Just when you thought Mariah couldn't surprise you, the original cheesy diva goes and gets married to her boyfriend of four weeks...after she got a tattoo saying ‘Mrs Cannon' across the bottom of her back! I thought better of Mariah than to emblazon herself with a tramp stamp.

Anyway, the new Mrs Cannon has a toyboy husband after a ceremony in Bermuda and the mags are undecided whether Mimi awoke from her lust-induced haze to sort out a pre-nup before the knot was tied. If she didn't Mr Carey, aka Nick Cannon, could be entitled to a huge chunk of Mariah's $290 million dollar fortune, and half of her puppies, butterflies, lollipops and Hello Kitty collection.

The visuals! Er, apparently Terri Irwin has a ‘sexy' future, or so the New Idea would have you believe. How so?

She boasts a buff body on the cover of the official Australia Zoo magazine (yes, it's called Crikey) and talks about her new clothing line (khaki for all!) while ‘holding on to a large python'.

Stop laughing in the back.

I'm surprised there haven't been more ‘Rotten Peaches' headlines bandied about after Sir Bob Geldof's girl was shown on a videotape giving cash to a well-known London drug dealer. You and I know that there's normally one reason people give drug dealers cash, followed by the words ‘I'll need a Valium after this!', but British police can't confirm if Peaches got something in exchange for her pounds or what that may have been.

These would be the same drug dealers who filmed Amy Winehouse smoking crack and sold the footage to the tabloids earlier this year. Nice friends to have. But sure, capturing Amy Winehouse doing drugs on film must be like shooting fish in a barrel.

Speaking of Wino, the NW reports that she's pregnant, although unsure who to. Not her husband Blake obviously, who's been banged up since last November. You look at the bump and let me know what you think. She's got no body fat and a well-known habit for foreign substances, so it'd be a hardy feotus that could survive in there.

Baby girls are all the rage around Auckland, and it sounds like the same is true of Hollywood. Word is Brad and Angelina are expecting a pair of little mademoiselles as they chill out in the south of France ahead of the Cannes Film Festival.

Angie is keeping it casual, with a ‘birth team' and 12 staff, including a personal nanny for each of their four kids. Okay you mummies out there, you can relax. Now you know how those two have time to work out and ride motorcycles and do their saintly works while you don't have enough time to fart.

They're staying at the mansion of Microsoft founder Paul Allen and hanging out with Bono and The Edge. Is there anyone these two don't know? They're connected up to the eyeballs!

I always wondered what The Edge's wife called him. Does she call him Edge? Edgie? Edgie Wedgie?

My girl Zahara's gotten so big! She will love it in France. Instead of stealing Shiloh's cookies she can bully croissants and croque monsieurs off her little sister.

Word is Victoria and David Beckham could be expecting baby number four, the Woman's Day reports. Could it be their much-longed for girl? Maybe they could utilise my favourite would-be celebrity baby name, Frappucino. Although Posh thinks she's quite continental and that. What about Paella? They did used to live in Spain. Paella Enfanta de Miranda Sangria Beckham.

NW has a special feature on the scourge of modern womanhood. No, not Paris Hilton. Cellulite. But if someone gave me the choice of which one I could get rid of, I'd have to think about it for a while. Smooth thighs vs the good of us all? I'll still have to get back to you.

Said article was prompted by pics of 22-year-old Mischa Barton snapped in Australia with a very lumpy lower section a couple of weeks ago. Mischa's people claim someone's Photoshopped the cottage cheese look on to her legs. It does seem weird for someone so young and thin. Or maybe not when they show you the blasted curse's other victims, including Kate Moss, Cindy Crawford and Delta Goodrem.

Gordon Ramsay has size 16 feet which may pose problems for him on the dance floor after he's agreed to compete in Strictly Come Dancing - the UK version of Dancing With The Stars. You know what they say about men with big feet!

Large shoes.

The Oscars of fashion is what they call the charity ball at New York's Metropolitan Museum of Modern Art, but Posh must have thought it was fright night. All three local mags have pictures of Victoria Beckham looking like a dried up New York 1950s socialite whose body mass is composed entirely of gin martinis and inhaled Chihuahua hair.

Woman's Day has had a facelift, and their ace in the hole this week is ‘The INSIDE story' (their capitalisation, not mine) into Kate Hawkesby and Mike Hosking's maybe romance. They claim it's a rumour that has kept New Zealand guessing for seven years. Is it, New Zealand? Is it? I have been pondering more important things, like what's really in a can of reduced cream and who cuts Hilary Barry's hair.

Anyways, the ‘special friends' arrived together in a ‘dramatic watershed moment' at the annual radio awards last week together, and apparently indulged in some holdy handy-ness under the table. She denies it. The Day's source tells a different story, one of DVDs and takeways in Remuera. So who to believe?

Apparently the coming out is "A bit like Prince Charles being seen out for the first time with Camilla after Diana died." Yes, just like that. But without the royalty, the tragedy, the intrigue and the care factor.

You know my rule when it comes to smut, people, believe what you want and damn the torpedoes!

Suri Cruise is snapped in the Day clutching on to a single high heel as a comforter. Don't go judging. If you grew up in that family you'd want all the comfort you could get.

If it's not annoying enough that Gisele Bundchen is incredibly good looking with a rocking body, she's also filthy rich. Here's one you didn't expect - Kirstie Alley got fat again. And motherhood may prove a littler harder than expected for teenage babymama JamieLynn Spears, who's rumoured to be expecting a girl.

"Jamie's getting a little freaked out. She's decided she never wants to change a nappy!"

Good luck with that, lady. Who's gonna do it for you, Britney?

And that's all from the mags this week!