Collect the set! With Britney Spears' impending charge for her hit and run you'll be able to get the mugshots of Paris, Lindsay, Nicole and Britney - all in the space of a few months. It's like collecting that set of All Blacks figurines from the Mobil. The ones that nobody wants now after Black Sunday. I'll tell you something for nothing, the Graham Henry we had sitting by our telly for luck is going straight into the fireplace for a ritual burning.

But I digress.

Paris Hilton deserved the jail time she served in June, simply because karma's a bitch, and so is Paris. The fact of the matter is this - she was done for drink driving, her license got taken off her. She continued to drive and ignored several stops where police officers reminded her she was forbidden from driving. Obviously the rules don't apply to a rich girl with a hankering for a drive-thru burger.

I took the utmost pleasure in seeing her bony ass dragged back to prison after being released to home detention after serving three days. The best thing was that they snuck up to her place and pounced, like a nasty episode of Punk'd. Paris was crying and screaming for her mommy, who, by the sounds of the outburst she let fly at the judge and court officials, is as low class as her skank daughter.

After three weeks in Century Regional Detention Facility, Hilton emerged from that prison like something out of Big Brother - spilling all over the rags about how she'd changed and was going to use her influence for the greater good. And what's she done in the three and a half months since?

Paris has done us all the favour of wearing underpants and hooked up with a Swedish tourist. Then there's the matter of her upcoming movie 'Repo! The Genetic Opera'. The title alone makes me shudder. And you thought Pavarotti-style opera was an acquired taste!

For god's sake, the girl still dots her 'I's' with hearts at the age of 26.

David Letterman, for me, is now the Coolest Man In The Universe after giving the Parasite some grief when she appeared on his talk show recently. Dave wanted to talk about the stint in the slammer. Paris, god bless her stupid heart, thought she was there to discuss her new movie and her perfume (What's it called, Eau de Ho?).

When Dave pressed the jail issue and got a few hearty laughs out of the audience, what did Paris resort to? Pouting. She stuck her bottom lip out and told St Dave of New York "you're making me sorry I came." Sorry she came? We're all sorry she was born.

Nicole Richie got wasted in December and drove the wrong way down a California freeway. She did something very stupid, agreed, but fessed up and didn't try to weasel out of it.

I like Nicole. Yes, she's far too skinny for her own good and, despite her protestations, we can all tell that doesn't come naturally. Her boyfriend may have a bit of a carb face but by all accounts is a decent guy and not out for her fame or her money, having dated pop tartlet Hilary Duff for the past two years. It's definitely an upgrade for Joel, moving up from Hollywood's Horse Face to its Best Dressed Skeleton.

Lindsay Lohan had no choice but to play ball after her second arrest. After plenty of "exhaustion" and an "emergency appendectomy" (Dina Lohan's words, not mine) Lindsay fessed up to a chronic drink and drugs addiction.

Lindsay - who looks so much better as a redhead, don't you think? - obviously committed to her second stint of rehab in a year deliberately as to reduce her possible jail time. She was involved in a car chase in Santa Monica in July where she was found to be driving drunk and in possession of cocaine, her second arrest for DUI in a year.

Yes, she's one of the most photographed women in the world. (Through her own choice, but nonetheless). Girlfriend comes from a screwed up family, was famous at the age of 12, and by her account has been on the drugs and the drink hard core for the last four years. But she's young, and I have two words for you. Drew. Barrymore. Our copper-headed friend has more talent than the rest of these Hollywood party girls combined and if Drew can bounce back from being a 14-year-old cokehead so can Miz Lohan, with luck.

Britney Spears could be next. Never mind that she's been driving in California for the best part of five years with no valid license. This celebrity trainwreck dinged up a Mercedes in an LA carpark in August, an incident caught on tape by a swarm of paparazzi, and did nothing but ask the paps if "she had hurt her car." Alas Britney, with photo and video evidence, your ass is grass.

I feel sorry for Britney. She makes it so easy to poke fun, but I think the girl has some serious mental issues and I hope for the sake of those godforsaken kiddiewinks that she gets the help she needs soon. Sigh! Remembering back to how hot she was a few years ago makes me sad. Dancing with that python, making out with Madonna...altogether now! "Memories/Like the corners of my mind...."

A world in which Kevin Federline is judged the better parent is not really one I want to be a part of.

And it's not just the ladies in trouble - this week 24 star Keifer Sutherland pleaded no contest to his second DUI in two years and is due to go to prison for 48 days. After work on his TV series is finished, of course. I mean, you'd hate him to be inconvenienced by this whole prison thing.

Somehow I don't think Doug Howlett will be getting the late five figures this time round from New Idea for the exclusive on the night he got plastered and arrested at the Heathrow Hilton. You may be pretty, Douglas, but a conviction for criminal damage is SO not a good look.