Hi there TV fiends. I've been off sick for a bit and it's given me an opportunity to re-connect with my first true love - daytime TV. When I was young(er) I missed kindergarten altogether because I couldn't bear to be parted from my beloved friends on Days Of Our Lives.

Daytime TV is even better now though with a plethora of self-help gurus (Drs Phil and Keith, Oprah and Tyra) and soaps galore from The Bold and The Beautiful to The Young and The Restless (when are they going to make a soap called The Old and The Decrepit?)

Ellen's self named show is consistently entertaining and she has some seriously famous guests on her show, including the ones that only require one name!! Last week she had Slash AND Becks on.

My favourite daytime offering though is Emmerdale. At first glance Emmerdale may seem just like another charming but dull country hamlet, but look closer and you will find a seething underbelly of murder, adultery, rampant lesbianism and best scarecrow contests. It's chock-full of rural intrigue and has been scandalising audiences since 1972!

Ooh and I can't forget about Tyra, wherein Tyra Banks tries very hard to convince her audience that she is just like them. Only with a better collection of wigs and hairpieces.

In an episode about eating disorders Tyra explains that she started America's Next Top Model to try and revive the cult of the supermodel. Tyra is sick and tired of free-loading celebs hogging the magazine covers!!

In another quality episode Tyra uses the transformative powers of make-up to make a black man's dreams come true by turning him into a frightening looking albino.

Speaking of Tyra, last Friday marked the welcome return of America's Next Top Model - Cycle 9 to our screens. All our faves are back, including stylist Jay Manuel, and of course the ying to his yang, the ridiculous Miss J.

Miss J, despite the moniker is in fact a 7-foot tall man wearing size eleven heels (possibly on loan from Paris Hilton). We're 9 seasons into this show and I still can't understand why they have a man (even as womanly as Miss J is) teaching woman how to walk. Anyhoo, I guess he's entertaining.

Either by coincidence or design, most of the girls Tyra picks each cycle have some kind of troubled background. Tyra likes to reach out to those less fortunate and give them a helping hand, as evidenced by her daytime talk show. And just like her talk show, the healing process can only begin once they have tearfully revealed the horrors of their childhood to Tyra and her panel. Oh and the whole entire world.

Tuesday 13th May
Kelly Osbourne Turning Japanese - Prime 9.30PM
Documentary about Kelly Osbourne experiencing a working holiday in Japan. Kelly gets a job working in one of Japans infamous 'love hotels', waitresses at an oxygen bar and does battle with automated toilets.

Wednesday 14th May
Make Your Child Brilliant
Expert brain trainer Bernadette Tynan searches for hidden talents in children. Forget about the children, can you make ME brilliant??? Please???

Thursday 15th May
Babel - Sky Movies 8.30PM
Academy Award winning drama starring heavy-hitters Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchet. It must be good then!!

Friday 16th May
Samantha Who? - TV2 8.30PM
Christina Applegate returns to the small screen as Samantha Newly, a woman suffering from amnesia following a car crash. I know the premise doesn't sound all that funny, but this new comedy has rated well in the U.S. and garnered some good reviews.

Saturday 17th May
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - TV3 7.30PM
Take a refresher course in Indiana Jones lore in preparation for the upcoming release of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull!!

Sunday 18th May
The Simpsons - TV3 7.30PM
Brand new episodes to enjoy. Hurray!!!

Monday 19th May
Brain Power - TV1 9.30PM
Ooh it's all about brains this week. Tonight we learn about mind control, which could be awfully convenient when you're fighting over the last Tim Tam. Oh, they mean controlling your own mind. Curses.