It's back! Dancing with the Stars returns for Season Four. 

Which is kind of suprising really when you consider that our celebosphere is more akin to a black hole than a glittering galaxy of stars. They've managed to pull some pretty decent talent together and haven't had to scrape the bottom of the barrel just yet (although I bet Chloe from Wainuiomata is sitting by the phone waiting for the call for Season 5). I can understand why the concept is so popular, but can't they mix it up a little bit?

Aren't we all just a wee bit tired of ballroom dancing? Why can't we have "Clogging With The Stars" or "Krumping With The Stars"? I would eat my own earwax if it meant I got to see Judy Bailey pulling out some shapes.

Anyhoo, on to the dancefloor. This week we have the waltz and the chacha (or the ChaaaaChaaaChaaaa as the announcer likes to call it). Cory Hutchings and Rebecca Nicholson enter the dance floor in what appear to be stripper-inspired outfits. I kept expecting Cory to rip off his pants in the finale and Rebecca to unhook the hanky she had draped across her bra. However, this is a family show so all modesty was maintained and instead the finale is a tricky between the legs manouvre. An effusive Cory says "it was awesome" and the pair get the scoring off to a good start.

Next up is Geeling Ng and Brian Jones performing the waltz. There is something very Fred Astaire-esque about Brian. Sadly, Geeling is no Ginger to his Fred and the pair get a disappointing score, despite there being nary a non-Vaselined tooth in sight.

Evil judge Craig Revel-Howard comments that their waltz was more like a tango, and at this the depressed looking audience boo in outrage. Clearly, it is a terrible thing to be compared to the tango.

Paul Mercurio offers them a few matey tips. He has filled out a bit since his 'Strictly Ballroom' days and now looks more like a rugby coach than a dancing judge. I was waiting for him to say "quick hands" or "fast balls" or whatever it is rugby coaches say.

Meaty Monty Beetham and his partner Nerida Jantii appear in a whirl of hot pink mesh and latex, looking like they got lost on their way to the Hero Parade. Nerida is of course well known for her previous appearances on DWTS and for being one half of Shanida (along with partner Shane Cortese), New Zealand's very own answer to glamour power couple Brangelina.

 Monty impresses the judges with his rhythmic leg-shaking. Paul observes "you can dance". Monty and Nerida stand suspiciously close together, but this will not be a repeat of her dance romance with Shane, his pink mesh singlet has merely become entangled in the hooks of her uncomfortable looking bustier. Candy Lane has to GO THERE and make the obvious 'Full Monty' joke and makes all the viewers at home choke on their cups of tea.

Martin Devlin and Lauren de Boeck commence the waltz looking like a brainwashed zombie cult couple. They could be recruiters for the Moonies. Paul seems to take offence at Martin's hesitation to answer the question "Do you like to dance" and punishes him with a chilling reminder to 'change that attitude'. Alison gives a rambling answer about how being a tall straight white guy is finally good for something and skirts around the actual performance. For all the negatives they do well and get a good score.

Tina 'Show Pony' Cross explains in her introductory clip that although she is an 'entertainer' she has no formal dance training. Whatever Tina. She is clearly a pro, despite her lack of formal training. As evidenced by doing the splits!!

This would seem a rather impossible feat to the ordinary layperson, especially one in their late-40's (as she freely admits) AND who has only been training for 4 weeks. I smell an inside job.

The judges abound with praise for the Tina and her partner Aaron Gilmore and Alison Leonard makes the comment of the night "We've all got one but yours is HUUUUGE Tina - Personality". For the viewers playing along at home, what did you think she was going to say?

Peter Urlich and his partner Hayley Holt look mahhhhvellous as they waltz amidst the flowing dry ice. Heartfelt moments are exchanged between Peter and Jason post-waltz and everyone agrees that their performance was top notch.

Peter explains his charity 'What's Up' to Jason and says that for every $1000 they can help 450 kids. "I think that's great value, don't you?" Peter asks Jason, seeming to genuinely want Jasons opinion on this fiscal conundrum but Jason, ever the consummate host does not enter into it. They are my faves thus far.

Temepara George and Stefano Oliveri slink onto the floor for the Chacha. I thought I saw Stefano drop the lovely Temepara a bit at the end, but my non-dancers eyes were clearly clouded by all that dry ice as they drew good comments from the judges, although Paul Mercurio and Brendan Cole do get into a bit of a niggling fight over their opposing views on technique which is all a bit boring really. Craig Revel Howard declares that "the very sexy opening sequence could turn a gay man straight".

The final dance of the evening is the waltz performed by Miriama Smith and Jonny Williams. I had some concerns for Miriama's safety in her mirror ball dress. I feared she may blind herself and then become entangled in the streamers flowing from her sleeves and choke on live national television. Thankfully it never came to this but the risk was real and palpable. I just hope TVNZ get an Occupational Health and Safety officer on site before next week. Miriama and Jonny give a stunning performance and close out the show with the top score for the week.