Every man and his dog has an opinion on Madonna's latest jaunt to Malawi to adopt another child, and the woman is nothing if not polarising. The Material Girl has taken daughter Lourdes and sons Rocco and David (adopted from the country in 2006) along on her trip to collect another child. Oh, and her personal trainer a treadmill, a fleet of nannies and staff.

What Madonna wants, Madonna gets, and what Madonna wants at this particular point in time is four-year-old Mercy James.

Madonna has been in the Malawian city of Lilongwe before a judge to take part in the formal part of Mercy's adoption process. A decision is due on Friday (conveniently, the day before Madonna is due to fly back to the US), but word is the singer has already been told that her application will succeed.

Mercy has been living in a Malawi orphanage since her mother died in childbirth.

Mercy has no parents. But she does have two uncles and a grandmother, all three who don't know much about the adoption apart from that some rich white woman is pressuring the orphanage to give up the child. They've said no three times. But somehow the adoption is all ready to go ahead, and Mercy most likely will leave the country with Madonna this weekend.

Is it a good thing to rescue a child from an orphanage into a better life? Yes. Is she buying a child and speeding up the adoption process with her wealth and influence? Probably.

But people don't just say no to Madonna.

When she adopted David Banda in 2006 she promised the child's father, Yohane, that she would keep him linked to his culture and in touch with his father. Yohane has been quite public with the fact that this has not happened. He hasn't seen his son or heard from Madonna since she whisked his son away to London - until she decided she wanted another Malawian child. Suddenly David and Yohane were reunited in front of the cameras.

Yohane told US paper The Mirror "He asked me in English who I was and what I do. When I told him, ‘I am your daddy' he looked surprised."

"We spent three hours together... he played with my nose and although he did not know who I was he asked me lots of questions.

"David is quite chatty and intelligent. He asked whether I ride horses but I told him horses are for the rich. He asked me why I am poor."

But Yohane, to his credit, can see the benefit of his now almost a stranger son being the adopted child of one of the world's most famous women.

"I sometimes shudder to think what would have happened to David if Madonna had not rescued him. I am really grateful to her for saving him from possible early death."

And to Madonna's credit, life as an African orphan cannot be easy. Amidst poverty, malnutrition and the spread of AIDS, there can't be much of a downside to descending in and taking one of these children back for a life of unimaginable luxury in America.

But is the answer really uprooting them from their relatives, homeland and culture for a life in front of the world's paparazzi?

There's something so incredibly self-serving about the whole thing.

Conveniently the twice-divorced singer suddenly ditched the Brazilian boyfriend young enough to be her son and has started dressing like a well-to-do nun since arriving in Malawi. Imagine if the Malawian officials saw her Sex book!

Why can't Madonna choose a child who actually has no living relatives? I'm sure there are plenty of those. If African adoptions cause so much controversy, why doesn't she adopt an American orphan? There are plenty of American kids who need good homes.

Her three kids, by all accounts, are polite well-behaved children who want for nothing - except perhaps a few afternoons of TV and some junk food. Madonna certainly has the means to provide for a whole village of children.

It doesn't seem fair that a certain humanitarian movie star whose name I cannot mention is applauded every time she adopts a child from an impoverished nation while Madonna is vilified, but to me She Who Shall Not Be Named actually seems to want these children as part of her family than mere fashion accessories. She's also been on record stating that she would never try and get around a country's stringent adoption laws.

Annoyingly for Madge it's just hit the headlines that a chi-chi fundraising event Madonna's foundation Raising Malawi threw in conjunction with luxury label Gucci in January 2008 has not accounted for a penny of the US$3.7 million the evening generated.

What's happened to the cash? Both Gucci and Raising Malawi, which teaches a Kabbalah curriculum to the country's orphans, won't comment. Any charity must be applauded - when said charity actually gets the cash, that is.

Madonna seems to think she has a responsibility to be the saviour of Africa. Bono has a thing for Africa too, but it doesn't mean he feels compelled to collect its children like souvenirs. It is admirable that Madonna wants to welcome a needy child into her home, but she should have to go through the same processes as everyone else. Adoption is a really, really hard process for a lot of people.

As the law stands in Malawi, foreigners who wish to adopt a Malawian child must live in the country for a year.

Make Madonna live in the country for a year if she wants Mercy as part of her family. If she sticks it out, she can have the kid. Simple!

Porn little rich girl

Remember when Lindsay Lohan turned up cruising the streets of LA in a new white Maserati and everyone wondered how on earth the girl with no viable acting career could afford a car that costs upwards of US$100,000?

Wonder no more.

Turns out that car - which Lindsay's assistant dinged up to the tune of ten grand - belongs to porn king Dennis DeSantis, the man responsible for movies like Origami So Horny and Butt Sluts. Apparently the guy wants ‘nothing in return' for the indefinite loan of his pricey wheels.

What might being Lindsay Lohan's assistant entail? A typical day for her seems to consist of buying cigarettes, talking about eating McDonalds, and lying about trying to work with Seth Rogen. You need assistance with that?

Who knew a man who makes pornography for a living would lend a super-expensive car to a desperate, bisexual, desperate actress out of the goodness of his heart? I must have understood porn peddlers all this time. I do apologise.

Nothing in return? Don't you learn that there are always strings attached when you're about six years old? One suspects the strings attached are hooked directly to this guy's fly.

The sad thing is it's easy to imagine Lindsay, who once declared she'd have an Oscar by the age of 30, doing porn. I hope not. I know you lot think I rag on Lindsay a lot, but really.

Cue movie titles like Just My F**k, Labia Pains and Peen Girls. Herbie: Fully Loaded sounds like a porno anyway. Wait! Herpes: Fully Loaded. Thanks, Mel!

Does this girl have no-one in her life actually concerned about the choices she's making? To assist her with good judgment? To see her get a career like the Natalie Portmans or Scarlett Johanssons or Anne Hathaways? Not her girlfriend, not her mother, not her father?

Sadness.

What's up with Pam's face?

Pamela Anderson has got tongues wagging over the last few days with her remarkably refreshed appearance while hanging out with pals at Miami Fashion Week.

I know she likes to party most hearty but let's face it, compared to other celebs of around the same age - like Halle Berry (42), or Salma Hayek (42) or Cindy Crawford (43) - Pam looks beat. She gives off the appearance of having been dragged through several bushes (and makeup bags!) backwards after quite a few hard nights.

Even three weeks ago the former Baywatch star was looking rather rough. Now her skin looks fresher, tighter and more lush. Her eyes look clearer and brighter. If it's just down to diet, exercise and clean outdoor living, I'll have what she's having. But somehow I suspect it's not.

I know a new hairdo can do wonders for a girl, but not wonders like that.

Or is it just that she's not wearing so much eye makeup?

Pam has a new boyfriend, an electrician by the name of Jamie Padgett. Apparently they're living together in a Malibu trailer park....prompting the utterance of a certain phrase. Ah, go on. We both know you want to.

Trailer trash.

Spotted

Jennifer Garner wearing old holy knickers in Santa Monica, California...Milla Jovovich and daughter Ever out running errands in Los Angeles...Dennis Quaid having a cheeky cigarette while out in Beverly Hills...Christina Aguilera shopping for lingerie in Los Angeles...Jennifer Aniston filming her new movie The Baster in Brooklyn...Ashley Olsen leaving a business meeting in New York City...Demi Moore and daughter Scout strolling the streets of Nice, France, where Ashton Kutcher is filming a movie....Jesus Luz strolling shirtless down the promenade of Ipanema Beach, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil...

 

SUBSCRIBE TO MY TWITTER FEED HERE