That's right, eager readers, this week the mags are still trying to sell us on The Rumour That Just Won't Die: the Brad and Ange breakup.

It's inescapable. They're plastered all over every mag in the stand! Can those two please just stage some family outings so the paps can get a glimpse of them acting all blissful and leave them alone? Then we can all move on to thinking about more pressing issues, like when Peter and Jordan are going to announce their reunion (and coincidental new TV series). Ahem.

In the meantime, we may as well take a gander at the latest reports. I'll start with the Woman's Weekly version because it's the funniest. According to them, Ange is determined to heal the rift with a lavish wedding. That's right; the couple who have repeatedly stated they won't get married til gay couples everywhere have the same right have suddenly and inexplicably reversed their views. Insert Tui billboard here.

"Angelina Jolie gave Brad Pitt a sensuous kiss at a party to celebrate her 34th birthday and told him with a sexy smile, 'You know how I adore you. Maybe it is time you made an honest woman of me before I get too old.'"

Have the staff at NZWW been overdosing on Mills & Boon? This reads like a tawdry romance novel - or worse yet, online fanfiction. But it gets better! She then adds that Shiloh and Zahara would be "dreamy flowergirls". Dreamy!

Woman's Day is making much of a rumour that the pair are sleeping in separate houses in their gigantic estate, while NW takes it a step further, insisting that Angie locks Brad out of their bedroom every night. And everybody's squealing that she seems to have been overlooked for the latest 'Tomb Raider' instalment in favour of 'younger model' Megan Fox. They'll all have you believe Ange is sitting at home weeping over her crow's feet and planning bizarre cosmetic procedures to turn back the clock.

Puh-lease. First of all, love her or hate her, Angelina Jolie is a gorgeous woman. And she's only in her mid-thirties, for crying out loud. And secondly, I have an idea AJ wouldn't touch yet another Tomb Raider film with a ten-foot pole. It may be the role that made her famous, but methinks she's moved on to bigger and better things.

Right! No more of them. Instead, might I interest you in a story with even less substance to it? Impossible, you say? Not where the tabloids are concerned.

Following the premise that if you repeat it often enough it'll come true eventually, it's time for another round of... Nicole Kidman pregnancy rumours. New Idea's running it, and the Weekly is going as far as to use the headline 'Nicole MUST be pregnant!'

"After seeing these pictures, we have no doubt Nicole Kidman is expecting," they coo. So what are the pics like? One has her in a white smock dress, not even an especially roomy one. Another has her in a shirt that's pouching a little because she's hunched over. And another shows her with her hands on her (flat as a pancake) lower belly - while also wearing casual clothes and looking a bit puffed. She could have got a stitch while jogging. Or gas. But everyone knows the only reason anyone ever touches their stomach is if they're pregnant! Let's see them wriggle out of this one when she doesn't pop a sprog in nine months' time.

From pregnancy watch to royal watch! New Idea's given Kate and Wills the cover spot, promising readers a "WEDDING SHOCK: secret plan uncovered." Inside they're guessing that the prince will propose on Diana's birthday, July 1. Hasn't that rumour been floating round for months? Let me guess - if July 1 rolls around and still no bling, they'll move on to suggesting August 31, the date of Diana's death, as a suitable occasion.

Much more interesting to my mind is news that Harry's moved on to a saucy new sweetheart. While I'll always have a soft spot for his ex Chelsy Davy, wait til you get a load of his latest flame, Caroline Flack. She's the presenter of 'Gladiators' over there, and while she insists she's a good girl, she's already posed in her knickers for a lad's magazine. Even better, she used to work in an abattoir before she broke into television, where her early jobs involved dressing up as a badger and a banana. Awesome! She'd make a fabulous addition to the royal family. I can just see her livening up stuffy dinner parties with tales of slaughtering pork.

Single ladies of New Zealand, step this way! Our latest eligible bachelor is 37 and is seeking a new beginning. He enjoys the music of the Eagles and Sting, and unwinds by playing golf, fishing and riding his horse. Friends and past lovers describe him as a 'lovely guy' who's always making tea for his friends.

Interested? Time to unmask our mystery man: David Bain. It was only a matter of time before the gossip mags got hold of him. Grab a copy of the Weekly for an interview with his previous girlfriend, who stuck with him through much of his time in prison, or New Idea for a talk with the man himself.

What else do the mags have in store for you this week? Everyone's got Jacko's kids unmasked - the two oldest were caught in public without their absurd disguises for a brief moment. Roll up, roll up for a glimpse of the freak show - oh wait, they look like completely normal kids. Then there's the latest on Tom and Katie - he's planning a conversion crusade, she's plotting to up sticks. And for your weekly dose of Hollywood catfight, NW has Paris vs 'The Hills' and Ashlee Simpson vs Michelle Trachtenberg.

And that's all from the mags this week!