Things have got so bad for Lindsay that her ex-boyfriend Harry Morton is denying they ever went out, despite talk of an engagement ring and a very public joint appearance at the Venice Film Festival several years ago.

"I'd like to be known for stuff I've created or things I've done. I don't want to be known for that. No way."

Owning a chain of restaurants called Pink Taco isn't slightly embarrassing? Apparently not.

Being associated with his ex-girlfriend "is the worst thing of all time," says Morton. Ouch!

If that's not enough, ex Samantha Ronson's family are known to despise Lindsay and regard her as ‘poisonous'. Details in the NW. Specifically Sam's mother Ann and twin sister Charlotte are determined to keep the DJ away from reuniting with the erratic actress.

"Sam's family will literally lose all respect for her if she goes back to her ex. Sam knows in her head life is better without Lindsay, even in her heart sometimes says otherwise.

The Lindsanity!

Logically, Lohan's next step was to throw down an ultimatum to her ex: your family or me.

And there's no love lost between other members of their respective clans. Sam's mother Ann Dexter-Jones reportedly laid the smack down in a recent phone convo and told Dina Lohan she was a ‘terrible' mother. Shazam!

"Ann made it clear to Dina that Lindsay needs rehab and professional help. She said she didn't want to see any of the Lohans ever again."

No doubt Dina Lohan will find a way to blame the media and the public for that particular sting.

Also find in the mag a photo of Lindsay crouched, Gollum-style, by a rock pool on a recent holiday in Hawaii.

All together now: My precioussssssssssssssssssss!

Occupied, says Woman's Day about the status of Katie Holmes' uterus.

Well, the headline ‘Baby News: Twins for Katie' may seem to confirm the news, the actual story isn't that at all. Do you feel a bit diddled?

The gruesome twosome has apparently ‘met with fertility experts in LA'. Since she was pregnant three months after they started going out, odds are their visit won't be because of problems with conception. Tom Cruise, for one, would like you all to think that he has super sperm.

And don't any of you baby brigade get on your high horses about that either. I am generalising.

Apparently the couple has merely been ‘expressing their wish to conceive twins through in-vitro fertilisation.'

"She wouldn't mind having two more kids with Tom, but isn't looking forward to two more pregnancies, so twins is the perfect solution. Plus, Tom loves the idea of twins."

Course he does. An ‘anything-Brad Pitt-can-do-I-can-do-better' sort of thing.

Word is they've been trying to conceive since Katie finished her run on Broadway in January (ack! Mental image!) but have had no luck so far.

Katie's sister's husband died suddenly a couple of months ago, which apparently has given the Robo-bride a renewed approach to making the most out of life.

"She decided to give him as many babies as he wants and not wait. She now believes the most important thing in life is making your loved one's dreams come true - and Tom's is a house full of kids."

Granted, they do make beautiful kids. I rank Tom and Katie right down there with custard-based puddings, Mariah Carey music and watching Two and a Half Men, but I do love me some Suri Cruise.

What troubles me is Katie's plans to ‘stay home and focus on a fashion career' while she's pregnant. What makes these girls think just because they can wear clothes they're automatically able to make some that other people would want to wear?

The two self-designed outfits I've seen Katie Holmes in over the past couple of years have been H for horrid.

NW seconds the baby talk, with the story ‘Katie: Pregnant and trapped.'

"Any happiness she might have felt has been muted by her overbearing husband Tom Cruise," the mag reports rather ominously, saying Cruise is controlling her as she carries his unborn child.

The mag reports Tom has banned his wife's girlfriends whom he considers bad influence. Victoria Beckham and Eva Longoria are outta there, as he thinks they have ‘too much freedom.'

Erk! What is he, her jailer?

"He feels they are too headstrong, they encourage Katie to answer back, they make her think and they challenge him...so they are both out!"

Chills.

See pics of Seal and Heidi Klum's delightfully over the top white trash wedding in the Day. Normally the pair would renew their vows annually at their palatial holiday pad in Mexico, but a little thing called the swine flu put paid to that.

No matter! The family stayed put in Malibu for a trash-tastic wedding ceremony. Heidi accessorized her growing baby bump with an all in one lace jumpsuit and cornrows! Seal sports a large mullet! The cake was fashioned in the shape of a trailer!

I so hope the wedding feast was KFC.

A couple of mags run pics of Jessica Simpson this week, and the Day reports the singer ‘put on her best impression of a pregnant woman by flaunting her bulging belly at a live concert just several days ago.'

Said show was at Sea World in Texas. Insert your crack about whales here.

