Her newest movie Obsessed opened last week in the US. The thriller (their words!) is about the perfect life of Derek Charles (British actor Idris Elba), a recently promoted executive who shares an idyllic life with wife Sharon (Beyonce) and their baby son.

That is, until the Alex Forrest of office temps pops her blonde head up at his workplace. Lisa (Heroes' Ali Larter) is keen on a bit of the D-man, and when spurned her interest in him turns a bit, well, psycho.

Basically, it's a wannabe Fatal Attraction without the awesome Glenn Close, any sex, or a boiled bunny.

Sounds a bit shitola, right?

The American public didn't think so. Despite dire reviews Obsessed opened at number one at the US box office with US$28.6 million in takings. Its closest competitor was the Zac Efron flick 17 Again, which made US$11.7 million.

A lot of people went to see Obsessed. Which makes me wonder- in a time where everyone's feeling the pinch, did they go because they're fans of Beyonce and didn't mind if the movie was shite? Or do they not read reviews?

Of course, the opinions in reviews are one person's alone. What is my City of God could be your Battlefield Earth. Some people didn't like Borat. Some people didn't get Fight Club. Life is a rich tapestry, etc etc. But Obsessed was really, truly, universally panned.

USA Today called it ‘predictable and tawdry.' Rotten Tomatoes called it ‘instantly forgettable.' The word ‘dull' and the term ‘simple-minded' are used a lot.

But the most scathing review has to come from Rolling Stone magazine's long-term film reviewer Peter Travers, who gave the movie a total of no stars out of five. Zip. Zero. Zilch.

Travers referred to the flick as ‘a rank cheeseball thriller' and ‘crazy-ass awful.'

But it gets better! The reviewer continues "I'd call this stench cloud Fatal Attraction meets The Temp but that would insult those movies,"

And!

"Obsessed doesn't move at all. It lays there like two undigested latkes."

Ouch.

Beyonce, you may be good at many things. Seemingly picking and choosing good screenplays isn't one of them.

Nevertheless, the makers of this flick are laughing all the way to the bank.

And nobody watches 30 Rock? Weird.


Love is in the air - or not

New York's Page Six is reporting that Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard, the celeb couple who must take the title for the names with the most ‘A's' in showbiz, are set to tie the knot in Italy next weekend.

One would presume Maggie's brother Jake and his girlfriend Reese Witherspoon will be there.

The couple, who were engaged three years ago while Maggie was pregnant with their toddler daughter Ramona, have been together seven years - virtually a lifetime in Tinseltown terms.

And it's nice for the Gyllenhaal clan to have some good news on the romance front. Last year the actor siblings' mother, Naomi Foner, filed for divorce from their father Steven after 30 years of marriage.

The low-key couple's nuptials will be in the same country, but no doubt a world away from the glitzy wedding Salma Hayek had in Venice last weekend when she said ‘I do' to French husband Francois-Henri Pinault for the second time.

The couple had a registry office wedding in Paris on Valentine's Day.

Hayek and Pinault's February wedding caught the gossip world by surprise, mostly because the couple had ended their engagement in mid-2008. This time, the bride tied the knot with the billionaire businessman (his company owns luxury brands Gucci, Yves Saint Laurent and Balenciaga) over two days of celebrations in the Italian city.

Present? Charlize Theron, Salma's ex Edward Norton, best mate Penelope Cruz with her man Javier Bardem (Swoon. Pause. Recover), Woody Harrelson and Ashley Judd rubbed shoulders with Bono, Vogue editor Anna Wintour and former French President Jacques Chirac.

The couple's 19-month-old daughter Valentina (love that name! But it so doesn't go with Higgins) was her mother's flower girl. Pinault, while not Hollywood leading man handsome, has found favour with a string of women during his bachelor years. He is widely whispered to be the father of supermodel Linda Evangelista's toddler son, Augustin, and French politician Rachida Dati's baby daughter, Zora.

And it's sunshine and lollipops for Pink and husband Carey Hart, who are all systems go again after calling their romance quits in February 2008 after two years of marriage.

Now, Pink tells the AP that it's happy days for the reunited couple.

"We never really legally got divorced. Paperwork for both of us is really annoying. So we're choosing to be together. Our role models are Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon and Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn - people who choose to be together every day because they want to be there. And labels have never been our thing, so, we're just diving into that empty swimming pool, headfirst."

Love Pink. Think she's awesome, and love these two together. Congrats, you two!

Things aren't so peachy for Private Practice star Kate Walsh, whose divorce from executive husband Alex Young is threatening to get nasty.

Walsh, 41, met Young in February 2007 and married him in September of the same year.

The couple are trying to get a trial date for their divorce after negotiations on settlement proved rather fruitless. Word is Young, who earns a million US dollars a year in his role at movie company 20th Century Fox, is demanding financial records relating to the couples' house, despite Walsh's legal reps saying he has everything he needs.

