No-one perfects the art of the snide put-down quite like the British, which is why I adore the nation's tabloids and mags. Where else would you find a headline like ‘Mucca chucksa cuppa water over Macca's lawyer Shacka?' It's smutty gossip heaven.

And the smarmy comments aren't just restricted to the British media. Apparently Kate Middleton's decision to quit her job and become a lady of leisure has not gone down well in royal circles.

‘Waitey Katey's' decision isn't a popular one, with once royal source sniping ‘She needs more on her CV than a knowledge of nightclubs.' I say! One is obviously not amused.

Meanwhile, my girl Chelsy "Make mine a double" Davy is surging ahead in popularity among the powers that be at the palace. While Chelsy's working hard at uni and doesn't seem to court the attention she gets, sources say Kate seems "desperate to become a princess."

Team Chelsy! She can come and sink some margaritas with me any time.

Is Jennifer Aniston about to become a mama? Woman's Day reports that the star has adoption plans in place and will welcome a baby boy into her life by Christmas - and she even has the name picked out if the mag is to be believed.

Pals Courteney Cox and Sheryl Crow have inspired Jen with their kids, and although the comparisons to ex-hubby Brad Pitt and his missus, Angelina Jolie, are inevitable, the mag says Jen is past giving a hoot what other people think.

And good for her!

Mr and Mrs Cruise now have matching haircuts - and I don't think I'm the only one that's concerned about this. Tommy Girl is giving more and more weight to the theory that he just wants to be married to himself. Although Katie is thinner with a better wardrobe.

Tori Spelling flogs photos of her son's first birthday which can be seen in the Woman's Day. In attendance was that other bastion of child privacy, Denise Richards. And a chimp with a t-shirt saying ‘I love Liam'. Forget that Spelling kid. The ape is the star.

New Idea talks to my favourite TV chef, Gordon Ramsay, about life in and out of the kitchen. Jamie Oliver is so last year. Cursing while cooking is where it's at. He says his wife Tana is banned from his kitchen and has her own one downstairs after she "charred some packaged lasagne."

But the joke's on Ramsay as their four kids prefer mum's cooking.

Now I kind of see it, but a good friend of mine swoons over Gordon Ramsay. She'd let him poach her eggs any time. Is he hot or not?

Latest word from Camp Jolie-Pitt is that Angie and Brad are ‘losing control of their unruly brood.' Zahara rules the roost, while Maddox and Pax give each other a bit of argy bargy. Miss Z is a scrapper apparently, scratching and pushing Shiloh in behaviour ‘usually motivated by snacks.'

"Z once clawed Shiloh's cheek after she tried to take her cookie...she's always pulling on Shiloh's hair so she can steal her food."

That's my girl! Zahara's always been my favourite Pitt-Jolie kid, and since most of my behaviour is also motivated by snacks, I think we are kindred spirits. If only she was 20 years older!

WHO magazine this week brings you 100 body and fitness tips from the stars, which I celebrated reading by sucking down a Coke, the full-sugar kind, and a bag of those Krispa corn chips, the crunchy ones that stick on your tongue. Don't judge me. It's Monday.

They'll give you small pearls of wisdom like have your trainer live with you, so you can't sneak food (Mariah Carey), doing "organic vinegar shots" (Fergie), and "If I want potato chips, I have three or four" (Angie Harmon). Liar! I'm pretty sure only putting your hand in the chip bag three or four times is a physical impossibility.

Kate Beckinsale is a girl after my own heart - her diet tip is sleeping.

Sarah Jessica Parker opens up about in Who about being voted the ‘unsexiest woman alive' in a men's magazine poll. Er, Sarah Jessica Parker is pretty! Sexy is a matter of taste, of course, but I can't believe she is considered unsexier than Tori Spelling, or Rosie O'Donnell, or Amy Winehouse? (granted, Wino came second).

If someone broke the news to me that males at large found me less sexy than a drug addict with a poxy skin disease, you know I'd be upset too.

Jennifer Lopez is back, bitches! A mere six weeks after giving birth to twins, J-Lo is back in fighting form, causing disbelief to new mums everywhere. Despite comparing herself to the shape of a ‘battleship' after the birth of Max and Emme in February, Lopez has lost most of the 23 kilos she gained during pregnancy.

I'm not surprised. J-Lo is rumoured to be second only to Madonna when it comes to discipline and a fierce workout regime. In the photo snapped at the end of March, Jennifer looks great in a black shift dress in the Weekly, but husband Marc looks beat! I'm not surprised. You know deep down she's making him get up for the night shift while she's kicking back getting her skin buffed with gold dust.

Heather Mills is furious that Paul McCartney had the gall to go on holiday with another woman just weeks after their divorce was made final. Macca's been celebrating his new found freedom with American woman about town Nancy Shevell in Antigua, and Heather's not happy.

"She thinks Paul is publicly celebrating their divorce and parading girlfriends in front of her." Of course he's celebrating you old tool! He's cleaned out his closet and flushed out the crazy. Now take your hard-earned millions and bugger off.

And that's all from the mags this week!