Read on, gossip lovers, and you'll find that the split in question is not of the marital kind, but simply a distance one. David is dead keen to stay playing football in Milan, where he's had a few fab football-related weeks, instead of stuck in the long contract he signed with the LA Galaxy. The Galaxy's five-year, $350 million contract must have looked good on paper - but now his team stinks and as his form slumped in the US, Beckham is keen to get back to the crème de la crème of football.

Which doesn't sit well with his skinny wife. Victoria's fuming with the thought that her husband wants her to pack up shop and move to Italy, as she loves it in the US of A. Would Victoria choose life in Los Angeles over her husband? The mag reckons Posh earned $493 million last year. What? She can't possibly have sold that many jeans.

Things must be dire. According to the mag, Victoria was spotted "toting the same Dolce and Gabbana handbag she'd had on her arm almost three years earlier."

That must be a sign of the apocalypse. Hold me!

I don't mind Victoria Beckham, but everyone knows that Becks is the one with the talent in that family. Posh, you can make overpriced clothes anywhere. Katie Holmes doesn't seem to like you that much anymore. You love fashion, and Milan is one of the best places for couture. I understand the not uprooting her kids argument...but they're young. They'll adapt. They'd be close to England, and it couldn't be the worst thing for your kids to learn bits and pieces of another language while they're little, could it?

And let's face it, there'd be plenty of Italian signorinas waiting to get on Beckham like crema on an espresso. Mrs Beckham, pack your expensive suitcases, live it up in Italy and keep your eye on your man! Los Angeles will always be there.

Anyways, all Victoria's fretting could be in vain. The latest is that the European transfer deadline has passed and the Galaxy says David must return to the City of Angels. But the Italian club's pockets are deep, and they're keen to keep Becks on. I'll keep you posted.

As an aside, apparently Becks' ‘alleged' former fancywoman Rebecca ‘Loose' Loos is expecting a baby! With a Norwegian doctor.

There's a little Lomu on the scene! From the comments I've had on the blog previously, you lot aren't a fan of burly former footy player Jonah Lomu and his inconsistent love life. But girlfriend Nadene Quirk (they've been together a year) gave birth to a baby last week in Wellington. TVNZ said on Friday it's a boy. The Weekend Herald reported it was girl. Herald on Sunday says a boy, so does Woman's Day; while New Idea says it's a little lady Lomu. You know how to tell the difference, right, guys? Boys have a penis, etc. etc.

Jonah has reportedly said it's a boy, so let's go with that. What we do know is little Lomu weighed an eye popping 5.4kg. Holy birth canal! That's a big baby. There's also a bit of quibble over spelling of the baby's name, Braylee or Brayley. Either way, it wouldn't be one on my short list - but it's not my kid, is it?

After two failed marriages and an engagement, let's hope this one lasts for Jonah - he's gone and got ‘Nadene' tattooed up the back of one massive forearm. I don't know what word you could tattoo over that if it all went kaput.

Toothy Target host and club owner Brooke Howard-Smith and beauty queen Amber Peebles got hitched a couple of weeks ago, and the Woman's Day wants all y'all to know about it. They even tagged their cover teaser ‘On Target!' Sure then next week's spread on Joe Cotton will be ‘True Bliss' and Martin Crowe and Lorraine Downes' will have some cheese about ‘Bowling the maiden over.' Or Martin slipping her the googly. Scrub that one! Horrid visuals.

Anyways, Amber wore a white hood (not the Ku Klux Klan kind) and had lots of bridesmaids. Brooke's suit had a bit of a sheen to it, and they both look super dooper happy.

Yay! I love weddings.

Jennifer Aniston's 40th has come and gone, and I'd say if girlfriend got engaged to John Mayer she would have been shouting it from every rooftop in Los Angeles. So far, no announcement. What Jen did have was an extravagant knees up at her Beverly Hills home to celebrate four decades. Three hundred fancy ass guests, a Thai theme, weeks and weeks of prep. You know the drill.

The Weekly reports that Mayer composed a song for Jen's birthday, but it's ultra, mega private and no-one's allowed to hear it. Ever.

Even though Aniston has reportedly found love with John Mayer, the mag also reports that she just can't get over the Pitt. She admits that she's taped and saved Brad's old phone messages, and sometimes still sleeps in his old t-shirts. And yes, this woman stars in a movie called He's Just Not That Into You. Let it go, missus! If this is true, it's just sad. And I don't mean in a lame way, but an actual sad way. Okay, maybe a touch of the lame way too. But mostly sad.