His lawyer is not happy, and this one looks set to run. I'll keep you posted.

For heaven's sake!

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are many things. Parents. Movie stars. Celebrities. Philanthropists. What they are not is holy deities from the heavens above, but you'd be forgiven for thinking that after reading a report on People.com about sightings of the couple out and about in the small town of Oyster Bay, New York.

Mmmm, Oyster Bay. Makes me want a cold glass of sav, stat.

Anyways, the couple and their six kids have a rented home nearby the sleepy town, where they're living while Jolie, 33, films her latest film Salt.

Now, I know Auckland is located firmly on the arse end of nowhere when it comes to the celebrity world, but even we get celebs popping their heads in from time to time. I saw Michael Douglas once having coffee on Vulcan Lane. Scarlett Johansson and Josh Hartnett used to get takeaways from our local Thai. And I'd like to think we managed to keep some shred of dignity when they wander into our midst.

But these residents of Oyster Bay sound like they have never, ever seen a famous person before, and reportedly were quite overcome by the experience.

"When you talk to someone who has met them they're kind of glowing," Oyster Bay Town Supervisor John Venditto told People. "People love saying they saw them. They feel something very special happened to them."

Er, ok.

The manager of a local grocery store also failed to play it cool.

"They looked out of place because they were so beautiful," said Katherine Pastore. "They looked like they were airbrushed when they were walking. I went up to Brad and asked if he needed help and he said, ‘No thanks.' I was looking at him but I don't really remember it - it was like a dream."

It may be rich coming from a sad gossip hag, but really! Oyster Bay, get a life.

I'm surprised they didn't say the heavens opened and a bunch of harp-playing angels sang softly above the family as they browsed the aisles for tuna.

TMI Tori. TMI

You may be familiar with Tori Spelling, the sinewy, lumpy-breasted daughter of Aaron Spelling who's famous for, well, getting acting roles through being the daughter of Aaron Spelling.

Tori has a new book out called Mommywood about life as a celebrity mother.

Says Amazon: "With the same down-to-earth wit that made her entertaining memoir sTORI telling a #1, New York Times bestseller, Tori tells the hilarious and humbling stories of life as a mom in the limelight. From learning to be the kind of parent her own mother never was to revealing what it's like to raise a family while everyone is watching, Mommywood is an irresistible snapshot of celebrity parenthood that you won't get from the paparazzi."

Tori doesn't really get many acting roles any more. Neither does her hanger-on husband, little-eyed Canadian actor Dean McDermott, who dumped his wife to run off with Spelling three weeks after they met on the set of some schlocky made-for-TV movie.

So how does Tori stay in the limelight? She makes reality shows. She gets pregnant, gains weight, loses the weight. She then writes about it, and shares way too much information in the quest to publicise said book.

Earlier this week, a snippet dealing with the trials and tribulations of Tori's pubic hair through pregnancy hit the press.

"I wasn't prepared for losing sight of my lower region. I'd say, ‘Dean, how's it looking down there? Do I need to shave?' But of course I couldn't shave. So Dean had to shave me. He'd hold up a mirror and say ‘How'd I do?' Or he'd take a picture with his Blackberry to show me."

Now, the nightmare continues. I warn you. Make sure any food is well digested. Pray to the man upstairs for strength, cross your legs, hold your breath, and read on.

"I happen to be a Scorpio and I happen to be robust," says McDermott. "Can you blame me? Look at my wife. She's the most beautiful girl in the world and has the hottest body - I'd be lying if i didn't want to have sex with her six times a day...I was toasting that the sex was down from six times a day to three and a half."

Shudder.

Robust! Six times a day! Tori being the most beautiful girl in the world! There are so many things wrong with this statement.

For the record, I never want to hear about Tori Spelling's pubes and/or sex life ever, ever again. My revulsion knows no bounds, and I fear I'll be unable to close my eyes tonight lest I have a vision of those two unfortunate individuals going at the business.

Pray for me.

Spotted

A bikini-clad Rihanna on Sandy Lane beach in Barbados with a mystery man...Adrien Brody in New York with blue streaks in his hair...A rather haphazard looking Pamela Anderson in a short white ensemble at the opening of a New York strip club/steakhouse...50 Cent and Gossip Girl's Chace Crawford filming their new movie together in NYC...Lindsay and Ali Lohan playing it up for the paps as they swam in a tidal pool while on holiday in Hawaii...A make-up free Tyra Banks hanging out with her mum in West Hollywood...Ashlee Simpson-Wentz leaving NY department store Barneys with baby Bronx...Dave Grohl strolling the streets of LA with wife Jordyn, daughter Violet, and newborn baby girl Harper...A very skinny Tyson Beckford walking through NY's Soho neighbourhood...

SUBSCRIBE TO MY TWITTER FEED HERE