This week it's all rather dire on the gossip front. Sigh. It's like the box of chocolates with only the vanilla, crème de menthe and orange fillings left. Someone even asked for a recipe for some hospital food. Hospital food! The cuisine the entire human race is united in its hatred for.

First up, Brad and Angie. Let's get them out of the way, hey? Although they grace the cover of the Day, let's keep it brief. It's the same old tat with these two. The mags boast pics from their red carpet outing in Cannes for Brad's new Tarantino movie Inglourious Basterds, which I was really looking forward to but has garnered mostly shite reviews. And I hate spelling it wrong. Perhaps the bad spelling is what jinxed the movie?

I still think Angelina's dress is awesome, and while only a blush-slash-nude sort of shade at least she's getting some colour into her wardrobe.

NW reports Brad has a drinking problem. "He'll sit and have a six pack in one sitting, easily. No food, just beer."

Erk. Does that constitute heavy drinking? I'd better inform all my friends.

Also sourced from Ian Halperin in the NW - that Brad's in rehab for boozing. A rather tolerant rehab, obviously, that lets you naff off to Cannes and drink Heineken and vodka Red Bulls at parties. Take with a large grain - scrub that, a bag - of salt.

Weekly says Angie hurried to Cannes from New York set of Salt to be by her man's side at the film festival. Doesn't seem like a hurry, since she stopped off on the way in The Netherlands to watch the trial of a Congolese warlord for using child soldiers.

NW runs with rumours that Aniston has a new Brad - He's Just Not That Into You co-star Bradley Cooper who, incidentally, also has an ex-wife called Jennifer. Actress Jennifer Esposito.

The Chosen One turns three this Wednesday, and the Weekly reports Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt has caught the showbiz bug. She loves to work it to the Wiggles and put on performances for her brothers and sisters. Let's face it, she's got the genes. But she's barely out of Pull-Ups, so maybe we should give her a bit of breathing room.

See pics of Britney Spears' fab bikini bod in a couple of the mags, along with the regurgitated rumours of her dating her agent, Jason Trawick. He's snapped splashing around with her in the Caribbean. Believe them if you will. Britney looks awesome, but she is spending over $11k a month on her diet and exercise regime, so you would hope so.

The singer's spendthrift ways rate a mention in the New Idea - word is she spends more than a million New Zealand dollars a month. Last year six million in legal fees went to 17 lawyers, $281k to her dad Jamie, and three quarters of a million a year on security.

"As long as the credit card isn't declined and Jamie gives her the cash she needs to buy things, Britney doesn't seem to pay any attention to where her money's going. I don't think she has any real idea how much she has or where her money's going - or how quickly it's going," says a pal of the singer.

It cost Brit Brit ten thousand dollars to get her Christmas lights taken down. If her dad is supposed to be in charge of expenditure you'd think he'd be trying to make sure she didn't get on the road to the poorhouse, no?

Roll up, Victorians! The Tom and Katie circus making its way to Melbourne, or so says the Woman's Day. She's prepping to film supernatural thriller Don't Be Afraid of the Dark with Guillermo del Toro, who's been based in Wellington for the past eight months while prepping to make The Hobbit.

Katie's well prepped for this genre. Her entire life has a touch of the horror movie about it.

The couple is planning to rent in Kew or Toorak, reports the Day. Tom is a well-seasoned visitor to Australia but more familiar with the Sydney cityscape, which Nicole Kidman's family calls home. I wouldn't bank on seeing him down the St Kilda bowls club, although I'm sure there'll be shots of him, heavy on the faux enthusiasm, at an AFL game or two.

Tom Cruise, I love Melbourne. Please don't infect it with your large-toothed brand of creepy.

New Idea take another angle, leading with Mrs Cruise and the story that she expects things to be different chez Cruise when she gets back from filming her new movie in Oz. They say she's going alone. Somebody's wrong.

The mag says Katie is starting to long for her single, carefree days, and is beginning to contemplate that life as wife of an ageing superstar isn't quite the lark she imagined it to be.

They say she dated Madonna's business partner/pal Guy Oseary, which I have never heard. Apparently, neither has anyone else, and the pic of them they're running is from a UNICEF benefit organized by Madonna last year when Katie was very much Mrs Cruise.

