It's been eight weeks of breath-taking, and at times gag-inducing, dancing and prancing and last night the finale billed as the clash of the codes drew to a dramatic close which saw Temepara triumph over Monty. But what else happened? Join me on our final tour of the world that is........Dancing With The Stars!!

The curtain rises on everyone's favourite dance spectacle and don't they all look nice? The stars are impeccably groomed and immaculately spray tanned. Even Jase looks like he's had a few coats. Helen Clark is there too!! Who knew she was such a fan of the dance?

Jason brandishes the winners' trophy, and again we are treated to a glimpse of the shameful disco ball replete with crooked mirror tiles that masquerades as a covetous prize. One lucky victor will clutch that beauty in their gleeful hands at tonight's conclusion.

Monty and Nerida are first out of the blocks with the quickstep. Wow, what a transformation! Monty looks totally at home on the dance floor and there is a cheeky wee gleam in his eye as he and Nerida effortlessly strut the floor. They do lots of complicated footwork which looks a bit like time-lapse hopscotch. The judges are loving it and they get off to a great start with a score of 33.

Just one dance in and it's time for the ads! Grrrrr. Although I am excited at the thrilling news that Stars In Their Eyes will be on in the same timeslot next week. It's nice to know that appointment viewing on a Tuesday will continue in the wake of the sad loss of DWTS.

Temepara and Stefano are next with the foxtrot. Those innovative costume designers have worked their magic again, transforming an ordinary bed valance into a spectacular ruffled fantasy. Temepara and Stefano are a vision as always and although they dance like a dream I can't help but think I prefer Monty and Nerida's first dance.

The judges however are delighted. Craig says ‘you put the fox in foxtrot' (but which one is he speaking to?) and congratulates Stefano on his choreography which is superb as always. Temepara says that the show has flown her partner Sione Faumuina over to be in the audience. The camera pans suddenly and upwardly to Sione so we get a good glimpse of what life is like inside the nasal cavity of a rugby league player.

They get a super score of 37 with a 10 thrown in from Alison.

Now it's time for our ‘non-winners' to dance. First up is Geeling and Brian, who you may recall as Robot Woman and her Puppetmaster. They do the same rumba they performed so excellently in episode 2 before Geeling short-circuited into Dancing With The Stars oblivion.

Then it's Peter and Hayley taking us for a stroll down memory lane with a revisit of their charming waltz from episode one. Finally, Martin gets to strut his high-waisted stuff once more with Lauren for the tango.

Err; remind me again why he had to see a repeat of those dances? This two hour finale is going for maximum filler.

Then we are treated to a performance by Candy Lane and the boys with her tribute to Moulin Rouge. As always, Candy and Brendan never fail to entertain with their wild theatrics. They enter into a very expressive, yet entirely non-vocal tiff which culminates in Candy deciding her time would be better spent with more suitable companions.

Namely, a gang of leather-vested men who were probably on their way to a gay bar in the eighties before she interrupted them. One of the gang is Brendan Pongia, former Dancing Star! And shock horror, another one of the men slithering towards her with a rose pressed betwixt his sweaty palms is the very svelte Rodney Hide. Shriek! The crowd is ecstatic.

Rodney dances with Candy and gives her the most awkward and treacherous of lifts before safely returning her to the ground with an audible sigh of relief from the entire nation.

Finally, we get back to the competitive portion of the programme and we get to see a repeat of Monty and Nerida's highest scoring dance, the Paso Doble from last week. Again they pull it off superbly, although for a brief moment I did think that Nerida's cape might stick to Monty's face as he twirled it, but sadly he managed to avoid what would have been a super entertaining faux-pas. The judges are ecstatic and they get a 10 each from Alison and Paul giving them a final score of 38.

Now I'm getting nervous. I like Monty and Nerida, but my allegiance lies with Temepara and Stefano.

Temepara and Stefano reprise their samba. It's a crowd favourite and you can see why. You just can't help but tap your toes and this pair are their usual infectiously fun selves. Stefano gives Temepara the upside-down-knicker-flash lift again to whoops and cheers of appreciation from the crowd. Again the judges are thrilled with their showing and reward them with a score of 36, with Alison pulling out her 10 paddle again!

Next up are some more ‘eliminees'. Tina and Aaron do their chacha; yes the dance with the splits. Cory and Rebecca perform their scary Paso Doble. Why aren't they doing one of their ballroom numbers? And why are they regurgitating this horrible dance?

Miriama and Jonny do their infamous samba featuring Miriama in her popular threadbare leotard. Can one of the charities for the next season please be the Dancing With The Stars wardrobe department? It seems like they don't have enough money to purchase fabric in larger quantities. Although I have heard some people (mostly men I might add) say they quite like things the way they are.......

And where is Helen? What has she been doing all this time? We've nary heard a peep out of her or caught sight of her. Rob Guest comes out and sings us a tune. He is modelling what appears to be a fetching grey wig and bears an uncanny resemblance to one of the puppets from Team America. Can we have less talking/singing and more dancing please?

Finally we enter the freestyle dance phase. Monty and Nerida are first with what appears to be an African Safari inspired samba. They enter in dramatic fashion with Nerida perched atop Monty, legs akimbo.

Nerida's dress is a frenzy of jungle print plumage, whilst Monty models a small strip of ruffles on his shoulder like a spray of your Nana's orchids. Monty looks a bit lost at times and it doesn't look like they've had much time to practise.

Alas, again I am totally wrong as the judges lap it up. They love the music, the hips, the pecs, they love it all! Except Craig who announces that the routine was based on one step - the shimmy. They get a sterling score of 37 with a 10 from Paul.

Will victory be snatched from the hands of my favourites?

The pressure is on as Temepara and Stefano take the floor, sedately dressed in black. They are dancing to "I Am What I Am" a song Stefano has chosen for Temepara. As they are just starting to warm up, Stefano rips Temeparas' black frock off to reveal a golden tinsel creation to rival that of any of Miriamas' dresses. Wow!

These two are a hand-clapping, disco dancing sensation. Shaking, shimmying and even the odd jazz hand are thrown in to create a truly exciting dance experience. They finish with Temepara doing the most absurd hand stand over Stefano's knees which ends with Temepara backwards on Stefano's shoulder. My mouth hangs agape for several moments at such gymnastics.

I am truly shocked to my core by their dynamic display, mostly because on first viewing I thought she was actually sitting on his head (which would have been most unseemly for a family show). Craig is overjoyed with the dance, and with the fact that they were dancing to his anthem. "A-MA-ZING", says he.

Alison is equally entranced saying ‘"you danced through my heart and left footprints". Does she write for Hallmark Greeting Cards in her spare time? They get three tens in their score; Craig declares that he has pulled his 10 paddle out of the cobwebs. Stingy Brendan shortchanges them with a 9 for a final score of 39.

Oh no and now we are subjected to even more filler. This time it's Jason singing a mini-medley with Tina Cross and Peter Urlich. He truly is New Zealand's answer to Bruce Forsythe. I hope the prizes on his new version of Wheel Of Fortune include a teasmaid and a cuddly toy.

Finally, mercifully, the results are in. Jason draws the moment out interminably, I hold my breath for the results, and then its applause and tears all round as Temepara and Stefano are deemed champions. Temepara is presented with her disco ball trophy which is almost as big as her head.

And so the ‘journey' as the entire cast of Dancing With The Stars is so fond of saying has come to an end. And so has our journey, dear reader. Thanks for all your comments and opinions over the past eight weeks. We've enjoyed reading them all and we hope to see you here again next time, when Dancing With The Stars (or my personal pick for replacement "Miming With The Stars") returns.