Their reasoning for such a salacious tale? The hell-raising pair were snapped ‘sneaking out of the actress' apartment.'

OK, I need more convincing of an illicit one-night stand than two people walking out of the same door in consecutive fashion. Twenty-three-year-old Lily reportedly stayed the night at Lindsay's after a wild night on the town in Hollywood, and word is Lindsay's girl Sam Ronson is not in the least bit happy.

And Sam thought Lindsay chasing after blokes was her number one problem! (Lindsay's apparently also chasing after Gossip Girl star Chace Crawford every time they're in the same city.)

Lil and Linds recently got matching tattoos of the word ‘Sssssh!' on their index fingers, unwittingly copying one which Rihanna got inked on the very same finger last year. I can't figure out why one person would want that particular tattoo, let alone three, but then I'm not young and famous with a lot of time on my hands.

"It's not surprising they get on so well - they both have a very wild and uninhibited approach to life," a source tells the mag.

I rather like Lily Allen as far as celebrity starlets go. Lily, you can kiss Lindsay, but don't get infected with the kiss of death that her career's suffered. I hope it's not catchy!

And that's not the only thing! A paparazzi's up-nostril angle shows a suspicious white powder up Lindsay's schnozz, leading to chatter that the star is back involved with the Devil's Dandruff.

Says a pal: "She's said she never wants to live past 30 because she doesn't want to get old and ugly. She's always wanted to die young like her idol Marilyn Monroe."

Lindsay may only be 22, but several years of hard living have made her look well past thirty. I guess at least she doesn't look as old as little sister Ali, who's 15 going on 45.

Sigh. Those Lohans! Always a whiff of a scandal through the scent of fake tan and Marlboros.

NW also calls out Amy Winehouse as the catalyst in a bizarre lesbian bust-up during her island getaway on St Lucia. Word is ‘Amy was sprung enjoying a near-nude hotel romp by a woman's same-sex partner of nearly four months.'

Said partner fled the island in quite a state, saying to pals later "Amy shouted at me for not joining in. It was a strange night."

To say the least!

Now to news of the wife-unit with the deadest eyes in Hollywood, Ms Katie Holmes. KH features on two of the weekly mag covers, mostly due to the lank-haired, bedraggled appearance the normally stylish star has been sporting round the traps of late.

"She looks like a greyhound," remarked one straight-talking observer in the Weekly.

Let's just lay it out there: I don't feel sorry for Katie. I mean, nobody forced her to marry Tom Cruise and take on all the enthusiastic bells and large-toothed grins which came with the deal. He's not really been good for her career, but piles of money and endless amounts of publicity can't exactly hurt.

I mean, how high was her profile when she was dating that schmuck from American Pie?

NW's in on the act, with the mag reporting that Tom banned Katie from attending the recent Academy Awards as ‘payback' for accepting a new movie role in New York, far away from the family's home base in Beverly Hills.

High profile attendees (and exes) Nicole Kidman and Penelope Cruz, plus the fact that Valkyrie was somehow overlooked for Oscar glory, meant Tom wasn't exactly champing at the bit to attend the awards bash.

I have a husband. He doesn't tell me what I can and can't go to. If he doesn't like the sound of it, he just doesn't come. Tom Cruise is starting to sound like that mean husband out of Sleeping With The Enemy. Just substitute the beating and attempted murder with Xenu and public displays of affection.New Idea leads with ‘Katie Holmes: I Want My Life Back! Family Begs: Get Out Now' while the Weekly opts for ‘What's Wrong With Katie? Inside Her Tragic Decline.'

Dramatic headlines suggest some promising dirt inside, but it's really more of the same: Scientology, strict diet, and religious training. Cue pale, grim face, unhappy parents and a couple more points off Tom Cruise's public approval rating.

Katie must visit Tom's mother and sister every day; report to Tom every day to discuss her religious lessons; prove her dedication to Scientology's ‘moral code;' and ‘compile a list of any potential marital problems, which Tom will then read.'

