Tributes from the Kiwi stars grace the mag's inside cover. Simon Barnett wrote a novel. New Zealand's Next Top Model judge Colin Mathura-Jeffree draws a fetching Wonder Woman, and Dancing With The Stars' Stefano Olivierei declares "Yipee! Now we're the same age!" It takes two to lie, Stefano. One to lie and one to listen.

FYI, their biggest seller was the one with pics of Fergie getting her toes sucked in 1992. Ewwww.

Rachel Hunter is their birthday cover girl with the lead story ‘What I wish I'd known 20 years ago.' Cue swimsuit shots of then and now, and really not much has changed bar swimsuit fashion and the thankful exit of Our Rach's daggy late ‘80s perm.

She's not too bothered about turning the big 4-0, and expresses some surprise that she's still modelling almost a quarter of a century after being discovered on Takapuna Beach.

The mag boasts a montage of all her covers. Some, naturally, feature Rod Stewart (I like the Beauty and the Beast by the fire-style one!), her ever-present sister Jacqui, and one with Matthew Ridge and Marc Ellis in the buff. This may be a treat or a travesty, depending on your views.

To our favourite unstable redhead, Lindsay Lohan! NW is reporting the broke-ass actress has had a bright idea for extra income - galimony. Her ex Samantha Ronson is paid $100,000 a night to DJ at Hollywood parties - a fee that was a mere $10,000 a night pre-Lindsay. Ten grand a night? I heard all she does is put her iPod on shuffle!

Anyways, Lindsay is seeing dollar signs. I don't know how it works in California, but even here I don't think if you had a year-long relationship with someone where you didn't live together for all of it you could lay claim to their future earnings?

Could you? Law-savvy people, help me out here.

"Lindsay wants a cut, like 10 per cent of her future earnings for the next five years," says the mag.

Since they were hardly together for a fifth of that time, I don't like her chances.

Damn! Who's gonna pay for her Marlboro Lights and car repairs from now on?

It's hard being dealt that ticket to Dumpsville. Lindsay's obviously quite heartbroken - so much so that she's already been busted disappearing with bar manager Chris Jepsen into the bathroom at a party for 45 minutes.

They were talking about the state of the hors d'oeuvres, I'm sure.

My mag supplier didn't have this week's Women's Weekly in stock at the time I went to buy them, so I can't bring you the goss on cover star Stacey Jones and ‘Why I Came Home For My Boy'. If you want to read about the Little General (does that sound to anyone else like a name a guy would give his todger?) you'll have to shell out for that one yourselves.

Kate Middleton's brother James got bladdered on his 22nd birthday, and did it on the streets of chi-chi Chelsea with the paparazzi out in force. Hilarious pictures ensue! He does a severe case of the drunk eye going in the mag's pics. You know he's going home to cook up a bowl of instant noodles, eat none of it, and pass out by the toilet bowl.

Mrs Middleton looks none too pleased as the cameras snap away while the birthday boy takes a widdle on the street. You should see her! She looks like she's caught a glimpse of Satan, Jordan without her makeup and Donatella Versace naked combined.

The mag reports James Middleton's bash was a ‘shameful drunken spectacle', and says his big sister "made no effort to help her brother." Kate! This is why I like Chelsy better. Friends don't leave friends out to pasture when they're rat-arsed in public. Instead, they drag them home, make them unwittingly pay for the cab, and get together to poke fun at their hangover the next day.

New Idea lead with Patrick Swayze and wife Lisa, who always make me feel sad inside.

The latest? Pictures you may or may not have seen of a thin and ill looking Patrick from a few weeks ago. He's lost so much weight he's had to move his wedding ring to the middle finger of his left hand. Waaaah.

But brave Patrick isn't letting the big C get him down. He has a new puppy, is planning to write his autobiography, and is proving a tower of strength for his wife and his mother.

Jonah Lomu and son Brayley are snapped in the Woman's Day this week, and I don't know why writing that makes me want to sing a Cat Stevens song. I guess that hoo-ha about whether his baby was a boy or a girl is all sorted then.

Not that his parents were confused, obviously. The papers, I mean.

His girlfriend Nadene is sporting a huge sparkler on the streets of Wellington, and the mag is all aflutter because of it. ‘Tis rather blinging, and, the mag reports, ‘believed to be worth up to $150,000.' And did I mention it's on that finger?

Wow, you forget they only hooked up just over a year ago and they've already got a three-month-old! Mind you, Jonah's never been one to sit around and smell the roses when it comes to his love life. The Day reports that by the time he wed at 20 new wife Tanya Rutter was his third fiancé.

Is Jonah set to be the Elizabeth Taylor of the sporting world?

A saggy, baggy Victoria Beckham is snapped in the Day with a very old, very flat-assed pair of men's jeans on.

I am loving the stage her hair is at right now. Probably because I'd never dare to go short like that myself.

