But I digress!
NW has a ‘world exclusive' theory behind the real reason Lindsay Lohan's DJ lover Samantha Ronson was admitted to hospital for ‘exhaustion' just before Christmas. It wasn't drugs. Or partying too hard. Or losing the will to live from hearing Lindsay talk about Lindsay all the time.
The mag says the DJ was pregnant.
Apparently the couple had agreed on their desire for a baby, and thought it was just the ticket to stop them arguing and make Lindsay quit chasing after blokes. When you can't stop fighting and one of you is running around after the opposite sex, I think the solution there is probably to break up. But a baby, what the hey!
The mag reports the choice of rather androgynous looking Sam to get pregnant surprised even the couple themselves. "It was always assumed that Lindsay, the more feminine of the two, would carry the child," says the mag - but that Lindsay's history of eating disorders and drug abuse meant Ronson was in better nick biologically to carry a baby.
Sam thought this was a great idea after "months of obsessing that Lindsay was going to leave her for a man."
Please tell me I'm not the only one who thinks this is a bad idea. Lindsay Lohan shouldn't even get to look after a goldfish, let alone a fully formed, helpless human being.
On one hand, you've got a 22-year-old with a history of bulimia, instability, drug abuse and drunk driving. On the other a DJ who's known to do little more than put her iPod on shuffle at parties. Can you imagine if Lindsay Lohan was your mother? Aye carumba! I think I'd rather have Naomi Campbell, and that's saying something.
On a rather more reassuring note on the mothering front, the Woman's Weekly leads this week with Kiwi actress Keisha Castle-Hughes. Keisha, as you'll remember, did a Jamie Lynn Spears before Jamie Lynn did and fell pregnant to her high school sweetheart at the age of 16. Much finger pointing ensued.
Keisha gave birth to baby one month after she turned 17 - and her toddler daughter, Felicity Amore, is now 20 months old. The mag talks to Keisha about maturing, motherhood, work and life with gorgeous Felicity and fiancé Bradley.
If, like me, your entire body feels like it's composed more of vodka and salty snacks than blood and bone after a New Year getaway, a couple of the mags kick off 2009 with bikini body specials.
The Woman's Day focuses on what's healthy for every decade and quizzes Kiwi stars on their good and bad eating habits. Hayley Holt admits Rashuns "are her favourite thing." Shorto's Amanda Billing loves to smell a pie. Suzanne Paul's not a fan of running ("all that dashing about's not quite right to me") and Candy Lane has her own theory on why she needs to keep moving.
"If I stopped dancing tomorrow and ate what I wanted, I'd look like Kirstie Alley!"
NW also kicks off the New Year with a bikini bodies special, awarding gongs to the best (Kate Beckinsale, Rihanna, Lara Bingle, Charlize Theron) and the worst (Mischa Barton, Donatella Versace). How embarrassing for 22-year-old Mischa to get lumped in with the wizened Fraggle of celebritydom. More on her later!
The mag also has handy diet and exercise hints if you want to get a body like the Victoria's Secret Angels. Which is pretty much along the lines of grow a foot taller, and quit eating and doing everything you like. I suspect even if we all survived on nothing but celery and a regime of squats we still wouldn't look like those girls.
But at least I have a bellybutton. Take that, Karolina Kurkova!
On the front of the New Idea Tom Cruise continues his ‘I'm normal, see!' campaign in an attempt to get people to go see his Nazi flick, Valkyrie, (opening in New Zealand on February 5). Will you go and see it?
He wants you to forget the crazy. Whether you do or not is up to you, people, but watch this YouTube vid for a refresher course. Just don't look into his eyes. Crazy eyes!
And just for giggles, here he is ruining the springs on Oprah's furniture.
The actual interview, in which he talks about fatherhood, his new flick, and of course, his wife, is pretty dry. No mention of the S-word.
Which rather differs from the story on the Cruises in the Day, reporting that the couple have received death threats from an anti-Scientology group. Tom and Katie are ‘believed to be living separately in a bid to protect themselves.' Yeah, that's what she told you, Tom. Make a break for it Katie, while the coast is clear of actors in stacked heels!
"We have a responsibility," he's quoted as saying in the Day about his beloved religion. "We are the authorities on getting people off drugs, we are the authorities on the mind, we are the authorities on improving conditions, we can rehabilitate criminals, we can bring peace and unite cultures."
They could, but they can't be bothered?
Is Angie Jolie addicted to Botox? The Day suggests yes. Consider their evidence - she doesn't look tired as she did three months ago. Three months ago she had three month old twins. Maybe the babies are sleeping more?
Interestingly though, the mag reports that it was babydaddy Brad Pitt who inspired Angelina to get Botox after he had the jab himself on the set of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.
In the New Idea Angie is said to be reuniting with her dad Jon Voight, after years of estrangement. I wonder why Brad Pitt always hooks up with women with parental issues? Jennifer Aniston didn't speak to her mother for about ten years.
The Weekly's latest on The Aniston is that Jen is ‘alone and distraught' in LA, sulking after Brad said their marriage had ‘hit a dead end' in the press.
"She feels more and more that life's just not fair," a pal spills. Yes, I imagine it's not. Try telling that to someone in the Congo or the Gaza Strip while you sit in Beverly Hills drying your eyes with your millions of dollars and worrying about the size of your arse.
"Her New Year's resolution should be that she will never mention their names in public again," a not-so-discreet source close to the star told the mag.
Or at least to gain a sense of perspective.
And since it's a new year, shall I relax my militant stance on mentioning Hollywood's favourite publicity seeker, Mrs Eva Longoria Parker? NW reckons her marriage to Tony Parker is already on the rocks, with the couple not having been seen together in public since September. And it's not like Eva avoids the paps.
But while Tony's been MIA Eva's hand has been present and accounted for, snapped resting on the inside of Prison Break star Amaury Nolasco's thigh.
Busted!
"He's very relaxed about sex and life in general and thinks Eva is uptight and obsessed with her weight and looks," says the NW of Eva's husband.
Anyone keen to bet on how much longer they'll last?
Is Catherine Zeta Jones hopping on the geriatric baby-making train again? New Idea reports the actress is planning a third child with rapidly ageing hubby Michael Douglas.
Whenever I mention Michael I still can't shake the image of his saggy arse walking away from the camera in Basic Instinct. That made my basic instinct the need to hurl.
Avert thine eyes! If you want to keep your innocence, don't look at pics of a bikini-clad Donatella Versace strolling a Caribbean beach in the Day. It's like a rasher of overfried bacon grew a pair of sinewy legs and took to the sand. That, or the love child of a rhino's hide and a dry roasted peanut. Fake boobs on a skeletal chest! A backside heading down to the knee area! That bleached hair! It's all sorts of unpleasantness.
The only body part that's not sizzled to billy-o in the sun is Donatella's weirdly white top lip.
And this is a woman who makes millions telling other women how to look good? Pah!
It's good to know that whatever the year, some things never change. Victoria Beckham is getting thinner by the day. And Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson are rumoured to be back together. Yes, again.
And that's all from the mags this week!
Lowe likes to play the bad guy
Rihanna Gets Her Message Out
Hanks attends "Beyond All Boundaries" screening
I still wonder what Oprah was really thinking when Cruise acted like a posessed fool on her show?