People. This is what is actually meant by a ‘curvy' bod. Not Jessica Alba or Eva Longoria. Eugenie has toned arms and a legs, a flat belly and a great pair of boobs. She is just hippy. Her sister got similar grief last year when she dared to darken the beach with her bikini clad self.

Now, to the matters at hand!

The mag runs several snaps of the 19-year-old princess swimming off the Thai island with a pal. There's a hug. There's an attempt at dunking. Her friend sorted out one of Eugenie's wayward boobs and everyone was happy. God, it's hardly Girls Gone Wild, is it?

Or is it? New Idea makes it sound like something out of a Mills and Boon novel - or dodgy late night cable TV.

"The intimate duo didn't seem to care who saw them floating together with eyes locked, or when her strawberry blonde pal clasped the curvaceous brunette's stars and stripes bikini."

I almost expect the bom-chicka-wow-wow of a porno flick at that rate.

Er, in the only photo they have of the girls eye to eye, her pal's peepers are closed. Does that count as their ‘eyes locked'?

The mag also has a photo of what would have been the royal nipple, covered by a modesty-maintaining star. I would have rather liked a crown covering the nip, no? Bringing a touch of class to proceedings.

Eugenie and pals are on a typical backpacking holiday in the tropical nation, where the low(ish) key princess carries a backpack and tries not to let her bodyguards take centre stage.

"We laughed when they loudly discussed eating at a cheap shack to save money for booze," said an eavesdropping holidaymaker.

A wise move! And that way the British taxpayers have less reason to moan that she's wasting their money. Although exactly what Eugenie is holidaying from is another matter altogether.

In somewhat of a royal rumble, Eugenie is the star of not one, but two mags this week, snapped in the Woman's Day in Sydney. Smoking! Imagine! And wearing a hoodie to boot!

Cue widespread tut-tutting.

Anyone would think she was a 19-year-old on her gap year. Oh wait...

The Princess, the mag reports, is officially the brainiest member of the Royal Family after acing her final school exams, although she is apparently gaining ‘a reputation for mixing with an unsavoury crowd.'

Cue plenty of champagne, nights out with lap dancers, and a bit of streaking.

Sounds like my kind of party! How fun would a night out with Eugenie, Harry and Chelsy be?

From Buckingham Palace to Hollywood: on the front of the Day is a bedraggled Katie Holmes and a rather dramatic headline: ‘My fight with depression.'

Dramatic? Yes! Unexpected? Probably not. I mean, girlfriend is married to Tom Cruise.

The Day ups the stakes with word that ‘her return to LA sours by the day and her marriage to Tom Cruise hangs in the balance.'

Word is Katie has a bad case of the blues, and Mr Cruise is annoyed that he can't control her depression. Naturally, he thinks depression can be cured with some Vitamin C and a bath or something.

"She spends a lot of time alone in tears and Tom breaks out into cold, controlling arguments with her."

I'm not surprised. Y'all remember Glib-gate.

Meanwhile, Katie's friendship with once-estranged pal Victoria Beckham is back on. The pair's relationship chilled for a while after ‘after Posh allegedly made some upsetting comments about Katie's figure.' She would, too! Only in Hollywood could someone make fun of Katie Holmes' body. And coming from Posh! I like Victoria Beckham, but she does look like a haute couture praying mantis.

Victoria is like the Karl Lagerfeld of the Hollywood set. Do they know each other? They do! Fabulous! Imagine all the bitchiness and lack of sustenance in one room when those two get together.

But I digress.

Posh has been encouraging Katie to break away from the oppressive, bizarre teachings of Scientology to have more time as a 30-year-old woman, actress and mother and less time as a Fembot. But no more Xenu could well mean no more Tommy Girl.

Who'd win in a fight between Tom and Victoria? Tom does have the ghost of L. Ron Hubbard on his side. But Victoria could stab with stilettos and inflict damage with her sharp elbows and pointy knees. Being hungry can make you mean.

