The big news of the celebrity world this week is the end of the romance between Britain's two most famous publicity whores, Katie Price and Peter Andre. I say publicity whores with love, but they are completely and utterly shameless.

Pause a moment and think of the the large stash of fake tan they will eventually squabble for custody of.

The two have played out their entire relationship in front of the cameras and in the pages of semi-glossy UK rags. I've read more of Katie's descriptions of Peter's bits and pieces than is healthy.

Plastic surgery, cancer, renewing their vows, childbirth, their ever eventful sex life - nothing was off limits with those two.

"Peter Andre and Katie Price are separating after four-and-a-half years of marriage," said a spokesman for the Andres.

"They have both requested that the media respect their family's privacy at this difficult time."

First!

I don't think there's a shred of privacy left to respect when I've read the details about Katie's yearning for vaginal rejuvenation surgery.

Second!

I think Katie must have done the sums when putting that statement together. The Andres married in a fabulously tacky ceremony in September 2005 - meaning they've been married for not quite four years. Not four-and-a-half.

Just a few weeks ago the couple ran the London Marathon together, they'd just renewed their wedding vows in South Africa, and Katie was talking of having a fourth child in the near future.

But then, it is the world of celebrity.

Word is filtering through now that is was Andre who did the dumping. Peter, whose rather laughable pop career was given an undoubted shot in the arm when he hooked up with the former glamour model on the set of I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here in 2004, is said to constantly be ‘working on new material.'

For our sakes, I hope not.

This seems to consist of following his wife around while she belittles him and an ITV film crew records it all for the couple's reality show. The pair's bickering and flinging of insults is legendary.

And after this long, seems like Peter's had enough. Or has he?

British bookmakers are offering odds of 2-1 that the pair will be reunited by the end of the year, and 6-1 that they'll be back on the cover of OK! reuniting their vows in an exclusive (and pricey) magazine spread before January 2010.

It must be hard to stay relevant when you've done almost everything in your life in front of the cameras. So what's a bit of marital disharmony between friends if it gets you back in the papers for a whole new reason?

If it is a publicity stunt, which many (including me) believe it might be, it's working.

Katie Price issued this statement yesterday.

‘Pete is the love of my life and my life.

We have children together and I am devastated and disappointed by his decision to separate and divorce me, as I married him for life. I will always love my Pete.'

Reports out of the UK now say she's taken two of the couple's children, Junior, three, and Princess, two, and fled the country.

Price left her seven-year-old disabled son, Harvey, at their Sussex home in the care of a nanny.

Harvey! Nooooo! He's the star of that family for sure.

I'll attach an oldie but a goodie, a snippet from a reality show where Harvey tells Peter what many people have probably wanted to.

Watch it here

I wrote a blog on Jordan a while back about why, in her own fake breasted, chavvy way, she can be begrudgingly respected. Read it here.

 

Hello Kitty handbags at dawn!

If you're keen for a laugh, read on. Mr Mariah Carey, aka Nick Cannon, took major offence recently at the mention of his wife in the lyrics of her ex Eminem's new song.

The lyrics in question?

Mariah whatever happened to us / What did we ever have to break up? / Nick Cannon, you better back the f**k up / I'm not playin', I want her back you punk...but I wish you luck with that...whore.

Them's fighting words!

In response, Cannon took to his blog.

"(He is) still obsessed with my wife, the same female that wouldn't let him get to second base from 8 years ago. Man to man, let's meet up and deal with this like adults. This is my invitation to you, whenever and wherever you like sir. So when you come out of your introverted hiding place and ask your bodyguards if you can go out and play by yourself, I'm here Pimp!

This so-called man has just disrespected and slanderised one of the world's most significantly influential artists, one of the most notable BLACK females of our time, the incredibly cherished, globally loved and world-embraced woman of colour, Mariah Carey.

So, Miss Marshall, I'm going to make you wish you never spoke my name and regret the ungodly things you said about my wife. Your legacy has now been tainted from this day forth! You will now be known as the rapper who lost to corny-ass Nick Cannon!"

Puh-lease! I would love to see these two fight it out. Mariah's man-size lap dog against a puffed up rapper. Eminem would have to be careful of his facelift, while I bet Nick scratches.

It is my birthday soon. Please God! Let this undignified melee happen. In front of the cameras to boot!

