Seems like the sun is shining, the birds are singing and love is in the air as the northern hemisphere spring arrives. Frisky stars are frolicking in the sunshine, planning for progeny, and peeping at their partners in the pages of Playgirl.

Interested? Even in a grotesque way? Then read on.

Woman's Weekly leads this week with Australia's own native species of batface, Nicole Kidman, and her ‘Secret Life Revealed.' Sounds scintillating, but turns out it's nothing more than the red-headed ice queen having some rather red-blooded needs.

The mag reports that Mr and Mrs Urban have a rather red hot marriage. "Keith and Nicole have a very sexy marriage, one of the hottest around," says a friend. "They are simply blown away by each other and love to kiss and cuddle. At times, they're just like teenagers."

Shudder. I don't want to imagine those two doing the nasty. The thought of He of the Thin Lips getting busy with his thin lips does not play out a pretty picture in my head.

Turns out Mrs Urban was on quite the quest a couple of years ago when she attempted to track down the revealing spread her husband did for Playgirl magazine back in the early noughties. But it wasn't simple for even a Hollywood superstar to pry a copy of the April 2001 mag from the hands of enthusiastic Urbanites.

"She was impressed with the shots," Keith smiled knowingly. "It was on two pages and had staples in all the right places."

Thank you lord for the invention of the humble staple. Praise and worship!

Meanwhile, the Woman's Day has a photo spread of a besotted Orlando Bloom slipping supermodel Miranda Kerr the tongue on the balcony of a Sydney hotel room. Across the Pacific the NW boasts a rather gross pic of Paris Hilton's new boyfriend Doug Reinhardt slipping her the slimy tongue monster in the back of a car in Hollywood. He seems exploratory but hesitant, like an adventurer forging a path into the black abyss from which he knows there is no return.

You've swapped spit with the Hilton now, Reinhardt. All hope is lost.

Meanwhile, Ashlee Simpson and hubby Pete Wentz are enjoying parenthood so much they are reportedly already trying to conceive a brother or sister for four month old Bronx Mowgli. As well as Ashlee signing up to be part of the revamped Melrose Place and Pete making music that people reportedly like? They're gonna be one busy twosome!

Let's guess what they'd call another kid. Could they top Bronx Mowgli, probably the worst baby name in celebritydom? Leave me your suggestions below. My money's on Baloo Manhattan. Or Bagheera Staten Island.

‘Kate's Shock Betrayal' toots the New Idea from its cover this week, detailing that the royal girlfriend is "the clever mastermind of a devious plot to keep Chelsy Davy away from Prince Harry."

Kate Meddle-ton! And you'd think butter wouldn't melt. Why does she care, anyway? What's she got against my girl Chelsy ‘Jose Cuervo' Davy?

Quite a bit as it turns out, which is the reason she's been falling all over herself to set Harry up with her best mate Astrid Harbord. The Prince shared a night on the tiles with the blonde in London followed by a cosy few hours in his private flat inside Clarence House.

Apparently Ms Middleton wasn't exactly sad to see Chelsy go when she parted ways with Harry earlier this year.

"She had grown tired of the public's growing affection for the brainy African bombshell while she was portrayed as the clingy and dowdy girlfriend."

This is like some stuff straight out of Melrose Place! Royal hangers on at war! Now that would be a reality series.

The bubbly Zimbabwean supposedly irks Kate as she reminds her of William's ex, Kenyan Jecca Craig. Issues!

Woman's Day reports that Chris Brown was in attendance at Rihanna's 21st birthday bash, and the news of the pair's growing closeness is going down as well with the singer's friends and family as you'd imagine it would.

"Am I scared for her? Hell, yeah," says a pal. "I saw the girl's face. She looked like chopped liver. He could kill her next time."

Even Oprah's in on the act, and everyone knows you mustn't disobey the mighty O. Isn't that the eleventh commandment? "Take care of yourself," Oprah declared on a recent show about domestic violence. "Heal yourself first...and love doesn't hurt. I've been saying this to women for years. It a man hits you once, he will hit you again."

The NW leads this week with that crazy rumour that Chris Brown and Rihanna have followed their spousal abuse controversy with not a breakup or a restraining order, but a wedding.

I don't know if even I can believe that, and I love me a rumour.

Something's definitely up. Rihanna's changed her email and phone number so her family can't reach her, and her rep won't deny word of the nuptials, rumoured to have taken place at Diddy's mansion in Miami a couple of weeks ago.

"We aren't able to offer you anything right now but will keep you posted if that changes."

The mag also reports that Brown's intentions may not be as pure as simply tying the knot with the woman he supposedly loves.

