying that I don't usually believe in being cruel about the general public who appear on this type of reality show.

It's ok to be mean about celebs, because they get paid great wads of cash and can afford to wipe their tear-stained eyes with fine hankies hand woven by Peruvian artisans, from the softest of pelts of the most regal of llamas. Real people cannot afford such luxuries and therefore I do not believe in publicly excoriating them.

However, in the case of the contestants from Stars In Their Eyes. I feel an exception can be made. There is ridiculing to be had that cannot, nay, will not be denied. I feel at ease saying this because in no way am I condemning their looks or performance, only their terrible makeovers, and I blame you TVNZ!!!

Clearly you have blown your budget on sequins and feathers for Dancing With The Stars and all you've had left over for these poor folk is a bit of Natural Glow (Summer tone only) and a quick rifle through the bargain bins at the Salvation Army. Shame on you state telly. Anyway, appearances aside Stars In Their Eyes is really quite a gem of a show.

First up we got to meet Pauline, a lorikeet lovin' musical mum from Auckland's North Shore. Even her lorikeet possesses special talents; she has trained it to say ‘squirt' when it needs to move its tiny wee bowels. Bless.

Well tonight Simon, Pauline is going to be Marilyn Monroe! Unfortunately, her wig looks like it was stolen from Betty White's dressing room from the set of The Golden Girls. Pauline has a great voice and does herself proud, but Marilyn is not exactly famed for her vocal stylings so let's hope her competition isn't too strong tonight.

Then we meet Paul from Nelson, aka George Michael. Paul says he doesn't get too stressed about stuff and he's into doing Stars In Their Eyes as something he can tell the grandchildren about in his later years. I'm sure your grandchildren will be delighted to hear about the time Granddad had stubble drawn on his face so he could portray a pot smoking toilet-crusader in a pair of blue blockers Paul.

Paul has been cruelly denied any back-up dancers and looks a mite lonely out there on his own, but he does a great job and soon has the crowd clapping along with him in fine form. Couldn't they have given him just have one sultry dancer, perhaps nestling next to a cardboard jukebox in honour of the original video?

Sara-Jane is an accomplished young woman on the verge of making her wildest karaoke dreams come true as Beyonce! Sara-Jane throws herself whole-heartedly into her role as Queen B. She has a super voice and she and her troupe of high-heeled accomplices dance their little hearts out, aided only by an industrial fan to create the windswept Beyonce hair we all love and envy.

Her smaller-sized human fans in the audience respond with rapturous applause as Simon does a disturbing little monkey dance in imitation of her moves.

Truda is a bit of an earth mother goddess who was inspired to enter the show following a heart attack she suffered a mere seven weeks ago. Simon, ever the diplomat probes deeply into her medical history. Leave her alone Si!

Truda makes a great Chrissie Hynde singing ;Back On The Chain Gang'. If you squint a bit you can almost imagine it truly is the goddess of pleather herself singing. Sadly, they've stuffed her in a suit that was a costume from one of those children's dramas about Victorian chimney sweeps. "'Ullo Guvnor, back on the Chain Gang are ya?"

Simon goes on about what a cool gran she would make and how he wishes she were his Gran. Strikes me as rather insulting as Truda is hardly ready for a walking frame and it's been a looooooooooooong time since Simon was in short pants and long socks. I think she's a bit young to be your gran Si!

Finally we meet Jared, a policeman. Simon asks him about the scariest moment he's ever experienced on the force. Why is Simon so keen on revealing the innermost fears and most terrifying experiences of these poor people's lives? Is he psychologically priming them for their performances ahead?

Jared performs admirably as Englebert Humperdinck performing ‘There Goes My Everything'. He's got the ‘Dincks distinctive warbling down and he wears the horror wig he's been assigned with aplomb. Even his frumptilian (which is a word I just invented, feel free to drop it into everyday conversation) 70's attire seems to hit the right note.

And now we await the results from the studio audience. Studio audience, you hold the futures of these famous five in your sweaty paws. So what do you say, studio audience? George Michael!??!!?? I'm afraid we will have to agree to disagree on this occasion.

But enough about me and my personal preferences, who did you want to win? And who would you want to be if you were on Stars In Their Eyes? If you do want to be a part of the show there's good news for all you budding super-novae out there!

TVNZ are looking for contestants for the next series! You could be flown to Las Vegas! Stay at the Paris Hotel! Get to wear horrible outfits and have a swarm of nylon-attired dancers gyrate behind you. Where do I sign up??? Oh, here? Ok.