Host Hugh Jackman knows he's not a comedian, so wisely left the funny bits to the funny people and stuck to what he does best - showtunes! And the funny people were pretty good on the whole. Tina Fey and Steve Martin, good! Seth Rogen and James Franco, good! Jennifer Aniston and Jack Black - not so much. But we'll get to Ms Aniston. She'll keep. Does that sound ominous? I didn't mean it to.

On the BFM breakfast show this morning someone did observe that Jackman's undeniable Ocker influence left the presenter on the verge of ‘sounding like he was about to raffle off a meat pack.' (Hee!) The Sydney Morning Herald declared that "some of his patter was akin to open mic night at Hurlstone Park RSL, but he had the charm to carry it off."

Now I'm not Hugh Jackman's (I can never say that name without thinking of someone with a Huge Ackman) greatest fan. But if an individual can keep an auditorium full of movie-types relatively entertained and not let the proceedings drag on too long (things were done in around three and a half hours) then that person should be applauded. It's not an easy job.

Musicals aren't really my thing, but I didn't mind Hugh Jackman's song and dance routine. Bit earnest, a bit cheesy, and I did roll my eyes on more than one occasion - but hey! It is Hollywood, after all.

Watch the clip here.

I heard Beyonce lip-synched her part, and her camp hasn't denied that either. She also managed to throw Etta James' ‘At Last' into the mix, which cheesed the old diva off no end when she sang it at the Obama inauguration. Does this mean war, Beyonce?

My friend Mel reckoned Beyonce's flashy sequined leotard with the dangly bits down the middle made her look like she was wearing a ‘glittery merkin.' Ha!

Now I hate to say it because I love me some Beyonce, but girl's red carpet frock was one of the worst the other night. The cut of it made her look like a walking talking, curvy vase. A good thing. The shiny gold on black fabric looked liked brocade on a cheap cushion, or the curtains at a tacky, opium den-esque bar. A bad thing. Great shape, shite fabric.

I was not in the least surprised when I discovered it was made by House of Dereon, her mother's arsey fashion label. Beyonce! Surely your mum would understand if you want to hit it out of the park on the biggest red carpet of the year. There are plenty of proper designers with plenty of beautiful frocks to choose from. Please leave the House of Dereon clothes to Solange in future. That is all.

Jessica Biel wasn't far behind Beyonce, looking questionable for the second year running. Does Oscar run a three strikes, you're out policy? Jessica's boyfriend, a certain Justin Timberlake, is an up and coming fashion designer (as well as singer-rather bad actor-restauranteur) and just showed his William Rast collection at New York Fashion Week. Yet his girlfriend heads down the red carpet wearing what looked like a posh sanitary pad. Fail, Jessica Biel. Fail.

But there were dresses I loved! Loved Benjamin Button's Taraji P. Henson in Cavalli. Loved Penelope Cruz (she's gone with this look before, but it works. And a sixty year old dress!) Loved Natalie Portman in pink (could she be any more gorgeous?); Marisa Tomei (true glamour); Amy Adams (loved, loved loved her necklace); and Marion Cotillard (embodying the cliché of chic French women).

And Tilda Swinton! You're never gonna catch this woman in a frou-frou evening frock, but her Lanvin outfit was striking, individual and so perfect for her. And, in the end, isn't Hollywood all about standing out from the crowd?

Didn't the blokes look particularly good this year? It's not always easy to rock a suit, but luckily for us ladies quite a few of them managed it. Robert Downey Jr. (he's looking so young!), Josh Brolin (I am a recent, if enthusiastic convert), James Franco (swoon!), Sean Penn, even a bearded Adrien Brody. Men, we salute you!

Sarah Jessica Parker wasn't a winner for me. The woman has little boobies. What was wrong with her dress that they were shoved up to her neck, Posh Spice-style? I saw her and husband Matthew Broderick talking to Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet. I didn't really believe the rumours of marital strife beforehand, but I am now converted. I believe! She snapped at him, he made it plainly obvious he didn't want to be there, and the whole debacle couldn't help but add fuel to the gossip fire.

To the Jolie-Pitt-Aniston love triangle!

Jennifer was not the best while presenting with Jack Black. But in her defence, neither was he. She looked petrified, and was up there for what seemed like an age, out to pasture just metres from her ex and his new missus. Turns out Jennifer (who avoided the red carpet) and date John Mayer were seated only 12 seats away from the Brange! Needless to say, their paths didn't cross.

