A smoky-eyed, suspicious looking Victoria Beckham graces the front of the Woman's Day this week, which trumpets her supposed ‘fury' at ‘David's New Woman.' Said woman is Roberta Armani, the niece of Giorgio, who's just paid both the Beckhams megabucks to pose in the undies for his fashion design house.

Is that why Victoria's been rocking the mac and sunglasses look? She's been spying on David's perky ass, dressed like a cartoon espionage agent.

The Day says Victoria's all in a panic that David's time in Milan could lead him in to another ‘Rebecca Loos situation.' Since neither of them admit that anything happened between Becks and the woman whose surname is also a remarkably apt adjective for her behaviour, then surely she has nothing to worry about? Oh right, maybe she's worried about people ‘making up' nasty rumours again.

Tell me this, is there anyone around who believes Becks didn't cheat on Posh with Rebecca Loos? I'd imagine it'd be around the same proportion of people who think that OJ didn't do it.

Roberta has been David's tour guide through Milan, and does seem to have those dark-haired, dark-eyed Italian good looks. And she looks like she eats! There's one up on Victoria right there.

Yes, there are photos of the pair smiling at each other. And kissing. On the cheek. The scandal!

The mag also says Victoria underwent a boob job last July "after an expert commented that her old implants were sitting too far above her natural breast line." I'll say! That pair were like two honeydews rolling around on an ironing board.

And while Victoria's existence revolves around maintaining her whippet-thin figure, her husband of almost ten years thinks she should chill out a bit on the diet front.

"The only picture David has always kept in his wallet is the photo of him and Victoria on the day they got engaged. It drives her mad because she thinks she looks like a huge porker in that photo."

Mamma Mia! The young co-stars of the phenomenally popular ABBA musical flick, which everyone seems to have seen and loved, except me, are now an item. An ABBA musical sounds like my idea of hell on earth.

It seems the music of the 70s era Swedes and working in the idyllic Greek islands was a recipe for romance for Dominic Cooper and Amanda Seyfried - but the pair left Dominic's girlfriend of 12 years in the dust.

Joanna Carolan spills in the New Idea about saying goodbye to her movie star fella. "He was never going to stop seeing her and he didn't want to end it with me, so I told him he had to go. I've cried a lot of tears and have woken up to the reality that the future I wanted is never going to happen."

Sniff!

NW has pics of Kylie and her Spanish lover on holiday in the French resort town of Chamonix. It may be snowy around, but Andres Velencoso Segura is caliente! I suspect these may be snaps of their New Year's holiday, which have been a tad slow to surface.

Kylie is so wee! It's well known how small the singer is, but it's still a shock to see pics of everybody's favourite Aussie next to her lanky lover. She's not even up to his shoulders! And in another shot she has to stand on tiptoe to give him a peck on the cheek. But since when did a foot or two of height get in the way of true love?

He's ten years younger. She's met the parents. And he's not adverse to a bit of nudie modelling, in which the end result is rather favourable. (This you won't find in the mags, but try Googling if you're interested).

If anyone deserves a happy ending, it's Kylie. I'm still on my one-woman campaign to get her together with Rove McManus, but could Andres be the fella for her? A story in the Weekly reports that Kylie's mates have their doubts about the Spanish hottie.

"While he's a great guy, I think she has a guy feeling that he is not going to be a keeper," says an insider. Check out the photo montage of Kylie's past loves, and have a titter at Jason Donovan's ‘80s mullet! That never gets old.

New Idea leads this week with the official wedding pics from the marriage of Shane Cortese and Nerida Jantti. Both blonde and beaming, the pair pose for snaps with and without cutie son Kees.

New Idea has six pages of sanctioned pics, with the editor getting an invite to the nuptials. The Day has the sneaky unofficial pics of guests coming and going and Georgina Beyer having a fag on the balcony.

The pair married at Avalon's Wellington studios, where Dancing With The Stars is filmed, and the nuptials boasted celebs from DWTS and Outrageous Fortune aplenty.

Shane admitted to tearing up upon the arrival of his bride. "I've been thinking about my wedding day for a long time. Any guy who says that they don't is just being macho."

Is Kate Winslet laying the smack down on Angelina Jolie? I'd love to say yes, but I think the answer is no.

Perhaps a bit tired of using the old Ange vs Jen feud to sell mags, the Woman's Day attempts to start one between the fabulous Kate Winslet and Ms Jolie. Winslet called the hallowed Jolie-Pitts ‘a walking soap opera' in an interview with a UK newspaper. I read it, and she did. But it's true! After forgetting Angie's name at the Golden Globes! Brangeloonies may be wondering why Kate refuses to bow down at the hallowed altar of J-P, but I really think it's a storm in a green tea cup.

It's an interview about fame and the two stars' different attitudes to parenting. Kate's kids get a half past seven bed time and a regular routine. Angie's get Berlin one day, New Orleans the next. You may not agree with one or the other, but po-tay-to, po-tah-to.

New Idea is also on the Angie-Brad gossip train (let's face it, who isn't?) and their angle is ‘Why They're Hiding The Twins.' Dum dum dum! But there's no scandal here. Apparently the babies are sickly, having been struck down by ‘a succession of bugs and viruses' and have been squirreled away from their older sibs for their health. Is the family's jet-setting lifestyle to blame?

NW leads this week supermodels who say they're not too fat for the catwalk. I know you have to be super skinny Minnie to work the runways - but if these girls are fat, I am Jabba the Hut! Or the Goodyear blimp. Figuratively. Don't agree with me too heartily.

Karolina Kurkova got close to getting the boot from Victoria's Secret for her, er, booty, the mag reports. She's been attacked by the Brazilian press for having "back fat, love handles and cellulite," while gorgeous Aussie Gemma Ward has been getting stick for being less than stick-thin on her recent summer holiday. Even Simon Cowell, himself apparently the model of male perfection, commented that Kate Moss has a ‘tummy' recently.

Always the model of a stable romance, DJ Sam Ronson is showing girlfriend Lindsay Lohan that thin is definitely in. "Sam loves being super skinny. She's disgusted by overweight people and prefers Lindsay to be super lean too." Very constructive if you have a girlfriend with a history of eating disorders.

Is John Mayer cooling on Jennifer Aniston since she's insisting on an iron clad pre-nup? Are Blake Lively and Penn Badgely making some Gossip of their own, planning a shotgun wedding? And see rather horrid yet hypnotising pictures of actor Verne Troyer, aka Mini-Me, dressed up like a tiny teddy! It's all in the NW.

Susan Wood's second marriage is over, and she announces it from the front of the Womans' Weekly. Spread over four pages in the brand new pad that she built with her builder husband before they called it quits, Susan talks life, love, and an emptying nest. It's a nod to the Hello!-mag style journalism so prevalent in the UK.

She looks trim and relaxed anyway, so maybe singledom suits her.

John Cleese's new girlfriend spills the beans on his bits and pieces in the Weekly, saying "he's in good shape where it matters." It's shame on Barbie Orr's name, then, for trying to tell dupe the public into believing that she's 27 and born in 1981. A British paper has found out otherwise, however, and spilled the beans from Barbie's birth certificate which proves she's really 45. 1981! She must have thought Cleese, and the rest of the world, wouldn't be wearing their collective glasses when they looked at her.

See the article here and then wonder, like I did, how girlfriend dreamed up that she could pass off her mummified hands and crow's feet as someone who was born in the eighties. 1981!

And that's all from the mags this week!