Rachel Hunter's wedding plans are progressing, but the Glenfield girl is having problems picking bridesmaid's dresses. "It's going to be something very chic, I feel," she says of her nuptials, rumoured to be taking place in August.

Anyone else sense Rachel for the Warehouse bridal couture coming next? Move over, Vera Wang!

Of course this week there's the Peter and Jordan stuff, including a garish timeline of their romance in pictures in the Day and the photos of Jordan, the orange phenomenon, in a Bristol nightclub - supposedly the pics which pushed Peter over the edge. I'd say she's falling out of her top, but you can't fall out of something you're not really wearing in the first place.

It never fails to amaze me how truly orange she is. Forget Tangerine Dream, more like a Tangerine Nightmare. Nightmare on Tangerine Street!

Even Jordan's eyelids want to give up the ghost in the nightclub pics. They haven't the strength to struggle against the fake tan, the spidery fake lashes and the green eyeshadow. They want to keep some kind of dignity, dammit!

Word is Peter's visited divorce lawyers twice in the last ten months, and when you read on you'll get a good idea why.

The pair have a British reality show where they hurl insults at each other for most of the running time, in between Jordan describing Peter's willy. Weird, since now reports have come out that they haven't done the business for two years.

She called him ‘ an old singer no one knows about.' He called her a ‘stupid, arrogant cow' and a psycho. The New Idea calls her a ‘troll model.'

In the Weekly they report that pals of the couple say "she never lets him finish a sentence, pulls rank, denies him sex and taunts him that she's the breadwinner."

I'm surprised Peter stayed as long as he did.

I'll ignore what's written about the Brange this week, as they're due in Cannes to pimp the new Tarantino flick which Brad stars in and by Friday you would have seen so many pictures of them that there'll truly be no escape.

NW reports that while the Beckham marriage may be on the rocks, Victoria is not going down without a fight. She looks like a surly Postman Pat in the accompanying pics.

"Vic know it's an uphill struggle this time, but she'll never let David go. It's not just because she loves him - she loves their life too. She's not about to give up everything she has worked for without a fight."

She's reportedly house hunting for a pad in Milan. Can't he do that, since he lives there?

Meanwhile, everyone's favourite motormouth Lily Allen kicks our skinny Spice Girl while she'd down. "Everyone knows Victoria is a monster. I'd rather shoot myself between the eyes than be a WAG."

If you'd like some light relief, read the Day's account of a ‘Lookalike nightmare - It's Tough Being Posh,' about a Victoria Beckham impersonator. Yes, I can imagine. Since it's stretch that this girl actually looks like any woman, let alone that one!

People in her hometown must think she does, though, because they've given her abuse! They call her the ‘ImPoshter.'

Hee.

Some fool pays her $1300 for a couple of hours of work imitating Victoria, a well-paid endeavour for which she gave up her career as a ‘freestyle podium dancer.'

She even has Victoria's latest hairstyle in wig form and a copy of her wedding ring. Pity her knock-off of Beckham's fancy ass dress looks like it was pulled out of a supermarket skip.

Curves are back, reports the NW. Kate Moss has a belly! Hilary Duff says ‘eating should be fun!'

Kate Hudson is ‘okay with being big' - except that she's tiny. Don't you hate those girls the size of a whippet that go on about being built like a butterball so everyone will tell them how thin they are? I do. Boo, you whores!

NZ's Next Top Model's latest evictee Teryl-Leigh is in the Day having returned from Los Angeles to her Otara home, and happy to be reunited with her sons, Zion (4) and Venice (1).

I liked Teryl-Leigh. Now who will I cheer for? Suspect I will switch my allegiances to Ruby - especially after they wrapped the tape measure round her ass on Friday and told her to shift three inches. Can only imagine what the agent would have done if they'd tape measured my backside. Possibly have combusted.

Teryl-Leigh narrowly avoided bankruptcy earlier this year, but has bounced back and is contemplating becoming a lawyer.

Is Kevin Federline really spending almost three grand a month on fast food? His belly in the NW says yes! And Cher steps back into one of her most saucy costumes and looks as good as she did 17 years ago, although her belly button looks freakishly high.

Heidi and Spencer are already plotting to sell all the pics of their first born - before it's conceived - in an attempt to stay relevant. Also one who only seems to stay in the headlines through pregnancy is Ashlee Simpson-Wentz, reportedly knocked up again just six months after giving birth to son Bronx. Bronx! Worst. Celeb. Baby. Name. Ever. Every time I type it, an angel cries.

And that's all from the mags this week!

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