Now, I don't watch Desperate Housewives. Partly because all those women are underfed and annoying, partly because Eva Longoria irritates me so much, partly because I was over it by the end of the first season. But I know lots of you do, so please, please be warned that you may want to skip this segment if there's a chance you don't want to find out something that's due to happen in the show.

So, spoiler alert! Consider yourselves warned.

That probably makes you want to read it more now, but whatever. My job is done.

Anyway!

There's nothing I like more than a fight between drama queens, and it's definitely all on between soap stalwart Nicolette Sheridan and Desperate Housewives creator Marc Cherry.

Nicolette's character Edie Britt has been written out of the hit show, and the 45-year-old sounds none to happy about the canning, despite protests to the contrary.

There were rumours a couple of months ago that all wasn't sunshine and lollipops when stories emerged that in lieu of a farewell party from cast and crew Nicolette stripped everything - including light fittings and carpet - from her luxury trailer and skedaddled with the lot. Never confirmed, but take it as you will.

Now Nicolette took to the press to vent about her exit from Housewives, telling US TV Guide that "when the show started it was such a different beast. It was exciting and dangerous and funny and edgy and bizarre. It started feeling a little complacent, and that was very frustrating."

I don't disagree with her, btw.

She went on to say that she was keen to leave sooner than she has, but that she was contractually bound to the show.

I bet her agent's inbox runneth over with offers. She should have no problem getting work. You must have seen a couple of the movies she's made over the last couple of years, right? Code Name: The Cleaner? Fly Me To The Moon? Noah's Ark: The New Beginning?

Didn't think so.

Sheridan's never been short of a grand sense of her own self-worth (but then, it is Hollywood.) The actress apparently couldn't understand why she wasn't used more in the production and promotion of the show.

"When you have a jewel," says she "why not polish it and put it out there for all to see?"

Puh-lease! A jewel? If she is anything she's an old cubic zirconia.

And you thought Teri Hatcher was the high maintenance one on that set.

But that's not all!

"Somebody up there really wanted [Edie] dead," Sheridan continues. "I think whoever Edie represented in Marc's life was somebody he didn't like. And he had a very difficult time distinguishing fact from fiction."

Marc Cherry, God love him, had no intention of taking this malarkey lying down. He says the show needed to save cash, and cutting Sheridan loose saves production between US$100-200,000 an episode.

"Edie's already slept with most of the guys on the street and has caused about as many problems as she could," he said.

"What I won't do is cast another fortysomething sexy blonde. [Sheridan] performed the aging, neighbourhood tramp better than anyone has ever done before."

Oh no, he didn't? Did he? Oh yes he did! Cherry referred referred to her as ‘aging'. Which means he publicly called her on getting old. Nicolette's boss just referred to the diva actress as not being able to outrun the ravages of Old Father Time. The final indignity for any actress who hasn't seen her twenties since perms were in and shoulder pads ruled the catwalks.

Meow!

 

The Gibsons call it quits

Mel Gibson's long-suffering wife Robyn has finally filed for divorce from the actor and Oscar-winning director after 28 years of marriage, and the split could end up being Hollywood's most expensive divorce ever.

Mel has made around US$900 million over the course of his career- a large chunk from The Passion of the Christ - and the Gibsons had no pre-nuptial agreement when they married in 1980. Under California law, Robyn Gibson will be entitled to half that stash of cash.

The UK Sun - which may be right more often than we'd care to admit - points the finger of blame squarely at sexy Russian starlet Oksana Pochepa, a singer famous in her native Russia who seems to prefer not wearing very many clothes, despite her home nation's chilly climes.

Smitten Oksana, who first hit the Russian charts aged 13, said to the paper: "This is serious and I hope that our union will be real and strong and long-lasting."

"We are different people, but Mel is a grown man and knows precisely what he wants and me too - I know what I want."

Both sets of divorce papers state the Gibsons split up almost three years ago - around the time of Mel's infamous 2006 DUI arrest - when he called a female cop ‘Sugartits' and told police that "the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world."

Cue rehab and plenty of grovelling apologies to the Jewish community. Mel's father, Hutton Gibson, has previously found himself in hot water due to his stance as a Holocaust denier.

Obviously Robyn reached her breaking point around this time, and the pair are said to have been living separately ever since. This reportedly means any money the star has made since 2006 cannot be claimed on by his wife.

The pair, both now 53, have seven children - Hannah, 28, twins Edward and Christian, 26, William, 24, Louis, 21, Milo, 19, and Thomas, 9.

Surely divorce is public enemy number one in Gibson's ultra strict sect of Catholicism? Along with contraception and the gays? Okay, maybe it's a three way tie.

Who didn't love a bit of Mel Gibson back in his Lethal Weapon days? That cheeky twinkle in his eye, and that carefully constructed mullet. And maybe a bit of William Wallace thrown in there for good measure?

No more.

Gibson was spotted yesterday at his pad in Costa Rica, arriving by helicopter with a blonde. They proceeded to frolic on the beach, while Gibson had a pair of orange Crocs in hand.

Orange Crocs! CROCS! Mel Gibson is dead to me. I thought he was supposed to be religious, and there he is flaunting the devil's footwear?

The latest on Lindsay

To Lindsay! I'm gonna be brief, ‘cause I'm starting to feel a bit like I did when Britney shaved her head and attacked the car with the umbrella when I write about La Lohan at this point. Girl seems a couple of teaspoons short of the cutlery set.

Here's the link to her latest work.

Now riddle me this: Is this funny, or does it have a whiff of eau de desperation? Or can it be both?

The director of the clip, where Lindsay takes the mickey out of herself in a spoof online dating profile, was at pains to point out how fun and funny the actress was and how much she wanted to show the public that ‘she gets it.'

It seems a bit needy when you find out that the actress herself approached Funny or Die, not the other way around. And I do suspect people are laughing more at her than with her. But hey! At least she's still got her sense of humour - if not her reputation or her dignity.

But on a positive note, Lindsay has gone back to the red hair! Maybe her luck will turn.

Baby on board

It's just been announced that supermodel and Project Runway host Heidi Klum is almost four months pregnant with her fourth child. Congrats! The baby will be her third with second husband Seal (the couple also have Henry, 3, and Johan, 2). Heidi also has a daughter, Leni, whose father is F1 boss Flavio Briatore.

Briatore, the leathery Lothario whose other notable ex is Naomi Campbell, dumped Klum while she was pregnant and has never met his almost five-year-old daughter. Heidi started dating Seal when she was pregnant with Leni.

I like Heidi. Sure, she's cheesy, but who doesn't like the cheese? She must be one of the hardest working model-moguls in the biz, seems very family oriented, her kids aren't laden with cuckoo bananas names and she gets to work with my hero, Tim Gunn. What's not to like?

Spotted

Jerry O'Connell out walking with three-month-old twins Dolly and Charlie in Vancouver...Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhardt on the town in London...Ben Affleck filming on location in Boston...Audrina from The Hills at the release of her straight to DVD movie Into The Blue 2: The Reef in Beverly Hills...Drew Barrymore arriving at David Letterman's New York studio to promote her new flick Grey Gardens...Tori Spelling, husband Dean and kids Liam and Stella at NY's JFK airport...

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