After Ange was rude enough to give birth after most weekly rags had gone to print, the publications are scrambling to provide all the goss on the Miracle Twins, Vivienne and Knox. Let's see what they've got to say.

New Idea promises details of the 'dramatic birth' and 'harrowing delivery'. Born Weeks Early! Doctors On High Alert! Oh please. I'm pretty sure it's actually rather rare for twins to be carried to full term, and that a tad early is the norm.

Anyway, if that's the case, why is the Woman's Weekly all gooey and pink with their article on the bliss of the birth? We're talking tears of joy and laughter throughout, special mention of Ange's 'grace and courage' and all that jazz.

Although if I were awarding a prize for the most saccharine coverage I would have to go with Woman's Day, for the hilarious (and most likely untrue) revelation that Brad cried so much he had to put cucumber on his puffy eyes!

The Day have gone with 'Shiloh's shock reaction' for their cover teaser on this one. Read the article and you'll find the tot did the following: looked at the babies, then smiled and kissed them.  And seeing as the other mags are all carrying stories of how she's been practising for the twins' arrival by playing with dolls (a toddler? With dolls? Insane!), it doesn't seem like there's much to be wide-eyed about.

When it's sunny on one side of the world, the other is plunged into darkness. If Brad and the missus are enjoying their time in the sun, that must mean it's time for another pessimistic story about Jennifer Aniston, and Woman's Weekly doesn't disappoint.

Jen is apparently devastated by man-toy/budding sperm donor John Mayer's 'sleazy antics' while on tour. Whenever she takes her eye off him he's out chatting up the local hotties. One of them, calling herself Chaton, spilled to a magazine about his pickup attempt, which consisted of him saying his relationship status was "Vague. Very vague." Come on John, at least give them a verse of 'Your Body is a Wonderland'. Supposedly this chickie's a writer; however, with a name like Chaton (which is French for 'Kitten') I'm guessing she may have a sideline in another, more nocturnal occupation.

A surprise entrant in the mags this week is flame-haired ex-royal, Fergie. The former Duchess of Pork has rather appropriately scored herself a Norwegian millionaire who made his dosh in the frozen food business, meaning New Idea, Woman's Weekly and Woman's Day all give her ample coverage - probably because they get to refer to him as her 'fish finger fiancé'. I'm glad she's happy but you should check out the pics of this guy - he looks like he sleeps on a park bench! Maybe he's one of those crazy super-rich people who like to disguise their wealth.

In other royal news, Prince William has been spotted wandering through posh shop Selfridge's and casting an eye over the jewellery displays. Don't get too excited though. As if the future King of England would propose with a piece of department store bling.

Famous British export Sienna Miller is gaining more headlines for her personal life than her films, as usual. She's hooked up with Balthazar Getty of Brothers and Sisters fame and the pair are getting raunchy all over the place. Slight hitch, though - he's married with four kids. It doesn't seem to bother Sienna too much, but neither do some other social niceties. Like wearing clothes, for example.

Woman's Day is boasting exclusive pics of the naughty twosome on holiday with friends and the girl cannot seem to keep a bikini top on for the life of her. If you're sunbathing on your luxury yacht then sure, if you want to flaunt it, fine. It's the pics of her standing round on dry land with nips akimbo while all around her are fully clothed that are just plain weird.

What other juicy tidbits have the mags got on offer this week? Madonna and Guy Ritchie are desperately trying to bail out the sinking ship that is their marriage with new rules. Apparently Guy's been restricted to just one showbiz outing every two months. And in return Madge has graciously agreed to restrict her workout time from four hours a day to three. What a peach!

There's speculation Minnie Driver's baby daddy is none other than Colin Farrell, which would be even more salacious if rumours his girlfriend of two years is also expecting turn out to be true.

Woman's Day reckons Drew Barrymore and Justin Long broke up because he thought she drank too much and chose the bottle over him. OK! is reporting he's already on the rebound with Kirsten Dunst. Er, Justin, if you don't dig party girls, what on earth are you doing with Kiki? She's not exactly known for sobriety.

It may already be over for Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon. Say it isn't so! A friend says, "He's realised that he doesn't really like her very much." Such a simple statement. It fills me with glee.

And to finish off this week's gossip haul... Jordan wants to adopt a disabled Bulgarian orphan. I have no words, so feel free to express your own below.