Elle always claimed that, despite a nine year romance and a lengthy engagement, strict Catholic Arki would not marry her as she was a divorcee. But to rub salt in the wound, Uma's been divorced twice, is considerably younger than Elle, and is a successful actress - while Macpherson's acting career came to a screeching halt. Predictably when everyone realised she sucked.

The pair know each other socially, having been snapped at an event for designer Valentino in Rome earlier this year. Can you imagine if these two ended up in a cat fight? It'd be Quentin Tarantino's wet dream come true.

If it's any consolation, Elle, the ring that Uma's sporting in the Day on that finger is a tacky piece of nastiness. Who's for starting a Facebook group against rings shaped like snakes?

The rumours of the latest duo setting up camp in Splitsville seem to be Gwyneth Paltrow and her rock star husband Chris Martin, gracing the cover of the Woman's Day. These have been circulating for a while, mostly on the premise that the pair haven't been photographed together in donkey's, and Gwyneth's busy making a food show in Spain while Chris attended his uncle's funeral in Scotland.

These two don't usually make the gossip grade, for the reason that there's nothing to talk about. Macrobiotic diets and his and hers yoga mats do not good gossip make. They've never been a publicity hungry pair, so the story of them not being photographed together doesn't really float my boat.

Perfectionist Gwyneth, though, doesn't seem like one to divorce in haste, and odds on we'll be witnessing no Charlie Sheen-Denise Richards style muck emerging in the breakup. Dignified split all round if it happens. Actually, I think I prefer the Charlie and Denise circus.

The Day seemed concerned about Chris. "His lonely figure and unruly hair more closely resembled that of a homeless tramp than a millionaire rock star." Or a rich rock star with unruly hair? Never trust a rock star with a neat haircut, that's my motto. Pete Wentz being a case in point.

Nicole and Joel take the bump on tour this week, snapped in the Woman's Day sunbathing at a Brisbane hotel. I'm almost overcome with jealousy that they're sunbathing up in Queensland and today I had to leave the house wearing a scarf.

She looks awesome, he doesn't really look like he was made for outdoor occasions. More of an indoor pallor. Put forty years on him and he'll be the spit of Grandpa Munster.

It's all idyllic in Joel and Nicole land, right down to their rhyming names - apart from one small blip in the domestic bliss radar. After years of eating issues Nicole is happily chowing down on dog biscuits, a nasty culinary habit that Joel has a bit of an issue with.

Woof!

All Black winger Doug Howlett got himself into a spot of bother in London last week, but he and fiancee Monique are forging ahead with plans to fast track their wedding. Monique's former employers, the Woman's Day chart Dougie's descent from "record-breaking try scorer to drunken hoon."

Before his arrest in London for criminal damage, Doug had been known to come home 'drunk' (the horror!) and been kicked out of an Auckland bar before for misbehaving. The barman, comically, referred to him as the "dickhead with the shaggy black hair."

And now to news of my favourite prince, Naughty Harry, snapped snorting vodka up his nose and sticking wine glasses to his nipples in Namibia. If this is what he gets up to in front of the camera, the mind boggles when they're put away!

Echoing the engagement rumours which have been rampant since Kate Middleton was snapped on a trip to Balmoral over the weekend, the Weekly has snaps of Prince William and his on-again girlfriend after a night out in London. Wonder if they've ever been tempted with vodka up the nasal passages?

The Weekly also gives us too much information on the tactics employed by Jennifer Lopez and her husband, Skeletor, to get the diva pregnant. Call me a priss, but all this talk of Marc Anthony's sperm can't be good. Let alone reading that Jenny was "put on a fertility drug and encouraged to keep Marc busy."

If Jennifer Aniston is in fact going to adopt, I wish she'd put up or shut up. There's another story in the Weekly about her baby dream. Bite the bullet already, Jen, so we don't have to hear any more about your maybe baby.

And as for her mate Oprah, gracing the cover of New Idea again, I'm not even going to go there. I'm on Oprah strike!

More ominous is the news that the man who tried to extort money out of Tom Cruise for stolen wedding photos has ended up dead. David Hans Schmidt wanted over a million dollars from the Cruises for the pics, and apparently had been receiving death threats in the time leading up to his 'suicide.'

Dum dum dum!

As I mentioned a few weeks ago after seeing a ring on that finger in some pap snaps, singer Joe Cotton is engaged. Must have taken a bit of time to drum up interest in the story from the mags.

The Day took the bait and has made the singer play dress up in a variety of wedding dresses, yes, already, and fiancé Daniel has also had to come along for the dress up ride. Joe looks like she's having a whale of a time! Daniel, not so much.

We're not spared any of the details - but me, I love a proposal. Even one over a sack of rubbish and in front of her father. And Joe's one of those girls who's been buying the wedding mags since before she was going out with the guy, so sounds like she'll have plenty of ideas.

Pulling out more stops was the guy no one really knows what he does to make the social pages, Brooke Howard-Smith. In France to do those 'kooky' pieces for the Rugby World Cup, Brooke enlisted the help of his girlfriend Amber's MTV bosses to sneak her to Paris where he popped the question.

The lucky Miss gets to design her own ring and Brooke flew two of her best gal pals over to the UK to help celebrate. Aaaaaaah, the sweetness! Watch out, Brooke. There'll be Kiwi blokes lining up to sort you out - you've put them all to shame!

Celebrity bikini body specials in the NW always make for great reading. There's the ones that are so good that make you depressed, those you think you could reach with just a few more lunges, and those unfortunate angles which make you feel just that little bit smugger.

This week it's bikini bodies after baby - well worth a read even if some of them look better than I do before baby. Geri Halliwell and Gwen Stefani are rocking the muscly bods, while Mel B seems to be looking for the one that got away on her bikini line. Tori Spelling may have a good body (not such a good boob job, but I digress) but it doesn't take away from her fug. Could Tori be the most unfortunate looking actress in Hollywood?

Pictures of Angelina Jolie looking tipsy make the cut in NW this week, with Brad begging her to stop boozing. So she can't eat, but necking the drink is ok? Mind you, she's so skinny one stiff drink would knock her on her bony ass.

In other NW news, Britney flashes her butt, James Blunt gets his hooks into another Hollywood beauty (making us all wonder just how he keeps doing it), and Kate Hudson ditches her boyfriend with the stupid name for a much older billionaire.

Britney Spears feels a kinship with Princess Diana in the New Idea. Nice in theory, although Diana never gave herself a baldie, flashed her fanny at the paps or spent her days smoking Marlboros and eating chicken wings.

She fears she'll also die tragically, as did Diana. Does dressing tragically count?

Never say Victoria Beckham won't suffer for her art. The Spice Girl was snapped trussed up like an avant garde chicken in a Paris park for a photo shoot lately, and New Idea has photos of her haute couture outfits and their inspiration - among them Big Bird, Wilma Flintstone and Cruella de Vil. Never a big fan of the natural look, Victoria is absolutely plastered in makeup - which isn't a surprise if you've ever had a glimpse of her adult acne.

Always the shy type, Victoria happened to prance past the Ritz Hotel in Paris moments before the jurors assigned to the inquest into Princess Diana's death.

Nick Nolte has become a father at the age of 66 with his on-off girlfriend Clytie. Hopefully the name they give their baby daughter doesn't conjure up the same images as her mother's. I hope Labia Nolte was one name ruled out early in the piece.

And that's all from the mags this week!

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