Victoria turned 35 on April 17 and it's the first birthday in all the time she's been with husband David that they've spent apart. Sniff! No birthday lovin' for her, I guess. And she had to spend it with Eva Longoria instead. Even the Eva Longoria fans amongst you must admit that's a downgrade from Becks.

Nevertheless, it's good to see Posh in jandals. Even if they look diamante-encrusted.

In a new theory, one of the mag's sources tries to explain away Posh's ever-shrinking figure. Flying fortnightly between LA and Milan, Victoria "can't stand airline food and refuses to eat it."

Posh. No one can stand airline food. I had a omelette once on long-haul that was more jandal than egg-based breakfast item.

Someone should introduce her to this guy.

OK! reports that Jessica Biel is not a happy camper on the state of her relationship with curly-headed crooner Justin Timberlake - reporting that the singer was spied on the phone in LA telling a friend "I'm sick and tired of this bullshit!"

Which could be any kind of bullshit really, but let's speculate it's of the romantic kind, shall we?

The mag says he's constantly flirting (read more about his appearance at Kate Hudson's 30th here), she's fed up - but the Biel has one very influential ally - Justin's mother.

"Lynn has become very friendly with Jessica. They instantly clicked and have a lot in common, from the same set of values to the way they like to spend their Sundays."

Incidentally, Justin's clothing label William Rast is now for sale in Australia and a pair of women's jeans will set you back a mere $439.

Olympian Steven Ferguson married Cleo editor Shelley Hill recently, and the couples vows - written separately - both promised to ‘share their last lolly with each other.'

Pics and details in the Day.

It must be love. I wouldn't give my last lolly to anyone. You'd have to pry it out of my cold, dead hands.

Antonia Kidman, wtf? Womans Day says Nicole's little sister, a TV presenter in Australia, is turning heads ‘for all the wrong reasons' with her new super-slim figure, while OK! has a different take, saying she's ‘ultra-slim', ‘slinky' and ‘striking.'

Normally I think Antonia Kidman's beautiful looking, but in these shots her whole face looks weird. She looks like Sweeney Todd. And not in a fanciable, Johnny Depp way.

NW leads with ‘Hollywood's Secret Scientology Club' and who Xenu really wants to get under its alien blanket. Since the fifties science fiction weirdo - sorry, founder - L. Ron Hubbard has promoted the benefits of celebrity membership to his devotees.

Tom Cruise, as you will know, doesn't believe in post-natal depression, can get addicts off heroin, considers psychiatry ‘glib' and apparently is the only person who can help at car crashes.

Victoria Beckham and husband David have never taken the bait, saying pals the Cruises have always been relaxed when it comes to matters of religion.

"There's been nothing shoved down our throats," says Becks.

Hee. I won't write what I just thought. ‘Tis libellous!

Cruise reportedly called old Angie Jo after she gave birth to Shiloh in 2006, saying the religion ‘would like to honour her with a humanitarian award.' No sale.

Britney Spears and Amy Winehouse are apparently in the religion's sights. Will Smith and wife Jada and Jennifer Lopez are well known celebs with leanings towards the controversial religion, while I think the general consensus would be that they are welcome to Paris Hilton.

And where would we be without the weekly Jolie-Pitt update? Probably better off, that's where, but since the Lenten ban lifted it's now my duty to bring you tales of their goings on, even if it is routine and joyless, like mopping the floors, or paying for a parking ticket.

NW reports that while Angelina is expecting the couple's seventh child, as in the Kiwi mags last week, the famous couple is very much kaput.

There are a few things to quibble with. They say Angie is two and a half months pregnant, and that the baby was conceived on the night of the Academy Awards. Oscar night was 22 February. Today is only 27 April, and this mag came out in Oz last week. They pretty much would have had to be there on the night in question.

Additionally, Angie's limo driver is reportedly planning a tell-all about their relationship. Although of course he doesn't really dish any dirt, because he's waiting for the big money from the tell-all.

"I have been privy to things that were alarming," he says. "For one, I don't think it was proper for Angie to be doing some of the things she did when Brad was not there. I'm concerned because there are darling children involved."

The mag also reports that Angie may not quite be over her bisexual leanings - having been ‘obsessed' (their word) with Clint Eastwood's wife Dina while making her last flick Changeling with the director.

"Angie's like a nymphomaniac - sex is her most important need. She loves to engage in lewd sexual acts."

Has John Mayer got himself a new girlfriend 16 years younger than Jen? Ouch. At 24, she's probably double his mental age anyway.

Holy sideburns! Matthew Broderick in the Day experimenting with some large sideboards. Does it make him look less dandy? No!

Thirty-five-year-old Paul Walker's girlfriend is 19! Is that gross? And they started going out when he was 32 and she was 16! That is kind of gross.

And Tori Spelling claims she's not anorexic, despite boasting arms which resemble strained chicken necks.

And that's all from the mags this week!

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