Send your virtual sympathy this way, all y'all. After a rootin' tootin' Western themed staff do last night, the Yahoo!Xtra office is feeling a bit worse for wear, both from partying a bit too hearty and with various injuries sustained while riding the mechanical bull.

As a result of a late night, much merriment and today's diet solely consisting of pastry, Powerade and battered things, I'm a bit slow on the take. Forgiveness, please.

Pop the question? What question?

Justin Timberlake's lady love and wannabe big screen movie star Jessica Biel graces the front of August's US Harper's Bazaar magazine.

The mag swoons "over the last several years, Jessica has reinvented herself rather dramatically from a television personality into a serious A-list actress."

Yeah, because I'm sure when movie producers are thinking of who to hire for those blockbuster roles they think Julia, Nicole, Cameron, Reese...Jessica Biel. Don't think so, love. And let's not forget I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry a movie that actually made me wish I'd been born without eyes and ears.

Jess talks about growing up tomboy in Colorado, keeping her buff bod, and the M-word. Marriage, apparently, isn't for her.

"You know, the actual idea of signing those papers and doing all this stuff about it, I've never been someone who's like, ‘I have to, have to, have to have it.' But the idea of being with somebody I care about, who's my soul mate, that sounds groovy."

Okay, Austin Powers.

So I guess if old JT proposed to her she would turn him down, since she's not that keen?

 

Madonna, supposed baseball groupie

This Madonna and the baseball player thing is going from weird to weirder. The latest from NYC is that Alex Rodriguez confided to a friend six months ago that Madonna is his ‘soulmate,' a view apparently not shared by the Material Girl herself.

Next up is baseball legend (he's even been on The Simpsons! Take that, A-Rod) Jose Canseco, who's come out and blabbed that Madonna badgered him to ‘impregnante' her with a Cuban baby in the early 90s. He says he is tall, athletic and handsome (but apparently not modest) and Madonna begged him to leave his wife and come and provide the seed for some Cuban-American-Italian bambinos.

Wait, can you smell that? Oh, it's Jose's story that stinks. In one publication he mentioned that Madonna wanted another Cuban baby after the birth of her first daughter, Lourdes. Except that this whole Madonna-Canseco thing went down in 1991, and Lourdes wasn't born til 1996.

 

Hey baby, hey!

As if celebrities aren't loaded enough, it seems the certain way these days to bump up a celeb's bank account is to flog off pics of their offspring to the gossip rags for obscene amounts of cash.

First up this week was Jamie Lynn Spears with new daughter Maddie on the cover of US OK!, which will probably hit our shelves on the front of Aussie OK! in the next week or two. The baby is a cutie, but Jamie Lynn's hair on the front cover troubles me. Is that Photoshop I see before me, or has a 17-year-old really dyed her hair the hue of Dorothy from The Golden Girls?

Next up will be Honor Marie Warren, Jessica Alba's babe in arms, who raked in her mama $1.5m for a newborn spread with OK! and a further photo shoot with the baby. Matthew McConaughey didn't waste any time flogging his son Levi, born on Monday, with a rumoured $3m payday. That's a lot of new jandals. But it's all chump change as the mags try to outbid each other for pictures of Brad and Angelina's almost-born twins, with bidding currently hovering around the $16m mark.

 

You want fries with that?

The Smut's favourite huckery blonde, Pamela Anderson, is currently on the Gold Coast of Australia getting paid half a million big ones to be the special celebrity guest on the current season of Aussie Big Brother.

Pamela is a long-time vegetarian and ardent supporter of PETA, which is why she found herself outside a branch of KFC in Queensland with a letter for the company's head honcho about the cruel way they supposedly treat their chickens. Don't know about you, but nothing says take my beliefs seriously to me like a pair of orange hotpants. Pity is, KFC's the major sponsor of Aussie Big Brother. You want fries with that Pam?

Now, not only is Pam not actually staying overnight in the BB house, preferring to retire to the cushy Palazzo Versace of an evening, she claimed that they didn't have the Big Brother phenomenon on American TV. Except that the show's been running in the US for ten seasons.

Now, no-one's bandying around the words ‘dumb blonde' here. Okay, I am. But I think Pam needs to do her homework, or at least hire an assistant to do it for her.