Possibly. If I was also buying assurances of purity from Paris Hilton and intellectual expertise from Kendra Wilkinson (who admitted this week she didn't know you had to put a stamp on mail in order for it to get somewhere.)

Apart from looking like she never ingests substances (of a nutritional nature) what on earth would Kate cook? Nicotine a la mode? Fresh air pie? Marlboro Lights in champagne sauce? Eyeliner casserole?

The supermodel is determined to become known for her culinary prowess and is planning to whip up a storm in the kitchen and share the results with all y'all.

You want to know who you can thank for this, right? Take a bow Stasha Palos, the step-daughter of Topshop boss Sir Philip Green. Stasha (a rather appropriate name for a pal of Ms Moss) is publishing a cookbook of simple Jewish recipes which, according to The Daily Mirror, Kate has discovered quite a soft spot for.

She's been cooking up a feast of Jewish fare - salt beef, potato latkes, and honey cakes - for boyfriend Jamie Hince and daughter Lila.

Following someone else's recipes, naturally, has convinced Kate that she is quite capable of writing her own...and that other people will want to use them.

Pity Pete Doherty's not still on the scene. A sprinkle of flaky skin would have made quite the seasoning for Kate's dishes.

Lindsay's whacked out week

Yes, I know, it's Lindsay Lohan again. I do apologise somewhat.

The girl's life is like a soap opera. And not even Shortland Street, Home and Away or my favourite, Corrie. La vida Lohan is packed with so much drama that it resembles one of those plate-smashing, hair-pulling, wailing to the heavens Brazilian soaps I used to watch in South American restaurants. You don't even need to understand Portuguese. The storyline is easy. Just follow the bitch fights!

So what's up with Lindsay? What's not? I may have to do this in bullet point form.

• Thursday: Lindsay jumps onstage uninvited at one of Lily Allen's Los Angeles shows. While Lily performed her cover of Britney's ‘Womaniser' Lindsay pulled a few awkward dance moves then ambles off.

Awkward! You can watch the whole hoo ha online. Fast forward to the 3:40 mark if you're not keen on seeing Lily's entire performance.

• Friday. Lindsay tries to get into a West Hollywood bash at the notorious Chateau Marmont celebrating designer Charlotte Ronson, girlfriend Sam's sister. She's not on the guest list. Failing to take the hint she rocks up anyway, and her way is barred by five burly security guards as she kicks up a right stink.

Lindsay later tells US Weekly that she was definitely persona non grata at the Ronson event.

"Everyone's turned on me," the actress tells US.

"She tells the magazine that the night of the Chateau showdown, Nicole Richie walked by her and said "Uck," and Drea DeMatteo said, "Come at me, bitch."

"I felt like I was in Mean Girls, but worse: Mean Girls was a movie," Lohan tells the mag.

No one does bitchy like Nicole Richie. See, it even rhymes! She was destined to be a bitch. And Drea DeMatteo! Such a hardass. Must have been all that time on the set of The Sopranos.

• Friday night: the wee smalls. Lindsay, Ali and Dina Lohan take a suite at the Chateau Marmont directly above the hotel room of Sam Ronson, her sister and their mother Ann Dexter Jones. Lindsay tweets up a frantic storm to Sam's Twitter account, with allegations of cheating, drug abuse and general heartlessness bandied about. The Ronsons say Lindsay badgered them during their stay and kept them awake with her general ruckus.

• Saturday. Paparazzi snap the locks being changed on Samantha's Hollywood home. Sources tell the US press that Sam's been wanting to send Lindsay on a one-way ticket to Dumpsville for some time, but each each time the subject comes up "Lindsay threatens to kill herself."

• Monday: Amid the breakup reports, Lindsay issues a brief statement acknowledging her romance to E! News.

"We are taking a brief break so I can focus on myself."

That's not according to Sam's camp, which says the split's most certainly for good.

Puh-lease. If that girl spent any more time focusing on herself she would turn inside out.

• Tuesday: Reports emerge that the Ronson family are seeking a restraining order against an ‘unidentified' person.

"On Monday, April 6, 2009, at approximately 5 p.m., members of Samantha Ronson's family came to the Beverly Hills Police Department," a police spokesperson said in a statement to the press. "They were given information for the process of obtaining a restraining order which will be administered at the Santa Monica Superior Courthouse."

Sam's lawyer denies that the order is for Lindsay.

• Still Tuesday: Lohan gives a hysterical phone interview to US Weekly magazine. Girl is desperate for money, but the mag insists they didn't pay her. Desperate, much?

"I'm not a bad person and this is what happens," Lohan told Us through tears. "I was raised to treat people well, and I'm so tired of this drama."

Perhaps things would start to go her way if she actually took responsibility for her own life and the state it's in. Don't blame Samantha or Charlotte or the press. Blame you. You should try it Lindsay. It's what adults do.

I'm off for a nap! Lindsay's love life is so draining. Even writing about it makes me sleepy.

Btw, do you think she'll be dating a bloke next after this? I do.

It's a shame about Tara

And you thought Lindsay's latest film going straight to movie of the week was a step down the ladder? Spare a thought for Tara Reid. The recently rehabbed actress' new movie, horror flick Incubus, got a release direct to the internet.

It was made in 2006, taking three years to land distribution. Imdb's synopsis may explain why.

"Stranded after a car accident, a medical school student and her friends try to find shelter - only to cross paths with a deranged killer."

For the princely sum of US$7.99 you too can score a copy of the flick from AOL Red.

No? Me neither.

And just for fun, here's the actress' unique take on world peace.

"I wish all the mean people, if you want to be mean to each other, just buy a country together and blow each other up. Then we'd have no terrorists left. Like, don't kill innocent people for no reason. It's not fair. We love everybody. We'd even like them if they said they're sorry. It's not fair that innocent people are getting hurt. It makes me sad."

Hmm, wonder which country's poor enough to sell itself to the ‘mean people.' Iceland was in financial strife lately, no?

Madonna shares the moolah

Despite the disappointment of being denied her recent adoption application in Malawi, Madonna's still finding ways to give. The singer has made a substantial donation, reported to be in the vicinity of $500,000, to the victims of this week's Italian earthquake.

Madonna's paternal grandparents once lived in Pacentro, one of the towns affected by the tragedy.

Applause, Madonna, applause! It's nice that even the Material Girl herself can think of other people at an upsetting time.

I'm serious!

I mean, it must be terribly traumatic for Madonna to not get her own way for once. Bet all those responsible in the Malawian court system are barred from all future ‘Sticky And Sweet' tour dates. That'll learn ‘em.

Spotted

Madonna and pal Stella McCartney dining out a Cecconi's restaurant in London...Denise Richards teaching her daughter Lola the ways of the monkey bars at an LA-area playground...Fans greeting Seth Rogen and his girlfriend as they emerged from LAX...Jason Statham sightseeing in Rio de Janeiro with bodyguards in tow...Johnny Depp filming his new movie The Rum Diaries on set in Puerto Rico...Beyonce out for breakfast in six inch heels in NYC...Penn Badgley and Blake Lively winging their way to Bangkok from Los Angeles...Pamela Anderson at the beach with new boyfriend Jamie Padgett in Hawaii...Calista Flockhart, fiancé Harrison Ford and son Liam strolling through NYC...