For the record, Eminem says he dated Mariah for seven months. She says they saw each other socially three, maybe four times. Somebody's telling porky pies!

I suspect Mimi. He was her shamef**k. Like when Britney Spears denied ever seeing Fred Durst.

Eminem or Fred Durst? That's a rather horrid choice I'm pleased I'll never have to make.

Dirty filthy rumours!

Rumours of Lindsay Lohan being seven weeks pregnant emerged earlier this week from the gossip blog of Ian Halperin.

Impossible! I hear you say. She's a lesbian! She's all cut up about the end of her romance with Samantha, and she hasn't been near a penis!

How could this be?

I hate to break it to you, but there's no such thing as the Easter Bunny either.

Halperin reports that the star has been back on the male merry-go-round since her much-publicised bust-up.

I'd be surprised if her ovaries were at work, being that thin, but stranger things have happened. I mean, Arnold Scwarzenegger is the governor of California.

So I delved further into the mire of ianundercover, which is dark and rather hard to navigate. His gossip is outlandish, and totally libellous. He seems completely obsessed with besmirching the reputation of Angelina Jolie, and rather unhinged about the whole business. I like it!

Amongst the rumours he's spreading: secret superstar impregnations, celebs in the closet, murmurings of incest and one rather strange one that Angie is plotting to run for President of the United States in 2016.

You can bet your arse she inhaled.

Annoying defamation laws prevent me from bringing you the particularly lewd ones, but click on his site for more. If you can navigate. It's rather haphazard.

So who is Ian Halperin? He's the author of several unauthorized celebrity autobiographies and the maker of a warts-and-all documentary His Highness Hollywood, in which he posed undercover as a gay up and coming actor in Tinseltown.

I haven't seen, neither do I intend to, but apparently ‘he infiltrates the Church of Scientology who promise him a cure for his homosexuality.'

He also spread a rumour last year that Michael Jackson was in desperate need of a lung transplant. A couple of days later, he announced this year's 50 shows he's set to be performing in London.

So take his word with a rather large handful of salt.

 

One not-so-blind vice

One of my favourite celeb sites is Blind Gossip (www.blindgossip.com), a site which compiles blind items from hither and yon around the gossip world and puts them in one handy place where gossip hounds can speculate to their hearts' content as to the identities of the guilty.

I am completely useless at guessing them, but every so often one crops up so obvious that even Stevie Wonder himself could see it.

Running today on the site is the following:
"She has finally pulled the chip out of her head and is shedding her controlling hubby! And, boy, is he mad! Her attorneys are working on a "Dissolution of Contract," not a "Dissolution of Marriage" - yet. That's the next step. She will be asking for sole custody of the kid/s. She is not currently pregnant.

Her attorneys - especially one who worked with her predecessor - have been able to work around most of the restrictions in her original business agreement with her husband. She did not fulfill the terms of the contract that would maximise her payout, but she will receive a sizeable chunk of change to keep quiet about his personal life and his special relationship with another high-profile man.

You will still see them together, albeit much less frequently, and they will continue to be very civil towards each other. They will attend events and will travel as a family when one goes to work. They will both have smiles plastered on their faces, but you will know that hers is really just a smirk, and he is absolutely seething inside over having lost control of the situation.

In the past few weeks, she has left two events separately from her husband because she was so annoyed with his behavior. Each time, she met up with her ex for several hours. While she is spending time with her ex, we do not know if they are romantically involved again."

Who could that possibly be?

 

SUBSCRIBE TO MY TWITTER FEED HERE

 

Spotted

Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel at a screening of her movie Easy Virtue in New York City...A makeup-free Eva Longoria Parker at the Washington DC airport...Nicole Richie on her way to Pilates class in Los Angeles...Kevin Federline strolling the streets of Vancouver, where he's on an acting job, with GF Victoria Prince...Amy Adams and fiancé Darren Le Gallo strolling through Dublin's St Stephen's Green, where she's been filming a movie...Helena Bonham Carter, Daniel Radcliffe and Emma Watson filming Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows on the coast of Pembrokeshire, North Wales...Matthew Broderick and son James navigating the sidewalks of their NYC neighbourhood by scooter...Boy George arriving home in North London after his early release from prison...Calista Flockhart and son Liam at Disneyland on Mother's Day...