Presto, change-o! NW reports Nicole Richie is already making plans to cast off her baby body. Nicole looks gorgeous pregnant and seemed to have no trouble snapping back into shape after the birth of 17-month-old Harlow, but as celebs are wont to do, she's not happy with her slightly fuller figure.

The mag has snaps of the star leaving the office of a Los Angeles plastic surgeon. On the table for the tiny celeb? A ‘mommy tuck' - a tummy tuck and a boob job combo - popular with new celebrity mothers. Rumoured to have partaken? Angelina Jolie, Britney Spears and Victoria Beckham. Rumoured, I said. I mean these are celebrity women, they could just as easy have snapped back into shape with a click of the fingers.

Joel Madden likes his girls petite, apparently. Which she totally is. But der, she's pregnant! I'm sure he'll make an exception, given that she's carrying his second child.

"Everyone is telling her she doesn't need it and that she looks absolutely radiant, but Nicole is plagued by insecurities about her fleshy new figure."

Swoon! The Weekly's running admittedly rather blurry shots of Johnny Depp, missus Vanessa Paradis and the kidlets, Lily Rose and Jack, all at sea on his 156ft yacht. They're living on the vessel, the VaJoLiRoJa (an amalgam of all their names) while he's filming new flick The Rum Diaries in Puerto Rico.

Johnny is one of a handful of stars who I reckon really, truly deserves the fortune he's made, and he's used it to buy his own boat - plus a private island in the Bahamas, thank you very much.

He makes smart choices, he's not a total fame whore, and he's gorgeous to boot!

And as befits the man who played Captain Jack Sparrow, life on the sea suits Johnny just fine.

"When he's back home on the boat, he's totally laid-back. He takes his shirt off, plays some games and drinks a toast to the love of his life."

What a guy!

The Weekly delves into the charmed life of Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen. Not only does she have legs up to her ears and the best boobs in the biz, she's married to an American football hero (I don't fancy, but many of you have been known to swoon), although there's not much you wouldn't know in the article.

Dated Leo and Kelly. Stepped on some toes with comments over stepson. Discovered in a Sao Paolo McDonalds. Has five sisters. Unknown if they're all as hot as her, but we could hazard a guess.

I guess yes.

Gisele is literally everywhere in Brazil. When I was there you couldn't move for department store promos, buses, and billboards with her mug and fab body plastered all over them. Rio could just as well be Giseletown.

The model turned businesswoman also owns a hotel in Southern Brazil and designs jandals for a Brazilian company.

"The line is now so poplar, it has surpassed the trendy Havaianas brand," claims the mag.

In Brazil? Really? Even the kids in the favelas rock the Havaianas. But they'll never win a place in my heart. No wily supermodel can part me from my beloved Havaianas.

Plus, her Ipanema sandals are rather ugly.

Sigh! I miss jandal weather.

Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of Brad, Angelina, and Jennifer's lives. I will try and make it brief-ish again, but there's a lot to wade through. Will this Jolie-Pitt-Aniston madness ever end?

The pictures of Ms Aniston looking well smug the Woman's Day's used to trumpet ‘It's True! Brad Wants Me Back!' are taken from the New York set of The Baster a couple of weeks ago. Filming scenes with Jeff Goldblum. May 14. Is she just acting, or is that an expression of unadulterated delight on her face?

Word is Brad's been turning on the charm.

"He got so swept up with Ange and has no idea what happened, and he hardly recognizes his life now. He tells her he regrets leaving and whispers to her that he will always love her."

Don't do it, missus. You can't take him back now after all that humiliation. And six kids to babysit? Sod that for a laugh!

"Jen reminds him of a simpler life. She'd take him back in a second - and hopes she'll get the chance."

New Idea runs with the celebrity world's most famous couple as well, their angle being that the pair's lovey dovey display in Cannes was just an act.

Brad wanted Ange on the red carpet to pimp his latest flick. She reminded him that she was doing him a favour, seeing as "how much she hates red-carpet events and spending time with his friends - especially Quentin Tarantino, who she can't stand."

Ouch.

NW echoes the ‘They're Faking!' angle, but also runs an interview with an anonymous ex-classmate of Angie's from high school. So yes, the whole thing could very well be made up - but these are the gossip mags, people. The proportion of fact to fiction is all out of whack by definition.

Word is the star was into witchcraft and ‘cutting herself', dressed constantly in black and that "most kids in the class never noticed her, or preferred not to notice her."

