Now Jessica emerges in public wearing these high-waisted atrocities while performing at the Kiss Country Chilli Cookout in Pembroke Pines, Florida. Hold up. She's worked with Willie Nelson and Dolly Parton, and, er, Nick Lachey - and she's reduced to singing ‘These Boots Are Made For Walkin'' at a chilli cookout? The kind Homer Simpson would go to? Sigh. The gods are not being kind to Jess.

And if that wasn't enough - those jeans. Those jeans! I know I made a big hoo-ha about Katie Holmes wearing Tom Cruise's baggy peg leg pair around New York last year, and it's only January, but these have already taken the title of worst celeb jeans of the year. If not the decade, is that a bit overboard? I don't think so.

Jessica Simpson attempted the high waisted trousers once last year on a night out in New York, and they were a resounding failure back then. The only person who would look good in these trousers is Kate Moss, and that's still a judgment call. Friends don't let friends wear pants like this. Does Jessica have no friends? She looks like a blue saveloy!

No, I don't think Jessica's fat. At all. She's got a beautiful body. But why on earth in the name of all that is good and holy would she squeeze herself into those high waisted jeans? This is just a horrible, horrible outfit.

And Jess, Shania Twain called from her ‘Man! I Feel Like A Woman' phase of the mid nineties. She wants her belt back.

Mean comments have been floating around on line regarding these, let's face it, rather unflattering pics. Bloggers have compared Jess to Kirstie Alley and Queen Latifah.

That's ridiculous. She is not overweight. The girl hasn't got an eating disorder, but they're going the right way about giving her one.

She's a beautiful girl, and there's no disputing that, but why would she do her body such a tragic disservice?

Where is Ken Paves when you need him? Mind you, I have my suspicions that Jess' best friend and hairdresser is more hindrance than help.

Her hair often looks arsey, and this do which he gave Eva Longoria Parker for the SAGs was nothing short of a disaster. Provincial beauty queen meets fifth form social do. Do pause a minute and pay tribute to all the cans of hairspray which lost their lives in the name of this hair travesty.

Jolie-Pitt mania descends on Japan

Weirdly, just days after more than one of the local women's mags ran stories on the Jolie-Pitt twins, Vivienne and Knox, and why they haven't been seen out with their famous parents since starring in the most expensive baby photo shoot ever - lo and behold! The twosome turned up at Tokyo's Narita airport with mummy, daddy, and siblings Maddox, Pax, Zahara and Shiloh. A full deck of Jolie-Pitts! And the pictures are everywhere.

Vivienne looks exactly like Shiloh did as a baby! It's uncanny. Those two could pass for twins if Shiloh could go back in time a couple of years. Brother Knox, riding high on daddy Brad's chest, is almost too cute in his little newsboy cap which matches his father's. Maybe it's not been long enough since I saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, but when I see Knox with an old man-style hat on I can't help but see Benjamin Button as a baby with that creepy old man face.

But they are suitably gorgeous, as one would expect. It's so rare that the whole family travels together that I'm sure anyone who dawdled in front of them on the escalator or attempted to jump the queue at baggage claim was dazzled into submission by their supreme showing of genes.

I partially subscribe to the theory that the emergence of the blessed twins in the midst of their parents' respective Oscar campaigns is no coincidence. Remember, these two have six kids. Everything they do has to be planned with military precision.

And Shiloh's SO grown up. And wearing little Adidas trainers! I am a total sucker for kids' size trainers.

The family J-P are in Tokyo for Angelina to promote Changeling, two days after their appearance at the Screen Actors Guild awards. Where Angelina wore another beautiful, but baggy and nondescript dress. Do you think she's saving up something special for the Oscars? I hope so.

I do wonder sometimes how those little kids adjust to all this globe trotting. I don't come right for a few days after any long-haul flight, and I'm pushing 30 and don't do them that often. It must be hard on toddlers. And Maddox J-P is seven. Do they have a tutor travel with them, or does he just miss school when the family departs on these jaunts?

I know the couple are in the headlines daily more often than not, but there's been a particularly interesting story floating round the traps for the last few days. Mickey Brett was Angelina's long-time security man before she hooked up with Brad, and for a couple of years afterwards. Brett was let go by the couple last year, and is reportedly shopping around for a tell-all book deal on the famous couple.

Mickey never signed a confidentiality agreement, and is set to spill the beans on life as part of the Brad and Ange show. Now that I would want to read.

He was the guy who came running in Kenya during the early stages of the Jolie-Pitt romance upon hearing the screams of wild animals coming from the couple's private bungalow. Turns out it was just the noise of Angie and Brad doing the business.

Matt Damon hits out at 007

Brad and Angie's pal Matt Damon is known for his charitable work, but he couldn't keep up the charade of compassion when quizzed about the difference between his wildly successful on-screen action hero, Jason Bourne, and the classic silver screen spy, 007.

"They could never make a James Bond movie like any of the Bourne films," Damon told the Miami Herald. "Because Bond is an imperialist, misogynist sociopath who goes around bedding women and swilling martinis and killing people. He's repulsive."

Hmmmm. Jason Bourne kills a lot of people. And bedding women and swilling martinis sound like quite pleasant chores for any red-blooded male. And Bond wears the hell out of a suit (yes, take a bow Daniel Craig). Does Damon have a touch of the green-eyed monster lurking?

In the same interview Damon reveals he and wife Luciana turned down tickets to the Obama inauguration last week - because they were going for $25,000 a head. Perhaps they could have taken Mariah Carey's place?

Mimi reportedly got in a diva-sized huff when she realised she was sat with run of the mill celebs - like Jay-Z, Beyonce, Alicia Keys, Jon Bon Jovi, and Bruce Springsteen - in the VIP section at the Obama inauguration. Mariah wanted better, presumably up on stage with Michelle, Malia and Sasha, wearing a tiara and surrounded by puppy dogs, rainbows, and a Hello Kitty backdrop.

"Somehow she thought she'd be up with the Obama family. When she realized she wasn't, she bailed," reports the San Francisco Chronicle. Never mind that little issue of watching history in the making and that.

Another piece of evidence to add to the list of why Mariah Carey Is Completely And Utterly Deluded. Good luck with that, Nick Cannon. She's yours to deal with now.

Jay wants Mohr of Cox

You might have heard of actor Jay Mohr. The 38-year-old actor has appeared in last year's movie Street Kings, Go, Jerry Maguire, and was a regular on Saturday Night Live in the mid-nineties.

Just over two years ago, Jay Mohr married bit-part actress Nikki Cox. They're still together. So much so, in fact, that Jay has legally petitioned to take his wife's surname. He will herein be known as Jay Cox Mohr. She is Nikki Cox Mohr. Traditionally I though you put the other person's surname after your own, but I guess he couldn't be Jay Mohr Cox now, could he?

Hee.

By the way, you are not the only one who looked at that picture of the happy couple and wondered what on God's good earth is up with Mrs Cox Mohr's mouth? I shudder to think.

Spotted

Hugh Jackman and wife Deborra-Lee Furness hailing a cab in NYC...Keira Knightley striking a pose with Karl Lagerfeld at the Chanel show at Paris Fashion Week. Also spotted at fashion week: Bond girl Olga Kurylenko, Dita von Teese, Mischa Barton, and Kanye West...Maggie Gyllenhaal unveiling the new Fisher-Price Precious Planet baby collection at Central Park Zoo in New York...Paris Hilton in London pimping her new TV show, Paris Hilton's British Best Friend...Shane Warne in the stands at the Australian Open tennis in Melbourne...Tom Cruise posing with fans at the premiere of Valkyrie in Russia...