"Right now he's thinking about his career and how he can save it. He looks less like a villain because she's taken him back. He wants to be sure she won't be testifying against him."

Is Lindsay Lohan back on the slippery slope to Coketown? And I don't mean the happy place they make the carbonated beverage. Snapped several times with a white powder up her nose, Lindsay's also been publicly busted boozing in clubs around the world, reports NW. Almost inevitable, I guess, when someone with a drinking and drug problem makes their living from appearing in nightclubs.

The Woman's Day's reporting that Lohan has instructed her people to make her available as some sort of sad kind of special occasion entertainment. She's trying to take jobs away from the hard-working amateur clown, turning up at parties for money. Without any cool tricks up her sleeve, I might add. Not even any balloon animals.

"Lindsay will do birthday parties, bar mitzvahs, weddings, you name it," says the mag, although it does point out she won't actually do anything for the money. Just show her old orange face.

My 30th's coming soon. Note to friends: Lindsay Lohan is NOT what I want.

The precision German knives that you probably can't afford are out for holier-than-thou actress Gwyneth Paltrow with her ‘attempts to educate lowly non-celebs about culture' backfiring.

The NW pays her out, and I quite like their style!

Somehow bestowing herself with the title of the next Martha Stewart, Gwyneth lives such a cultured life that she feels it's her duty to impart the tricks of her wealthy, A-list trade upon us mere mortals. And how does she share these pearls of wisdom? Through her lifestyle newsletter GOOP (no, I don't know what it means either).

Need some shoes? How about a $2500 pair of Roger Vivier pumps? Need a place to stay on your twice-yearly trip to Paris? Take a room at the Ritz, a snip at up to $25,000 a night.

And the NW isn't the only media outlet not to appreciate Gwyneth broadcasting her taste for the finer things in life.

"Critics are telling the snobby starlet to take the silver spoon out of her gob and stick it up her GOOP chute."

Says another: "Why is it called GOOP? Was ‘Learn From Me, You Ungrateful Peasants' already taken?"

Hee.

NW runs a rather narky article about former Home and Away star Isabel Lucas and her ever-rotating bevy of Hollywood boyfriends. The latest? Hairy Cameron Diaz cast-off Jared Leto.

Lucas' new movie Daybreakers sees her star as one of the last surviving humans on earth.

"Lucky it's just a movie - what would Isabel do without all the men around?" snipes the mag.

A US newspaper ran a report a couple of weeks ago that Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are on the rocks, with the all-singing, all-dancing entertainer supposedly rapidly tiring of the actress with the C-list career and the A-list ass.

Now NW's getting in on the act, despite spouting for months that the pair are engaged. The mag seems to be the only ones believing this particular snippet, as in six months I've never seen it reported anywhere else. She wishes! That Jessica Biel would be shouting it from the point of the Eiffel Tower if she managed to convince Justin Timberlake to stick a ring on her finger.

But I digress.

Apparently there's trouble in paradise as "instead of supporting her as she presented a segment of the live Oscars show, Justin went out drinking with a group of women in New York."

Bad boyfriend!

The pair live together in NYC, but instead of bringing the pair closer together Justin ‘has finally had enough of feeling smothered and the way Jess's mood swings wildly between passion and paranoia.'

I give them three more months. You?

Meanwhile, Justin's childhood sweetheart Britney Spears is ‘On Tour and Trapped'
according to the NW. Despite the sexy outfits and red-hot dance routines it says Brit's heart's not in the tour, and word is our favourite comeback performer is more fembot than femme fatale on stage.

"She isn't mentally ready for the stress and strain of a tour," says the mag's source, adding that the scale of the tour is being pushed by her dad Jamie, apparently keener to get his hands on his daughter's cash than foster her emotional wellbeing.

"Jamie's not planning on going anywhere. He's never had access to this kind of money...it's put him on a real power trip. His ego's out of control."

Katie Holmes has had hair extensions put in while in Tokyo, and the mags want to analyse what it all means. Long hair! What does it all mean?

Do you like her new do? I definitely don't hate. The hair looks fake, for sure, but the long hair takes years off her. You forget sometimes that she's only just turned thirty. The price of Xenu sucking all the life out of you.

Woman's Day leads this week with the headline ‘Cruise control: Katie's Conversion Complete'. More about Scientology purification and lessons, diet and dealings, and there's not much you wouldn't have read in one place or another before.

In the week's weird (and sad!) news, Martha Stewart's chow chow puppy, Genghis Khan, was killed in a propane gas explosion while at a local boarding kennel.

Maybe he could meet up for a frolic with Mickey Rourke's Loki in doggy heaven?

And that's all from the mags this week!