"I thought the rosy scenario for her would be not ending up in a mental institution," says the mag's source.

Bet it ripped her knickers when she ended up famous, gorgeous, and romancing Brad Pitt then, huh?

"I could understand when she was going out with Billy Bob Thornton...And carrying a vial of each other's blood and this crazy witch shit. But when I heard about her hook up with Brad, I couldn't believe my ears."

High school bitches. Don't you love them?

Mine eyes burneth! The Woman's Day is running a naked shot of a pregnant Rebecca Loos within its pages, recreating Demi Moore's iconic pose for Vanity Fair from the early nineties. She looks good, but Demi she is not.

Yes, Rebecca Loos. Yes, she did find someone to impregnate her, and now lives in Oslo with her Norwegian doctor boyfriend. Her son is due in mid-July.

With her trademark frankness, Loos opens up on discovering she was pregnant to the mag. "Oh, I was mortified. I just couldn't believe it. It was very, very very bad timing because a few days before my sister had announced she was pregnant with her first child. She's happily married and had been trying, so it was her moment. Then, of course, along comes typical scandalous sister!"

Let's just hope little Loos never asks mummy about the time gave a pig a handjob on TV.

News of Mel Gibson's eighth baby makes the rags, with his announcement on US TV that he is to be ‘OctoMel.' Just me, or does that kind of announcement give you the willies? And he's a hard line orthodox Catholic who doesn't want to get divorced, but doesn't mind getting his Russian piece pregnant?

Pah! I smell a hypocrite! It's a combination of sour Communion wine and strong aftershave.

His other seven children are pretty steamed with their movie star father and his treatment of their mother. Apparently twin sons Edward and Christian are so worried about potential inheritance they've taken legal advice.

Consideration doesn't seem to be his forte for his long-suffering ex. They may have been separated for a while, but do you think Robyn Gibson appreciates her husband joking about their divorce on TV?

"When all's said and done, I did a pretty good hatchet job on my marriage....We were married 28 years, which in Hollywood is about 450 years, I think."

Could be slightly touchy on this one, but if that was my father I'd be rather dark with him as well I think.

The royal corgis are to be no more! Sad news in the Weekly proclaims the Queen will no longer breed more of her beloved canines when her current crop expires. The dogs get their own stockings at Christmas - okay, not uncommon. They eat people food. Okay, also not uncommon for dog lovers. Her Maj has been breeding the dogs for 65 years, and she even de-fleas them herself! What a trooper.

"When royal photographer Norman Parkinson once asked the Queen how corgis and dachshunds were able to mate, given their different heights, she replied "It's very simple. We have a little brick."

Hee.

‘Tom's Panic as Katie Shines!' shouts the Weekly on its cover. On June 17 they will celebrate the fourth anniversary of when Tom proposed to Katie, and apparently Mrs Cruise is now in the driver's seat of their relationship, leaving Tom as a nervy passenger. The anniversary of the Cruise proposal is also my birthday, people, so you very well know what I expect you to be celebrating if you have to choose between the two.

The always classy Robin Wright Penn took her husband's recent divorce filing all in her stride if the Weekly is to be believed. He's retracted the petition, telling reporters "It was an arrogant mistake."

She, as one of the judges at the Cannes Film Festival, simply told pals "I love Sean. But sometimes he's impossible."

"He has to stop making her cry," says a friend of the couple. "Robin's heart bruises easily and he has to stop being this caveman-cum-genius who think's he's above being nice. Just because you have two Oscars, that doesn't give you the right to be horrible to people."

I love those two together! Sean, please buck up ideas and be lovely to gorgeous wife. That is all.

Tobey Maguire is snapped in the Day taking his own popcorn to the movies. Mariah Carey took 15 staff along for her recent trip to Cannes, including one whose sole responsibility it was to ‘monitor her cleavage.' Goldie Hawn's reportedly mortified at the news that daughter Kate Hudson is dating Alex Rodriguez, while Pink and Carey Hart are in talks to have a baby. And Colin Farrell's gearing up to be the best man when his brother Eamonn marries his partner Steven. Ah, love!

And in the week the country's favourite Westie drama returns to our screens, NI has a quiz: Which Outrageous Fortune character are you? I am a Cheryl, apparently. Bossy, passionate, and difficult.

Okay, touché.

And that's all from the mags this week!

 

SUBSCRIBE TO MY TWITTER FEED HERE