I tend to go with the tried-and-true method of choosing whichever has something mean to say about Tom Cruise. I'm sorry, but that man gives me the willies.

Woman's Day is reporting that Cruise has moved his family into a brand new Hollywood mansion - or should I say bunker? Costing a cool $45 million, the house is kitted out with state-of-the-art security measures to keep out crazed fans (Tom Cruise still has fans?) and anti-Scientology activists.

Tom has filled the house with security cameras to monitor his family's every move, and installed a total of three panic rooms, but that's not enough. He's also bought guard dogs and is making plans to build a moat.

That's right, A MOAT. The irony is, the only people Katie and Suri seem to need protection from is Xenu - sorry, Tom - himself.

Speaking of controlling spouses, Woman's Weekly has a feature on Ashton Kutcher, who's just turned 30. Ashton's spouting his usual gushy talk about how much he loves wife Demi Moore and how the 15-year age gap doesn't matter. Then he lets slip about how she doesn't like him to tell stories from before he met her.

"I'll start talking about something that happened during my wild bachelor days and Demi will put her hand over my lips. 'That's BD (Before Demi) - you don't talk about that,' she will say.'" There's a good boy, Ashton. Now go finish your chores, it's almost your bed time.

The Weekly also has the latest on the royals. Kate Middleton, still hanging on grimly for that proposal (although if the cover of Woman's Day is to be believed it's going to happen any day now), is in a bit of a pickle. The Queen's told Waity to get a real job and apparently this is a dilemma. Why? She's damned if she does, and damned if she doesn't, according to a friend. "She doesn't want to be perceived as lazy, but it was difficult for her when she worked at the fashion company Jigsaw because she got ribbed for doing a four-day week."

Not seeing the dilemma here, sorry. How about working a five-day week? The rest of us mortals seem to manage. I'm guessing the real 'problem' is the toll a job would take on her party lifestyle.

Oh, dear. Last week the mags were all predicting a wedding for Jennifer Aniston and new boyfriend John Mayer. This week we've fast-forwarded to baby fever. New Idea reports that at a dinner with friends, Jen brought the conversation round to babies and fertility drugs. John quickly put a stop to that by talking about how nice and garlicky the spinach was. Fair play to him, I say! They've only just started going out.

There's more on George Clooney's breakup with Sarah Larson in Woman's Weekly - it seems rumours that the split came about because she wanted a boob job are true. Silly girl - faced with either surgery or a sexy movie star, I know which I'd choose. George was happy with her rack the way it was, she insisted she needed a pert new pair, and she was out on her ear before she knew it - literally! Sarah didn't know she was dumped until she read it in the paper. While his ex did seem a bit of a social climber, that's a pretty un-classy move from the usually suave Mr Clooney.

From boob watch to baby watch! Jessica Alba and Tori Spelling have given birth to their bundles of joy, both girls. Remaining contenders in the race to the delivery suite are Angelina Jolie (still!), Nicole Kidman, Gwen Stefani and Lisa Marie Presley, as well as Jamie Lynn Spears and Matthew McConaughey's girlfriend Camilla Alves.

In bizarre news, New Idea is tipping tween star Miley Cyrus as a potential convert to Scientology, with current costar John Travolta purportedly pushing the 'religion' on her whenever possible. I doubt it. Miley's got Southern Baptist roots and I don't see her flying the L. Ron Hubbard flag any time soon. Billy Ray wouldn't stand for it.

OK! magazine has committed the cardinal sin this week – the cover story that's all a bunch of hooey. "Bride-to-be Nicole (Richie) tells: I'm getting married!" it screams, promising details of designer gowns, wedding diets, the invite list and more babies to come. Save your pennies, people. The most concrete detail OK! has been able to dredge up is that the wedding will be "soon", whatever that means. The dress talk is a bunch of speculation, guest lists are also a guesstimate, and the baby talk? Yes, at some point they would like more children. No, she is not pregnant right now.

To wrap up this week's news, Oprah's putting on weight again, while Posh has fallen in love – with Eva Longoria Parker's cheesy enchiladas. No, that's not a euphemism; she really is going nuts over Mexican food, the kind with calories in it. Posh eating? Now I've heard everything.

And that's all from the mags this week!