The inimitable Victoria Beckham is fighting back against the loudening whispers that her marriage is on the rocks. Chatter's been fuelled somewhat by plenty of pictures showing her hot husband out on the town in Milan with Italian beauties draped all over him like Paris Hilton on a video camera.

Victoria's insistence to carry on family and fashionista life in LA has seen Milan's football hussies close ranks on old Goldenballs, but Victoria's taking it all in her stiletto-clad stride.

"I've seen enough bloody bimbos throwing themselves at David in LA and it turns out there are just as many in Italy - I expected it!"

Word is the couple is still scrapping about Becks chasing his European football dream by playing in Italy while Victoria stays in the States, but Posh claims not to be rattled by the news that 20 Italian football groupies have pooled around fifty grand to give to the first girl to snag Beckham.

"They think he's like a Greek god, all blond hair and green eyes."

I bet you cash money Beckham thinks Poseidon and Dionysus are Athenian nightclubs. But I digress.

New Idea is also running this line.

They report that more than one friend of Victoria's has told her to move her skinny butt over to Italy to be with her man. Some say Mrs Beckham should have learned her lesson - she fell out briefly with old pal Elton John in the era of the Rebecca Loos scandal when he suggested "she shouldn't be surprised by what happened when she left David in Spain on his own."

And let's face it, he's got form. Allegedly, allegedly.

Word is Victoria wants to give David a taste of his own medicine by finding herself a charming, hot fun-time friend of the male variety. Apparently the gay boys need not apply, since she wants a straight bloke around to be able to make hubby jealous - a very mature approach.

Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face. I didn't think the straight guys fancied Victoria Beckham. Or do they?

Has Hollywood good girl Natalie Portman been getting jiggy with the very married Sean Penn? Woman's Day says hell yes! How smutty! That'll shake up her goodie goodie reputation.

"The actor was seen caressing the Star Wars beauty's face as they kissed passionately at a West Hollywood hotel."

She's 27. He's 48. And the mag reckons during a dinner in Tinseltown the pair slipped off in a private elevator and emerged 45 minutes later. Ooer, vicar!

Word is Sean's been smitten by the petite actress since they met at the Oscars in February.

"I was mesmerised by her beauty that night," the actor reportedly told ‘a pal.' "I couldn't keep my eyes off her. We both knew it was gonna end up here sooner or later."

So much for his very patient, long-suffering wife Robin.

Two certain people are the cover stars of the Woman's Day and the New Idea this week, and due to my Lenten promise that is all I can say...

The Weekly has a run down of the potential blondes waiting to capture the heart of Prince Harry, and amongst them are his ex, Chelsy, and various posh girls with lots of money, connections, and expensive looking highlights.

Disturbingly, one of these is his nineteen-year-old cousin, Kitty Spencer. The magazine states clearly that Kitty is the daughter of Princess Diana's brother, Earl Spencer, but have still put her in the running to be a girlfriend to her, er, cousin. They spill that she told an English magazine once that he stayed the night at hers after a night out because they'd both had too much to drink.

So? They're cousins!

"Harry wouldn't go for it," says a friend. "She's too young for him and he wouldn't take her seriously."

What about the fact that they're related? Geez, I know I'm getting on, but I don't think cousin love has ever come into mainstream favour. I mean I know they're royal and everything, but come on!

In the Day, meanwhile, word is royal circles are tut-tutting over the eagerness of Kate Middleton's family to cash in on their regal connections. Isn't tut-tutting what the royal hangers-on do best?

"Social circles have reportedly dubbed Kate, 27, and (younger sister) Pippa the ‘Wisteria sisters' due to their "fragrance and ferocious ability to climb."

Hee.

There's a few bits and pieces on Jade Goody and the sad end to her life last week. Am I alone in thinking Stephen Fry calling her ‘a Princess Diana from the wrong side of the tracks' is a bit strong? I've even read comments in the English papers campaigning that they rename English Mother's Day, the day Jade died, Jade Goody Remembrance Day!

