I know what you're thinking - how could they possibly be running such different stories about the same people, when they're relying on rock-solid sources like 'a friend' and 'a close source'? Excuse me while I snigger.

But the rumour mill's gotta keep churning, and as long as it does, we'll be rummaging through the debris so you don't have to.

The young royals feature prominently this week. First up is Princess Eugenie, Fergie's youngest, who's got quite the party girl reputation around London town. "Royal rebel!" scream the headlines in the Woman's Weekly. Far from being a pompous princess, Eugenie's a fan of frolicking naked with her old school friends and visiting strip joints.

Apparently she's got a rapier wit, too. It seems Prince William greeted her at a function with a cheery, "Hey, Euge... Oh my God, you've grown boobs at last." She shot back "Yes, and you've got no hair."

Burn! Okay, it's not exactly the most sophisticated humour, but it's funny cos it's true.

By the way, does anyone else find it completely inappropriate that Wills remarked on Eugenie's boobs in the first place? I guess royal families do have a tradition of marrying their cousins, though, so maybe it wasn't as creepy for her.

Technically Chelsy Davy doesn't count as a young royal, seeing as she's only Harry's ex-girlfriend, but she's more interesting than the official ones. Most of the mags are running the same story: that the pair are still in love but the timing's wrong, and that she's been out drowning her sorrows at a number of London hotspots, but nothing's dulling the heartache (even the crowds of ready and willing young studs). New Idea, however, reckons she dumped him after he blabbed about their sex life in graphic detail.

Newly single Madonna gets a pasting this week for her latest relationship - not A-Rod, but Brazilian model Jesus Luz. New Idea and Woman's Day are particularly harsh, calling her 'an embarrassment to herself' and 'desperate' for hooking up with him. Okay, he's less than half her age, but give the woman a break. If she was a guy she'd get a round of applause from you hypocrites!

It's not sounding good for Posh and Becks. The Weekly, NW and Woman's Day are all running stories on the hard decision the couple faces as David mulls a permanent contract with football team AC Milan. Posh is loving LA and doesn't want to uproot the boys from school, but David's dead-set on staying on in Italy, where he's on a temporary loan from LA Galaxy.

Well, at least if they leave La-la-land there's another Brit couple ready to take their place - Jordan and Peter Andre have made the move to the US. Peter's planning to resurrect his music career (nooo!) and Jordan, aka Katie Price, is planning to promote her merchandise and take drama lessons.

Worse than that, she wants to make a musical, and is planning to talk to Andrew Lloyd Webber about it. Anyone who's heard her live performance of "A Whole New World" will be clawing at their eardrums at the mere thought of a Jordan musical.

Er, by the way, she does know Lloyd Webber lives in London, right? Just checking.

There's the usual claptrap about Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer. Will he propose on her birthday in two days time? Will he propose in time for the Oscars, as Woman's Day is predicting? Or is she still under the "love curse" New Idea is still spouting on about? Put your answers on a postcard and send them anywhere but here, because we just don't care any more.

If you want any proof of how any event can be manipulated by the paparazzi, take a look at the TomKat stories in the magazines this week after the Cruise family went on holiday in Brazil.

New Idea and Woman's Weekly have decided to go upbeat - look at them in their pretty frocks (well, not Tom), out and about in the sunshine! What a romantic reunion! How magical their life is! They're so in love and all their troubles are over and they're going to have lots and lots more babies for Suri to play with.

Now we move on to Woman's Day: "Frail Katie's holiday hell" details how their holiday has "failed to reignite their relationship". The holiday was a disaster, Tom made them travel everywhere by helicopter and there was no time to relax, and no one would leave them alone, apparently.

The best bit? The photos in all three magazines are almost exactly the same, but the last lot are all the shots the paps caught when the Cruises weren't smiling for the camera - caught mid-sentence, for example, or looking down, so they look grumpy and tired. Having said that, check out this pic of them at the German premiere of Valkyrie - that's not the picture of a happy couple. I think she's trying to shoot laser beams at him from her eyeballs.

NW obviously didn't get the Brazil pictures in time, so their weekly update on the Cruises has them living separate lives, with Katie accepting movie roles in New York without telling Tom. Sneaky!

Now that the holidays are over, it's time for a new crop of TV shows. New Kiwi drama Go Girls is getting a lot of attention, with profiles on the cast in both New Idea and the Weekly.

Then there's the 2009 series of Dancing With The Stars - check Woman's Day for the new lineup.

And with Home and Away turning 21 this year, there's plenty of fodder for fans of the Aussie soap: NZWW has the goss on the real-life romance between Roman and Charlie, and New Idea has an interview with Ray Meagher who plays the beloved Alf, complete with a dictionary of Alf-isms. Stone the flamin' crows!

Quick tidbits: Colin Farrell and Salma Hayek caught smooching, Kate Moss wants to be an actress, Doug Howlett and his wife are expecting baby number two, Jess is 'too fat' and Lindsay's 'too skinny'.