Okay, I'll quit it with the Christmas cliches. Fahlalalalalalalala...

Suri is the little girl who has everything, except a visit from Santa Claus this year. Scientology dictates no tree, no presents, and no corny Christmas music for its followers, which just seems to add to its already limited appeal. Instead, Suri gets gifted "a lecture on why Scientology turns its back on the festive season."

Tommy Girl has even banned the uttering of the word ‘Christmas' in his house, and they celebrate the birthday of L. Ron Hubbard instead. Damn! Tom Cruise has some religious issues. If I was Isabella and Conor I would hightail it out of Dad's house come the festive season and hang out with Nicole and Keith. Kidman's Catholic, and if there's one thing we Catholics do well it's being guilted into giving plenty of pressies.

There'll be a distinct lack of Chrimbo cheer for Kate Middleton too, and the Woman's Day runs with Vanillapants looking pale and sad on a London street doing her Christmas shopping. Kate pretty much told the Queen to talk to the hand when she invited Ms Middleton to the royal family's Christmas do last year.

This year she's not getting an invite at all, and won't see Prince William on Christmas Day. But don't shed a tear quite yet, as a luxurious Christmas getaway in Barbados is hardly the stuff that tragedies are made of.

Vince Vaughn makes a surprise appearance in two of the mags this week - New Idea claiming he's back making whoopee with former flame Jennifer Aniston, reporting that there's been interaction of the 'canoodling' kind. But Woman's Day approaches on a different tack, reporting that VV has been getting up close and personal with new co-star Reese Witherspoon after the cameras stop rolling on their new movie. I'd rather Vince Vaughn than Jake Gyllenhaal myself. I know he's got a touch of the carb face, but at least he'd make you laugh. Jake doesn't look like he could crack a funny if he tried.

Joe Cotton declares her intention to lose six kilos in the Woman's Day this week after one photo of her and fiance Daniel prompted friends to ring up and check if she was pregnant. Good luck, Joe. You'll need it. I'll be eating enough scorched almonds and guzzling enough bubbly for the both of us. And don't get me started on the mixed nuts!

Owen Wilson and Woody Harrelson feature in the mags this week, frolicking in Peru and Miami on a boys-only getaway, where, naturally, they did happen to stumble across some ladies. Woman's Day dubbed them 'The Bedding Crashers.' I'll pause for a minute so you can laugh uproariously.

Owen and Woody have not a chest hair between them, a fact that I find relatively disturbing for a couple of old fellas in the midst of middle age. If you're so inclined, the Woman's Weekly has pics of the Butterscotch Stallion after he's been swimming in nought but his undies - and they're almost see through. Not that I noticed.

Jodie Foster has not so much come out as sneaked out of the closet, letting everyone in on one of Hollywood's worst kept secrets when she publicly thanked 'my beautiful Cydney' at an awards ceremony. Jodie and partner Cydney have been together for 14 years, so they're not exactly new kids on the lesbian block.

It's handbags at dusk for two of the movers and shakers on Auckland's rather lacklustre social scene. Gossip columnist Bridget Saunders filed for a restraining order against Z-lister Aja Rock and her boyfriend after a fracas during New Zealand Fashion Week, where Saunders ended up wearing two glasses of wine. The pair have reached a settlement where Aja can't come within seven metres of Bridget at any social function. She hasn't thrown any wine on me, but can I get one of those? Heads up, Santa.

More interesting is Bridget's assertion that she's not always reported all the goss she had on Miz Rock, saying she "didn't have the heart" to report some of her partying antics.

The smut peddler in me wants to believe the Day's salacious front cover spot, implying that Terri Irwin's in love with the Crocodile Hunter's best friend. Sadly, the story inside is boringly platonic. Close bond, support, blah di blah. Get back to us when there's some real dirt.

I love it when the time rolls around for NW's bikini bodies issues, and this one pits skinny against curvy in battle of the celebrity bods.

Ghost Whisperer actress Jennifer Love Hewitt is there, firing back at critics after some not so kind comments surfaced after she was snapped flashing the flesh in Hawaii. "A size 2 (Aussie size 6) is not fat. Nor will it ever be. Being a size 0 doesn't make you beautiful."

She's right, a size 6 is by no means fat, and I applaud her for loving her body. She's not fat either. But tell me she's not attempting to tell the girls of the world that she's a size six herself? Puh-lease! If you're going to stand up for girls and their bods, at least admit to your real size.

The Van Dyk ladies are looking festive in the Weekly this week, and have good reason to celebrate with the arrival of Irene's mum from South Africa for Chrissie. They've donned red and white and, looking Christmassy, but I hope Christie doesn't get left out of all the merriment. More Christie in 2008, please.

If the NW's to be believed, the Hef himself has extended the branch of semi-nudity to the Spice Girls, offering them $2.3 million each to pose semi-nude for his magazine.

"It would be an artistic layout," says a source. "Nothing vulgar or obscene."

Hello! Posh's boobs will be there, won't they?

And that's all from the mags this week!