To my knowledge the two are not acquainted. We should all thank our lucky stars. Suspect that if they ever did join forces the world would spontaneously combust in an overload of coke residue, fake tan, eyeliner and bad hair extensions.

Lindsay's assistant has already crashed the US$115,000 Maserati Quattroporte which Lindsay bought only last week. See? Always with the drama!

While Amy has retreated to London in an attempt to put together her third record, Lindsay is still living it large from Miami to Hollywood with girlfriend Samantha Ronson. She's been hanging at Sam's DJ gigs (and I use that term loosely, as apparently she simply puts an iPod playlist on). She's been shopping, and supposedly, despite a noticeable and rapid weight loss, she's been eating.

What Lindsay hasn't been doing is working, but the 22-year-old turned to that bastion of the celebrity truth, E! News, this week to set the record straight regarding life in Lindsayland.

It's pretty safe to say when it comes to reality, Lindsayland seems more like Disneyland.

On her relationship: "They need to stop saying we're fighting." (Then stop fighting!)

"People telling lies about me to her and all this garbage. I'm a really good person and I have a good heart and just want to work. (cough, splutter!) The only reason I go to clubs is to hear Samantha spin or be normal."

On her reputation round Hollywood: "I don't drink, I don't do drugs and I don't lie. I love to act and write and be creative, and I want to help people by playing characters that can send a positive message out to whomever may need it."

(Yes, in this economy I think my life really will be changed for the better by Lindsay's new movie, in which she plays a girl who fakes pregnancy so she doesn't get fired. Alleluia! Life crisis over!)

"My past is my past and it's been a long one, but I'm growing more and learning day by day. I'm not the same person and I don't make the same mistakes."

"I move forward and I change. Life's too short not to. If people would just leave my personal life alone - because it's really not that interesting - then I could land a great role. But all the sicko fans and the noise is so distracting."

Lindsay. I don't think you've a huge surplus of fans left, let alone a huge glut of the sicko variety. Second. Denial is not that long river in Egypt, as the rest of us well know. Blaming coverage of your relationship for your career being in the toilet? Then stay home, you eejit!

Of course it's nothing to do with your unreliable reputation or bouts of ‘exhaustion' and ‘asthma'. Nothing at all.

But Lindsay is nothing if not resilient - and I guess at 22, you should be dreaming a little dream.

"I'd like to have my own charity, do work overseas, be in Oscar-nominated films, write movies, produce movies/shows/videos, design clothes, make music, write books etc."

"With everything that's gone on with my family, my parents still taught us how to have tact, class (snort!) respect for others, and how to follow our dreams and never change who we are for anyone or anything."

Respect for others. That must be why you wrote ‘Scarlett is a c**t' on a bathroom wall with regards to a certain Ms Johansson. And class! Why we've all seen your cooter emerging from cars into a sea of paparazzi cameras.

Please Drew Barrymore, from one child star and rehabbed addict to another, save Lindsay Lohan! Rescue her from the shadow of the valley of delusion. She needs all the help she can get.

Show me the money! Or lack of.

Financial records released this week say Britney Spears has had at least 17 lawyers involved in running her personal and business affairs since she relinquished control of her rights to her father, Jamie, after her meltdown 14 months ago.

Just as well Brit Brit is back on tour, then, as the paperwork filed in Los Angeles Superior Court states she's spent almost three million US dollars in that time on legal and administration fees.

That's a lot of frappuccinos Britney'll never get to suck on.

Mind you, she's had to fight a custody battle and divorce proceedings in that time - although the amount doesn't count the cash she has to hand over (around twenty thousand a month, at last count) to ex Kevin Federline on a regular basis.

Lawyers for Britney's father, Jamie, billed more than one million dollars for their services alone.

Jamie has complete control over Britney's cash, which must irk the fast-food establishments and wig-peddlers of Los Angeles no end. The singer has a set weekly allowance and is strictly forbidden to get her hands on more cash once the week's money is gone. Yes, like a kid with pocket money.

Her divorce proceedings in 2007 showed that Britney used to save absolutely none of her $737,000 monthly income, so she probably could use the help with her finances. But three million dollars? Ouch.

The rich and famous (and me!) turn to Twitter

Theories are still flying re the demise of the John Mayer-Jennifer Aniston relationship - the latest one being that she called it quits after getting fed up with the amount of time he spent on Twitter.

Word is he told his missus he had no time to hang with her, and then she uncovered the glut of updates he continually makes on Twitter. 

Jennifer Aniston was right. Mayer is afflicted with a severe case of Twitter-itis. In the last 24 hours alone he's logged more than 20 updates. A Twitterholic, perhaps? The singer has 346,148 people following his rants, raves and musings, which include gems like ‘Can we have a funeral service for the phrase "I think I just threw up in my mouth?" It's spoken with conviction but it's a movie line."

Just call it what we used to call it as kids - a sickie burp.

Mayer might be one of the most prolific celebrity Twitterers but he's definitely not alone when it comes to spreading the word via Twittering. Solange Knowles ("where the f**K are my Reeboks?"), Jon Favreau ("Rehearsed today with Gwyneth. She looks ripped. I gotta read GOOP and see what the hell she's eating") and Mr and Mrs Kutcher, Ashton and Demi, are all fans.

As is Diddy, who seems a bit heavy on the exclamation marks. Britney's also on Twitter, but her rather dry feed is mostly updated by her manager.

A gem, naturally, is the Twitter-type musings of the legendary Karl Lagerfeld. Karl isn't a sporadic Twitterer, but who needs to be when you can come up with musings such as:

"My dream? Transparent fur. The hair on plastic and not on leather. We've tried, but nobody has found it yet."

Er. Guess it's good to have a dream, right? Even if you are bitchy German fashionista past retirement age.

But wait, there's more!

"Florals are for middle-aged women with weight problems."

And:

"Believe it or not, I love rap."

You'd also find bizarre coincidences, like this one I read from Lagerfeld "The best Christmas gift I received this year? A platinum pogo stick."

And then this, on Christopher Walken's very entertaining feed. "There's a kid on a Pogo stick in front of my house. It's nearly midnight so let's assume he's been drinking. This should end well for him."

The image of a ponytailed, gloved-up Karl Lagerfeld bouncing around on a pogo stick outside the Walkens' in the dead of night just made my day. Seriously! Almost more than the fact that one of my friends wore two odd shoes to work today...and only realised in the afternoon.

You know who you are.

And while on the subject in a not entirely unrelated matter, I am now filling people's minds with jibber-jabber in the world of Twitter. Subscribe to my feed and find links to all new blogs as well as all the other celebrity-related malarkey that may cross my keyboard.

Spotted

Matthew McConaughey and Camilla Alves out strolling with baby Levi in Malibu...Christina Applegate hailing a cab in Manhattan...Hilary Duff filming a guest part on Law & Order: SVU in New York...Khloe, Kourtney and Kim Kardashian spending the afternoon shopping in LA's boutiques...Vanessa Hudgens doing her grocery shopping in Studio City, California...Calista Flockhart sporting a huge engagement ring in LA...Paul Rudd dining out at Il Sole restaurant in West Hollywood...The Edge and wife Morleigh Steinberg eating out in Tribeca, NYC...Geri Halliwell and Guy Ritchie drinking together at his London pub, The Punchbowl...Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant on location filming their new movie in New York City...