And she's waaay better off without that greasy douchebag Chris Klein.

Both the NW and the Weekly report the super-sweet news that Suri Cruise is crushing on Cruz Beckham! How cuuuuute! I bet Tom Cruise would love to spend all those family occasions with Becks around.

Mind you, how could you not love Cruz? At the age of four he already has all the moves. Although I think Romeo is my favourite of the Beckham brothers.

Pics of Jessica Simpson which ran last week in the Kiwi mags rocking the very brief hot pants at Sea World in Texas have prompted NW to lead this week with Jessica Simpson's news: ‘I'm Not Fat...I'm Pregnant!'

They've also prompted a prominent Hollywood stylist to quip "What's up with the boho-streetwalker look? Jessica needs to take a cue from fellow blonde bombshell Marilyn Monroe, who was not a size two ands always looked amazing."

Reportedly Jess has been desperate to pin down footballer boyfriend Tony Romo since they hooked up, particularly since the birth of her sister Ashlee's son Bronx last November.

Apparently he's not thrilled, but she doesn't seem to care. "She's dreamed about being a mum for so long and now it's happening. She's not going to let Tony or his family stand in her way."

Yikes! Does not sounds like a recipe for success.

Is Sienna Miller getting her claws into Dominic Cooper? Already? We were only debating last week who'd be a suitable love interest for the girl who loves sinking her claws into attached men, and the NW's come up with a contender.

Last year Cooper left his girlfriend of 12 years for his Mamma Mia! co-star, the gorgeous Amanda Seyfried, and now he's been snapped out with Sienna in London's Soho in the wee small hours. Of course, it could be completely innocent. But let's face it, the girl's got form.

Those Lindsay Lohan pregnancy rumours also feature, which were reported here a couple of weeks ago.

But the NW also reports that the star may be ‘suffering from multiple personality disorder.' When she's in an up, confident mood, she insists people call her ‘Marilyn.' When she's out to paint the town red, pals have refer to her as ‘Eleanor.' And she keeps a diary as Dakota. No word on when she's actually Lindsay.

Gok Wan was in New Zealand last week and the Day speaks to him about fashion, growing up gay, and one particular TV weatherman. At least you can't accuse him of being backward about coming forward in his adoration of our Tamati.

"I know all about him. I know his shoe size, I've researched him and we're getting married! Do you want to come to the wedding?"

If it ever makes it out of your mind, Gok, I totally do.

Also in the Day you'll see New Zealand's Next Top Model's own shy and retiring wallflower, Colin Mathura-Jeffree. The experienced model and reality TV show judge once commissioned a doll to be made in his likeness, and you can see it (although small) in the mag.

"No-one can tell me I am a one-look wonder. You look at my body of work and there is an incredible diversity - I look Spanish, Indian, Egyptian. I look like a gang member and a nude slave boy!"

How versatile.

Additionally, the mag lets us know recently ejected NZNTM contestant Victoria has moved to Auckland and is the ‘new celebrity ambassador' for KONO mussels.

Madonna and Brazilian toyboy Jesus Luz and their plans to have a Kabbalah-style commitment ceremony makes a couple of the mags, together with pics of the couple clad in their all-white Kabbalah getup.

Is this thing still reeking of a publicity stunt to anyone else?

"She believes he's wise beyond his years and is her soulmate because his ‘spiritual age' is 34, while her own is just 36."

Oooh, do I sense a celebrity offspring scrap in the works? It could very well be Paris vs Peaches, after Little Miss Geldof called Hilton a ‘thick transvestite' in the press.

Rather insulting to the tranny community, no?

Victoria Beckham contemplating running next year's London Marathon, for which she may actually have to consume some carbohydrates. NW reckons that not only are Slumdog co-stars Freida Pinto and Dev Patel together, they're about to get married! And the NW boasts childhood photos of Hollywood's hottest vampire du jour, Rob Pattinson, who reveals a cross-dressing past amidst photo of his on a child leash and sporting a blond mullet. Bless!

His sisters used to dress him up as a girl and introduce him as ‘Claudia.'

And that's all from the mags this week.

 

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