In vaguest theory, anyway.

According to the Woman's Day she's keen to bust a move on Rachel Hunter's hockey playing ex, Sean Avery. Also known as one of the biggest douches in professional hockey. He's been known to be handy with a racially charged remark, once reportedly mocked a fellow player suffering from cancer, and charmingly referred to his ex, 24 star Elisha Cuthbert, as his ‘sloppy seconds' when she hooked up with another hockey player.

Check out this rather uncomplimentary article from Sports Illustrated for more detail.

Bizarrely, he once interned at Vogue over the hockey off-season. He's also a veteran of the celebrity dating scene, having squired tiny twin Mary-Kate Olsen and Samantha Ronson's clothes designer twin, Charlotte.

Jennifer Aniston doesn't know Sean Avery. She's never met him. But she ‘thinks he's cute' and has been inspired to take on an athlete boyfriend by "Madonna's passionate relationship with baseball star Alex Rodriguez."

Suspect their relationship consisted mostly of fighting over the mirror.

"You have to remember that Jen's lifestyle is a lot like that of a pro athlete, with how serious she is about her workouts," a ‘source' tells the mag.

Except that they're working out for reasons aside from a deathly fear of getting fat.

They both like Led Zeppelin. That's it! Match made in heaven. Unfortunately for Jen, I suspect The Song Remains The Same.

She was ‘disappointed' Daniel Craig was already taken, so it seems Avery is her second choice.

The mag draws comparisons between the love lives of Our Rach and the Aniston. No offence, Rachel, but your ex-husband isn't really a patch on Jen's in the heart-throb stakes, no matter how many pairs of leopardskin trews he wore in the seventies.

"Now that Rachel has found true love with Jarrett, whom she will marry in August, could Jen follow the same path with Sean?"

I wouldn't hold my breath.

In a rather unappetising sidebar, the mag has John Mayer dressed Captain Stubing-style on his fan cruise from LA to Mexico. Ugh. Too close to lunch to see him in a pair of tight white stubbies.

I know your week isn't complete without an update on the Kate Hawkesby/Mike Hosking romance, so here goes! ‘Kate and Mike: A family at last,' toots the headline in the Day. Word is the pair have moved in together, "Brady Bunch-style," with their five kids.

And that's not all! Apparently theirs is an ‘epic love story.' Yes! Antony and Cleopatra. Romeo and Juliet. Jack and Rose on the Titanic. And those two who used to be on the TV.

Has Britney a new fella? Dancer Chase Benz has reportedly caught her eye as the pop star progresses through her North American Circus tour, and they've reportedly shared public smooches.

Ooer!

Don't worry, I'm sure her dad will find some way to poop the party.

The Day says he bears ‘a striking resemblance' to Kevin Federline. If he does, I can't see it. This guy is rather good looking.

The Weekly also reports on the 21-year-old dancer. "Brit loves the way he looks. She has a thing for Southern boys with loads of charm."

The NW has another angle on Brit Brit this week, reporting the singer is planning to get knocked up in a rather ill-advised sounding plan to free herself of her father's conservatorship.

"The clucky star is convinced falling pregnant again is the only way she can regain control of her life," says the mag.

They report Britney's secretly been writing to douchey ex, Adnan Ghalib, who's got a restraining order against him contacting the pop star for the next three years. But it could also just be weight gain. Suspect it may be the chunk. Shush! I'm not calling her fat. I just don't think a pregnancy manifests itself in belly rolls.

Twinkle-toed Josh Kronfeld and partner Bronwyn (a young looking 37!) are expecting a baby, and details are in the Day. Let's hope junior inherits his on-field prowess and not his dance moves.

While Kronfeld's been dancing up a storm, Bronwyn has been indulging her cravings.

"I thought white bread was poison and should be taken off the market. Now I think it's the best thing for pregnant women ever!"

All three local mags run stories on Madonna's ‘bullying' tactics in the adoption of four-year-old Mercy James. Presumably these went to press before Madonna got the ‘hell to the no' verdict on taking Mercy into the Ciccone-Penn-Ritchie family from Judge Esmie Chombo.

Get out the crackers and pour yourself a glass of pinot, because Mariah Carey and husband Nick Cannon are laying on the cheese in a big way in the back of the Weekly. They say it's a celebration of Mariah's 39th birthday, she actually just turned 40. Not much of a difference - apart from if you're 39 years old and being called 40, I guess.

Watch them frolic in the Barbadian surf! It doesn't look posed at all. I mean, you'd think they didn't know the cameras were even there. Lord! I feel like I'm drowning in a vat of melted stilton. Mariah and Nick, fondue-style.

NW leads this week with tales of celebrity weight loss. Their secrets? Hard work (Jessica Simpson). Shots of vinegar (Fergie); banishing pork (Reese Witherspoon) and getting married to a health fanatic (Scarlett Johansson).

Is Nicole Richie turning twin against twin? Now that would be a smutty story! As much as I'd like to report on a pregnant celeb running off with her babydaddy's twin brother, somehow I doubt it. NW reports that pregnant Nicole's been bonding with her boyfriend's twin since he split with her former best friend, Paris Hilton.

"Joel and Benji are tight, but Joel's put off by how close Nicole and Benji are getting and he's starting to get nervous."

Paris Hilton is reportedly engaged for the fifth time to reality douche Doug Reinhart, and everyone expects this fella to last about as people believed her protestations of chasteness.

They've been together six weeks or so, and it sounds like Reinhardt is already the smitten kitten. "Paris would make a great mom. She's my Angel Princess. I'd love to have some mini Parises one day."

Pass me the barf bucket, stat.

How does Paris get every boyfriend she has to propose to her? How curious! The curious case of Paris Hilton's love life.

To date Doug's bought her a $36,000 diamond necklace and a $14,000 teacup Pomeranian puppy. Jeez! What kind of puppy costs fourteen grand? Does it poo gold? And it's not like you're getting value per square inch either with a Pomeranian.

Oprah graces the front of New Idea with yet another sex scandal in her South African girls' school. Seven girls have been suspended for harassment of younger pupils and ‘forcing other students to join in their lesbian activities.'

The plot thickens!

Weirdly, Oprah takes the stance that the school indiscretions came to light only because of her media profile. ‘Because of my name these common infractions place the academy in the media spotlight.'

Er, not common, big O. I went to girls' school, and common was getting a two for one deal out of the tampon machine or everyone's periods ended up in synch. The odd time you'd spot a couple of girls in the bathroom...squeezing each other's zits. That was common. Lesbian sexual harassment is not.

In the shame of the week, 44-year-old Courteney Cox was mistaken for a very much older Janice Dickinson by a bunch of teenagers while filming her new TV series. Kelly Osbourne wants to play Jade Goody in a movie of the star's life. The Weekly has pics of Black Caps captain Daniel Vettori out with wife Mary and new baby James (bless!). And Paul McCartney's snapped out with his fly open.

And finally, the Weekly runs a feature on the very different York sisters, Beatrice and Eugenie.

"They aren't going to spend their lives sitting around waiting to open church fetes," says the mag's source of the pair's royal status.

Indeed!

Bea, apparently, is the sensible one. Eugenie is the party girl.

She frequents London's posh watering holes so often that "Tuesday nights at society club Boujis are known as ‘Bouj with Euj".

And that's all from the mags this week!

SUBSCRIBE TO MY TWITTER FEED HERE