Has the octo-mummy had plastic surgery to look like St Angelina of Jolie? Have a look in the Day and make up your mind. Nadya Suleman won't have much time to think about her looks, not with 14 kids under the age of 7, one three-bedroomed house, no partner, and potentially 250 nappy changes and 320 feeds a week. Even grandma is throwing in the puke-stained towel, and moving out when mummy and the eight babies - Josiah, McCai, Maliah, Nariah, Isaiah, Jeremiah, Noah and Jonah - come home from the hospital.

The real Angie this week flew from Thailand to London for the BAFTAs, lost, ate a curry, and lost her diamond earrings. No babies were conceived. That is all.

Usher's wife Tameka Raymond found herself in a serious condition in a Brazilian hospital last week after nipping off down to South America for some sneaky lipo. The mother of Usher's two sons went into cardiac arrest when anaesthetic was administered, and staff had to put her in a coma. All that, and she didn't even get the lipo in the end! The lard remains. Just thank your lucky stars you didn't end up like Donda West, Mrs Usher.

Who else is in Brazil and suddenly looking trim? Dum dum dum...it's Tommy Cruise! And holidaying on the private island of a famous plastic surgeon, no less. Coincidence? I'll leave you to make up your own minds.

The Weekly makes the vacationing Cruises its cover story for the week, reporting that his younger, hotter wife (who is slowly shaking that creepy vibe of a fifty-year-old, martini-swilling matriarch) has driven Tom to feel the burn. Once more in an Arnold Schwarzenegger style: feel de burn!

Apparently being offered roles where he ‘sat at a desk or ran the store' instead of the leading man offended Tom's sense of vanity, and the star now has "abdominal muscles rippling where once a comfortable paunch was building."

NW calls the Cruises recent venture down the Brazilian way (not that kind of Brazilian!) a make or break holiday for the family. Mrs Cruise has apparently given the old man an ultimatum to make their marriage work, or else!

She's not having another baby this year, she wants more say in how daughter Suri is raised, and she's not moving back to Los Angeles

"Katie's had it with Tom telling her what to do," says a friend. "She's even wearing heels again!"

Go Katie! Santa must have brought her a backbone a couple of months back.

New Idea leads with Kate Middleton, who always puts me in a snoozy state. Or is that a case of first day back from holiday 3:30-itis? No, I think it's Kate. Apparently William is bombarding her with romance from his air force training, and his amorous calls and texts have her comparing him to a "modern-day William Shakespeare."

I can't really imagine how Shakespeare by the way of the royal family would go. "Shall I compare one to a summer's day?"

Apparently Kate's mastered the art of the "suggestive-but-not-too-rude-text." Damn, I miss Chelsy. She would have had more than one saucy text message in her repertoire.

Is Chris Brown's career over? New Idea reports three American radio stations have dumped his music from their playlists, and he's been axed from advertisements for Wrigleys and milk.

In fact, all the mags run stories on the Rihanna and Chris Brown scandal. You won't learn too much more from what you read last week, but New Idea reports Rihanna may need plastic surgery and had to cancel her 21st. He's due back in court in March, after being charged with making criminal threats and currently under investigation for domestic battery.

NW runs a story this week reporting someone pinched Britney's old diaries, and it's juicy. If true. Let's, for gossip's sake, say it is. They report Britney had a secret abortion after getting pregnant to a Louisiana man after she broke up with Justin Timberlake, that's she's heard voices in her head for years, and that on the night of her infamous head-shaving she was convinced someone had planted an electronic bug in her hair.

Saturday Night Fever! Bee Gee Robin Gibb has welcomed a baby with his live-in housekeeper, to the dismay of his celibate lesbian wife - with whom he has a son. She's rather annoyed, despite the pair having an open marriage. Confused? Me too!

The Day has hilarious photos of 18-year-old Slumdog Millionaire star Dev Patel getting manhandled by Sharon Stone! We all know Sharon likes a toyboy, but this is getting ridiculous. Dev, to his credit, was quite pleased with the whole affair.

"She was chasing me around earlier, slapping me," he later told a British paper.

Paris Hilton fronted up to Paul McCartney at the Grammys with a great idea in her blonde head - a proposal for a duet! "I'm a singer too!" she told the bemused Beatle. Surprisingly, he really didn't want to commit on the spot. Or when hell freezes over, probably.

"I need to know what kind of grooming patterns are popular nowadays."

- Jenny McCarthy admits she reads Playboy for its pubic stylings.

And that's all from the mags this week!