There are certain things that you can always depend on to steady yourself on the rocky road of life. The sun sets in the west. No one ever really wants to go to the gym on a Monday. Over Easter you'll eat far too many crème eggs than is good for a person, and George Clooney will always be a bachelor.

Or will he?

New Idea leads with the report that George and his lady love are engaged, and if that's true then I don't know what to believe any more. Word is that George popped the question to his girlfriend of just nine months, Sarah Larson, on Valentine's Day. Cliché!

Granted, the reality TV star turned cocktail waitress is the only woman Clooney's ever taken as a date to the Oscars, bar his mother. So it must be relatively serious. But the New Idea is sticking its neck out and declaring George and Sarah will tie the knot at his Lake Como villa over the northern summer.

Apparently his gardeners at the Italian villas are doing the lawns, so a wedding must be on the way. Or the lawns just needed mowing.

You knew it was coming, just like the rumours bouncing around a few weeks ago that Jennifer Aniston was hooking up with hottie Aaron Eckhart on the set of their movie Travelling. Nothing came of those, and now she's filming Marley and Me with Owen Wilson in Miami.

While some sources have the Butterscotch Stallion reunited with old flame Kate Hudson, Woman's Day claims Jen and Owen are enjoying a ‘whirlwind' romance.

Look for the rumours of this dalliance to peter out as quickly as they began. Jennifer is wealthy, single and good looking - she's going to be linked with every man and his dog. Literally, since Marley and Me is about a man and his Labrador. The pair are playing husband and wife, so of course there's plenty of pictures of them looking pally on set.

Apparently the duo have plenty to work with, including a love of yoga and Jen's known fondness for funnymen. Just don't go buying your hat for the wedding just yet.

In Cruise news (see what I did there?) Katie Holmes is ‘mortified' that Tom Cruise has been caught giving two separate women affectionate pecks on camera. But forget that. Much smuttier is the rumour that's resurfaced that Katie was one of many starlets ‘auditioned' for the role of Tom's young, beautiful wife.

Now I don't want the Scientologist powers that be on my ass, so we'll be brief. And make liberal use of the word ‘allegedly'. Let's just say it's not the first time I've heard that a couple of years ago Team Tom-Tom was making enquiries as to Hollywood's young, beautiful starlets for possible romance with a view to marriage. Actresses were asked to come and audition for "a non-existent movie.' Allegedly.

"They went for Jennifer Garner, Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Alba, in that order," says former Scientologist Marc Headley in the Day. "Jennifer and Jessica didn't bite, but Scarlett took the bait and came in for an audition. When she arrived at the audition address and found out it was the Scientology Centre, she freaked out and didn't do a tape."

‘Scores' of other actresses were considered before Ms Holmes, if said source is to be believed. Katie! Being fourth choice is bad enough, but being that far down the list? Allegedly allegedly.

 I'm beyond shocked at the news that Britney Spears and her creepy paparazzi lover Adnan Gahlib have split. Aren't you? I mean, they seemed so stable and normal. He totally wasn't exploiting her, and she's in a place where she can commit to another serious relationship.

Ugh! Hopefully Britney's on the mend now she's seen the light and dumped that turd. Never trust a guy with landing strip, that's my motto. What's surprising is that Brit dumped Adnan after finding dirty texts on his mobile from someone who wasn't her.

Adnan, you were cruising along nicely on Britney's gravy train and blew it for yourself! If you'd kept your busy hands to yourself you could have been raking it in - Golddigger 101. But Adnan has a plan! (My rhyming's on fire today). He's been bombarding Brit Brit with love notes such as the gem below.

‘Britney, Babe I really miss you, lots, and lots and lots,. Cant wait til you come home to a milky bowl of soup.'

Um, first, he seems heavy on the commas and light on the apostrophes, and bad grammar is always a black mark against a guy's name in my book. Secondly, a milky bowl of soup? Is that code for something, ‘cause the soups I know come in simple flavours made of vegetables. ‘Milky soup' does not sound like it would entice many people back to much of anything. Unappetising! Cream of douchebag isn't going to get Adnan very far.

NW has snaps of Pink hooks up with a guy called Butch at a Hollywood club - ironic, no? Since he's Butch and she's always being called butch. Apparently man-Butch has ‘spandex-clad loins' which would be enough to send most girls running for the hills, but different strokes for different folks I spose.

Meanwhile, Patrick Swayze is snapped in the back of the Woman's Day after his cancer diagnosis, looking haggard and still smoking! The star is reluctant to give up is three packet a day habit despite having pancreatic cancer.

One person who must certainly shouldn't jump on Hollywood's baby bandwagon is Paris Hilton, although NW is reporting that she's already pregnant to her boyfriend of just three weeks, Benji Madden. Three weeks! Geez, you haven't even been through the menstrual cycle in that time.

The Woman's Weekly reports that Matthew McConaughey's fiancée and babymama to be, Camila Alves, isn't too impressed that Matt wants to call their unborn baby Bud, "after his favourite beer." After his favourite beer? Sounds like our favourite bongo player wants to name that baby after the weed. That opens up a whole realm of possibilities. Bud. Spliff. Wacky tobaccy. Or how about Dude? He says that enough. Dude McConaughey.

"I've only ever had about three boyfriends and [only] a handful of people have seen into the ‘Pharoah's Tomb."

- We can only hope Kate Beckinsale's vajayjay isn't that dark, damp, and dusty.

And that's all from the mags this week!