NW is the first cab off the ranks this week, and its angle says he dumped the lady after finding out she spent the night in Owen Wilson's hotel room on their recent Marley and Me trip to Europe. You know, the one where her hairdresser got paid ridiculous money to make her hair look how it always looks.

Jen insisted that the two got to talking after a late night at work, and she kipped on Owen's suite couch (it could have also been a sweet couch, but that's not confirmed) after having too many drinks and feeling the sandman fling his sleepy dust in her peepers.

Who doesn't pass out every once in a while after a few too many tequila sunrises? John Mayer professes to be a man of the world. He should know how a night on the tiles goes down. The key to a successful pass out is if you manage to get your shoes off. If you sleep with your shoes on, you know you really had a big night on the razzle.

"When Jen did emerge the next morning, she was wearing the same dress she'd had on the night before," says one of the mag's sources.

Which would make sense if she stayed the night in there after passing out, right? But also if the pair of them had spent their time doing the business? Business or boozy evening? I'll let you decide.

Anyway, Mayer was reportedly furious at this possibility of maybe-shagging and when Jen attempted to explain on the phone he hit her with the one-way ticket to Dumpsville.

"I've moved on," he told the actress. "Last night I slept with someone else."

Woman's Day also has their theories about the Animayer split, but they reckon Jen dumped John.

Do you think?

But the mag's reasoning is more interesting. The Day reckons Jen knew it was time to let the douchey rocker go when she called John by the name of a certain ex-husband when they were in bed together.

Oooooh, burn!

Maybe John Mayer just should have been glad someone mixed the two of them up? It's a compliment for him!

New Idea has yet another take on the whole business, reporting that the Aniston is setting her sights on her ex-husband's best pal George Clooney. He's invited her to hang out at his Italian villa by scenic Lake Como, and in mag speak this means they're starting a life changing love affair.

I'm not sold. She's not really George Clooney's type - and that's probably a compliment for Jennifer! Clooney seems to go for younger, a bit tackier and far more buxom.

Sigh, the Weekly's reporting Oprah's on a diet again. I don't know why. She looks good. She's not unhealthy. She's rich, powerful and influential. Stop being vain and just enjoy yourself, woman! That's my motto. Which may be the reason my body composition is currently about 42% crème egg.

Madonna's South American plaything, 22-year-old Jesus Luz, has a couple of young, gorgeous ex-girlfriends, and the ladies aren't holding back when it comes to talking about his new missus.

One, actress Catharina Franca, refers to Madonna as ‘a ridiculous old bag' and snipes
"I think she has some kind of age complex, she still thinks she is a young woman, she can't accept her age."

This is certainly not news, but it's fun to hear someone say it nonetheless.

The Day is running details of Madge's terrifying fitness regime which can run up to ten hours a day. Ten hours a day! I don't sleep that long. I'm not at work for that long. (Note to boss: yes I am. All the time). On occasion I have watched TV for that long, but that's a loooong time, people. Too long to be feeling the burn.

So what's involved in looking like the Material Girl? Try ninety minutes of cardio followed by weights, and an hour of ab work so intense that she's been heard letting out a "guttural scream." But wait, there's more! Follow that with three hours of dancing and two of Pilates.

"Her aim is to look like one of Michelangelo's sculptures."

Hmmm, good luck with that, freak. Suspect the lack of body fat may have addled Madonna's brain.

New Idea leads this week with newsreader Bernadine Oliver-Kerby and her support of the Child Cancer Foundation's appeal. Very worthy, but very low on the gossip factor. And, curiously, the mag calls her a new mum. Are you really new at it when your kid is 15 months old? You wouldn't say you had a new job if you'd been working there for 15 months, would you?

Not trying to be douchey. I may be succeeding, but not meaning to. Just wondering.

See pictures of Matt Damon dressed up as former Springbok captain Francois Pienaar for his new movie The Human Factor- about the 1995 Rugby World Cup. He looks weird, and not at all like Francois Pienaar. Plus about eight inches too short and twenty kilos too light to be a real rugby player. Still, Americans won't know what Francois Pienaar actually looks like, will they?

Posh's rules for marriage are mentioned in the NW and the supposed woes of the Beckham marriage make the front of the Woman's Day this week. While the husband's away, the wife is certainly not at play. Instead she's getting her hired goons to spy on David to make sure he doesn't get into another Loos-type situation.

The Woman's Day suggests that marital disharmony isn't the only thing the pair should be worrying about. While David's been snapped lapping up the attention from Milan's sexiest signoras, Victoria has reportedly been avoiding the dinner table.

"She has gone from someone who controlled her appetite and diet to perfection, to someone who finds fennel too filling."

Maybe it's just as well Victoria's not eating at fancy restaurants - the girl might not be good to pick up the bill for much longer. The mag says the credit crunch has hit football's most famous family and the clan have lost around $34 million through the property market, falling share prices and David shelling out from his own financial stash to stay playing footy in Italy.

"Their bank balance has a few less zeros on it than usual," says a source.

Oh boo fricking hoo. Try having all zeros for a change, and live amongst the common people. Overdrafts unite!

The Day is reporting that Nicole Kidman has gone slightly cuckoo bananas for baby daughter Sunday. There are some good shots of the little tyke if you're that way inclined, who seems to have inherited her mother's porcelain complexion.

‘Nicole's Pain' the cover toots. ‘I Won't Lose Another Child.'

Apparently Nicole is determined to stay holed up in her Nashville pad, almost never leaving the house and certainly not letting little Sunday out of her clutches.

"She's turned into one of those mothers who can't handle letting her baby out of sight."

Funny, she was able to let the other kids go easy enough.

New Idea has the details of Howard K. Stern's arrest for supplying Anna Nicole Smith with drugs. I never trusted Howard. As well as trying to mooch off the name of a big-haired guy on the radio, he looks like he has a major case of the creepy eye. Just check out his mugshot. Then give yourself the sign of the cross and grab some holy water, stat.

Howard and two of Anna's doctors are "accused of pushing the blonde bombshell into a fatal spiral of drug addiction" by "repeatedly and excessively prescribing and furnishing drugs."

Is Liz Hurley's marriage on the rocks, ponders the New Idea. Already? She got married the same week I did, only two years ago. Mind you, I imagine Ms Hurley would be rather high maintenance to live with. Not like yours truly!

Hubby Arun Nayar apparently thinks her obsession with publicity and social standing is ‘tedious' and is tired of the role Hugh Grant plays in their life. She's also planning a reality show around her new organic farm, which the husband considers tacky.

Ugh, I have no time for Elizabeth Hurley. Except that two minutes I just spent typing stuff up about her. But no more!

And to the brief stuff!

Prince Harry snapped with painted fingernails in the New Idea. Tom Cruise is more parole officer than superstar husband to Katie Holmes in the NW. Kate Moss' boobs are heading sideways in the back of the Day, and rumour is Nicole Richie's expecting twins!

And that's all from the mags this week.