The NW takes a different tack on Mrs Cruise, reporting the actress is pregnant with her second child. Katie does get this every single time she wears a loose top. The one in the mag, however, is of a rather tenty nature.

Her daughter Suri will turn three on Saturday.

I wouldn't bet on an oft-rumoured pregnancy, although apparently Tom is ‘standing' the same way as he did when Katie was pregnant with Suri.

Righto. I'll remember that as one of the official symptoms of pregnancy.

The Weekly leads with a story at home with Kiwi driver Scott Dixon - who won the 2008 Indy 500 - and his wife Emma, who has a baby on board. They live in a chi-chi house in Indianapolis, and the story's spread over four pages. If you can concentrate on the text. Mrs Dixon's boobs are gob-smackingly amazing!

I mean that in a complimentary way, not a pervy one. That's the second time I've mentioned boobs in this blog. I'm not going all Trinny and Susannah, I swear.

Emma and Scott have three more months to wait until the arrival of little Dixon, but her pregnancy has not been without some amateur mistakes.

"When we first found out I was pregnant, we made the mistake of watching birth clips on YouTube to see what was ahead. They were like horror movies - we scared ourselves so much, we haven't watched another one since."

Congrats as well to Bro'Town's Mario Gaoa and wife Lisa who show off their gorgeous son Mali in the Weekly. This baby also has a horror movie undertone. Mario tells the mag he was rather freaked out when his boy was born ‘at 13 minutes past the thirteenth hour on Friday the 13th of November.'

They could have called him Damian.

And to more baby news! TV chef Jamie Oliver has had his third bun come out of the proverbial oven, and it's another girl, Petal Blossom Rainbow. Yes, it does sound like a My Little Pony, but good on his wife Jools for facing the press looking like a regular woman who gave birth eight hours ago. Pics in the Day.

Brains! Keep both hands firmly on your head, as an up-close picture of Madonna's zombie hands accompany a story about her failed attempt to adopt Mercy James in the Day.

‘Guy's father John has said that Guy will be ‘very relieved' by the Malawian court's decision,' reports the mag.

Guy Ritchie's dad has a big mouth. He's not at the Papa Joe Simpson stage, but he's got a mild case of verbal diarrhoea.

NW leads this week with the headline ‘We're Skinny, Get Over It!' And who, pray, are the fully paid-up members of the bony brigade? Posh Spice, naturally. Eva Herzigova's jutting shoulder blades, Victoria Hervey's ribs, Tori Spelling's twiglet legs, and Ashley Olsen's knees being the widest part of her legs all rate a mention.

Douchebag ahoy! John Mayer apparently still can't get over talking about ex Jennifer Aniston in the NW. And there's a picture of him in that Borat mankini. Barf factor: high! Why am I always exposed to this grossness just after lunch? Word is Mayer's new song ‘Heartbreak Warfare' takes a dig at the actress.

Britney's supposed new fella Chase Benz (that sounds like a new model car, right?) can be spotted on stage with the pop tart in this week's mags. He's been forced to wear some kind of a shiny codpiece, but his abs may distract you from this. Doesn't he look more like Justin than Kevin Federline? Check it out for yourself in the NW.

His granny is quoted as saying the 21-year-old dancer is "a true gentleman and has a big heart. She's lucky to have him in her show - and Chase just adores her!"

Ronnie Wood washes ashore in the Woman's Day at the beach, looking like a piece of beef jerky with shorts. He's there with young lover Ekaterina Ivanova, whose 20-year-old eyeballs have to take in the full glory of that ropey string bean every night. They've been together almost a year. Wood is a hard lived 61, but probably looks rather sprightly compared to band mate Keith Richards.

And to the snippets! Chelsy Davy has been seen out and about with South African cricket captain Graeme Smith. Gwyneth Paltrow goes cuckoo over childhood illness. And down on his luck former Baywatch star David Charvet is snapped squirreling a half-finished bottle of wine out of a restaurant.

That's all from the mags this week!

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