Jen stuck tight with Mayer at the after-parties, indulging in a bit of kissy kissy, huggy huggy, played it up for the cameras behind the scenes. She looked good, and seemed happy. Yes, you could argue that it was overly forced for a certain couple's benefit, but since I wasn't there I couldn't possibly say. But we can all speculate!

Angie and Brad, were, well, Angie and Brad. She snobbed Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet again, and her dress was rather uninspired. Pretty, but ho-hum.

And for you gossiphounds who thought something suspicious was up when Best Actor winner Sean Penn didn't thank wife Robin in his speech, you can relax. The couple had sussed this out beforehand so Sean could spend more time speaking about gay rights and his experience working on Milk.

Watch Sean Penn's Oscar acceptance speech here

Click here for our blow-by-blow Oscars coverage.

The rocky road to a Foxy romance

In news that even Stevie Wonder could have seen coming, the engagement of hot-to-trot Transformers star and lads' mag fave Megan Fox and 90210 has-been Brian Austin Green is over. The pair had been together for five years, and got engaged in late 2006.

Her career is on the up! His is, er, not. They've trotted out the ‘amicable split' and ‘remaining friends' lines, but those in the know report that this romance was on the downward slide for quite some time.

She's 23. He's 35. They must have hooked up when he was 30 and she was 17! Eeeewwww. Lots of my guy friends are 30 and if one of them came out with a girl that was born in 1992 (!!!!) rest assured he would get no end of grief. Even if she did look like Megan Fox.

Now Megan, whose next blockbuster flick Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is released later this year is young, gorgeous and single.

So who would be a brilliant new boyfriend for Foxy? She's already been linked with Transformers co-star Shia LaBeouf. If she wants take up with the boyfriend du jour of the Hollywood starlet, she could go for Benji Madden. If the eyeliner-heavy actor-turned-musician is more her bag, I'd suggest Jared Leto? If she wants a touch of the crazy, Joaquin Phoenix?

Oh, hold the phone.

What about Billy Bob Thornton? Billy Bob is perfect! The Angelina Jolie wannabe could hook up with the Angelina Jolie ex! I mean, I think he has a girlfriend, but in true Angelina style Megan shouldn't let that stop her, haha. Imagine the headlines!

Billy Bob for Megan 4eva!

Two people who are planning on getting hitched in the future are Rachel Bilton and Hayden Christensen, who got engaged in December. I hope they have more chemistry in real life than they did in that turd of a movie they did together, Jumper.

Mischa does an Eva

Unemployed actress Mischa Barton has taken to her blog to hit out at the press coverage she says has been erupting over her body weight.

"So lately there's been a lot of crazy press about my weight and just so you guys know I'm happier and healthier than ever so there is no need to worry about me," writes the 23-year-old actress. "Things are really well in Mischa world and I've just been watching what I eat.

"I still love my pilates and yoga, and have cut out fatty foods a bit. My time in India and Paris really just helped me lose a little bit of weight but there's nothing drastic going on!"

Er, Mischa. Nobody was talking about your weight in the first place. Admittedly the girl has got very thin, very fast of late (compare a photo of her now with one from around six months ago), but I don't think anyone considers that it's all down to pilates and yoga.

Or considered it at all? To be concerned about your weight, we'd all have to be concerned about you. Or are you just drumming up publicity for yourself by refuting rumours that don't exist, a la Eva Longoria Parker and pregnancy?

"I appreciate the concern," continues Barton. "I just wish the press wouldn't harbour on it as I think it's very unhealthy for young girls to read about and pay attention to. To my female fans: Just be happy and secure with yourself and don't let other people's perceptions of you dictate the way you live your life."

Thanks Mischa. You can get off the Jessica Simpson bandwagon now.

Spotted

Val Kilmer marshalling a Mardi Gras parade in New Orleans...Matthew McConaughey, girlfriend Camila Alves, Kevin Spacey and Gisele Bundchen all enjoying the Carnival festivities in Rio de Janeiro...Katie Holmes on location for her new movie ‘The Extra Man' in New York City...Kim Kardashian getting a pedicure in Beverly Hills...Slumdog Millionaire's Dev Patel leaving the Four Seasons Hotel in Beverly Hills...Mr T arriving at London's Heathrow airport...Kate Winslet landing at New York's JFK airport with her Oscar in tow...Robin Wright Penn and son Hopper boarding a plane in Los Angeles...