Although Jade has left a legacy of encouraging awareness of cervical cancer and regular pap smears so I suppose that's charitable, Diana-style.

I've always thought John Mayer was the leader of the Wiener Patrol, but would he go as far as to sell out his very famous ex? NW is running a story saying Mayer could get up to $14 million if he flogs journal entries about his time with Jennifer Aniston.

He doesn't need the money, but he is a shameless publicity whore. Could he resist the attention?

They quote Star magazine, a not-very-reliable rag in the US. But for argument's sake, we carry on.

He says the ex-Friends star is totally self-obsessed, spending six hours a day fixing her hair, makeup and tan. Self-help books, reality TV and pining for her ex-husband apparently take up the rest of Jen's day.

"When she's not staring in the mirror, she's on a treadmill or hitting a punching bag until ‘she can barely stand up.'"

Wow, she sounds so interesting. And fulfilled. I did sometimes wonder how she had trouble keeping a fella - being rich and good looking. If true, this does make a lot more sense. If.

To his credit, John's people say Star mag should be ‘ashamed' of the report. Of course it could be untrue. But if it's not....

Kiwi actress Anna Hutchison has been making waves on both sides of the Tasman with her role in Aussie crime drama Underbelly (now widely known, thanks to her, as Underbooby: A Tale of Two Titties).

Tomboy Delphi from Shortland Street is all grown up and flashes plenty of flesh in the series, now showing on TV3.

Hutchison moved to Sydney for the role, dates the guy who used to play Robbie Hunter in Home and Away, and is relishing the publicity generated for the show by her bare bosoms. See her in the Weekly.

"They said there'd be nudity with the role and I was prepared for it," she says. "I'm comfortable with my body. It is what it is - this is what Mum and Dad made. It just happened!"

NW reports that Jamie Spears keeps life for touring pop superstar daughter Britney ‘like being in a Soviet labour camp.'

Perhaps a diet of gruel is the secret to Britney's recent weight loss?

Sounds like Daddy Spears is taking this thing with his daughter having no legal rights of her own dead seriously. Britney's banned from eating junk food, has to read the Bible for an hour a day, and isn't allowed on the internet.

So what else is there to do?

Secretly get it on with her agent, Jason Trawick, says the mag. He must be a step up from K-Fed, although in the mag he's wearing that sports jacket and white t-shirt with jeans combo that I really don't think much of. But then I'm no Donatella Versace (thank God!)

"Jamie's picking Jason as the lesser of two evils. He hates K-Fed so much that even Jason, who he thinks is too slick and will hurt Britney in the end, is a better choice."

The NW's cover story this week spills on what celebs really weigh. Inside they let you know who's a complete skinny Minnie, who's refreshingly normal and who needs to lose the lard. Lindsay Lohan weighs less than Victoria Beckham, Paris Hilton is medically underweight, and some are refreshingly normal.

Fallen TV actress Lisa Rinna proves she's lost her last shred of dignity in the NW, donning a sandwich board in Los Angeles to campaign on a city curb to get herself on the remake of Melrose Place. ‘Honk 4 Lisa Rinna on the new Melrose Place!" sayeth the board, while her over-inflated lips scream ‘help us!'

Lisa played Taylor McBride on the original Melrose Place. She was married to Kyle, played by Rob Estes. Remember the days where almost everyone on TV was called Kyle? Ah, good times.

The headline of the week is NW's ‘Jennifer Love Addict' saying that the actress has already hooked up with Z-list comedian Jamie Kennedy after breaking up with her Scottish fiancé in January.

Are Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson getting married? The Butterscotch Stallion and the man-eating blonde could possibly be tying the knot if the Woman's Day is to be believed. There's a recipe for lots of beautiful blonde babies if I ever heard one.

Is Lisa Marie Presley ditching showbiz to become a missionary for Scientology? New Idea says yes. If so, can she stay away from my front door?

And that's all from the mags this week!