Of course it could be a whole lot of baloney and Tom Cruise could really be the nicest, most supportive other half since Marge Simpson. But I like to doubt it. That's the nature of the gossip beast.

Hollywood's first lady of nepotism is on the attack! NW reports Tori Spelling has turned Torizilla, terrorising not the skyscrapers of Tokyo, but the fashionistas at NY Fashion Week, spurred on by her ‘hunger-fuelled bad temper.'

Tori, who lost a mind-boggling 22kg since the birth of daughter Stella last June, has reportedly lost an additional 10kg to boot and it's made her grouchy. At the Christian Siriano show in NY Tori didn't get the no-holds-barred VIP treatment, and girl went on the rampage!

Love Christian Siriano. This year's Project Runway's not the same without Christian. Although we do still have Tim Gunn as the saving grace!

Friends say her hissy fit is directly related to her ‘jutting collarbone and concave chest,' and her behaviour isn't winning friends or influencing people on the set of the new 90210 either.

It's a kind of reassuring constant that as much as Tori Spelling gains or loses weight, she never gets any better looking. Sunrise. Sunset. Sunrise. Sunset. Some things you can always depend on.

NW is reporting that pregnant Nicole Richie and boyfriend Joel secretly married in Hawaii over the festive season. Well, the mag promises that. The cover says ‘pregnant and secretly married'. Inside it backtracks, not once mentioning the ‘W' word and saying the pair had a ‘hush-hush commitment ceremony' in Hawaii instead.

It's not like po-tay-to, po-tah-to. They're not the same thing.

But to the baby on board! Word is the coming addition to the Richie-Madden clan is a boy, and his mama-to-be apparently confirmed to a pal.

"Nicole reportedly told a friend, "We went to the doctor right before Fashion Week and I swear I saw a penis!"

Nicole, you certainly did see a penis. That's how you ended up with a baby on the way.

And can I just say Harlow is absolutely adorable! She is right up there on my celebrity baby cuteness index with Henry Klum-Samuel, Zahara Jolie-Pitt and Kingston Rossdale.

Woman's Day is dancing to a different beat than the rest of the mags when it comes to Hollywood's most notorious dumpee, Jennifer Aniston, this week. While the others are plying the tale that Jen is carrying a little Mayer baby, the Day opts for ‘Jen's Heartbreak: Why John's Really Dating Her.'

My guess is because he's a self-serving publicity whore? Too bad Eva Longoria's not single.

And said guess wouldn't be far wrong according to the Day. It says ‘crushing news from a source close to John' is that Mayer has a variety TV show starting in the US and ‘needs to meet celebrities to get guests on his show.'

I'm no card-carrying member of Team Aniston, but I do think she could do better than that floppy-haired douche. Anyone else?

According to the mag John just gave Jennifer a $28 million commitment ring. I'm hoping that's a typo. He brought her a ring that cost seven times his New York apartment? And he doesn't even like her that much?

More like it in the Weekly, which reports the bauble is worth $30k, and ‘engraved with a ‘very romantic' message' to boot.

After the success of Marley & Me and He's Just Not That Into You at the box office, Jen is currently working on a new movie about a woman who gets pregnant through fertility treatment...called The Baster.

Fail! If that title's not enough to put me off, then the premise certainly is.

Various mags reckon Jennifer Aniston was pregnant at the Oscars. I'm assuming through the fact that both she and John at one time have admitted to wanting kids at some stage of their lives.

Take that one with a grain of salt.

Te Kohe Tuhaka and Faye Smythe played Tania and Kingi on Shorto, and the on-screen couple are now an off-screen one. I haven't watched Shortland Street for years, so this doesn't push my buttons gossip-wise. If you're a Shorto fan, the mag boasts three pages of the good-looking couple frolicking in the sun.

"No-one likes her. She has a sense of entitlement that's really off-putting."

- Katherine Heigl is another actress not making friends at work these days.

And that's all from the mags this week!