So I decided onwards and upwards, to quit living in the past and all that, and have condensed most of the second half of 2008 into a super dooper bumper edition blog. Then we can get on with the interesting stuff on the gossip horizon, like the frock on the red carpet this Hollywood awards season and how if Paris Hilton keeps saying she's not a ho, somehow she thinks people will believe her.
Enjoy!
Summer holidays took a Reservoir Dogs-style turn for curvy Hairspray cutie Nikki Blonsky in August. Blonsky was arrested after an argument about departure lounge seats at the airport turned into an all out brawl.
What began as a war of words turned into a full on smackdown with former America's Next Top Model contestant Bianca Golden and her family. Bianca and Nikki were both arrested and bailed for assault, while Nikki's dad Carl remained banged up in an Antigua jail charged with grievous bodily harm. Bianca's mum had to be airlifted to Miami suffering a cracked skull and a broken nose.
Nikki turned up to court in a neck brace later in the week, which makes me suspect Bianca got the upper hand. I don't doubt it. Blonsky may have the bulk, but those mouthy girls from Queens always look like they could fight dirty. Like Nanny Fine off The Nanny. Those acrylic nails could really do some damage.
There's a clip of the fight's aftermath doing the rounds online, with some classic bystander commentary.
"This young lady here with the green shirt, she done decked a girl out - Tracy Turnblad. Poor girl over there devastated, she ain't dancing around today."
Although celebrating the birth of the baby Jesus was five months away, the heavens shone on the world of the celebrity spotter in July with the birth of Jolie-Pitts five and six, Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline, in Nice, France.
Can I get an alleluiah?
As is par for the course with two gorgeous superstar parents the twins (Brad and Angie don't do things by halves!) were bloody gorgeous. If Knox was just twenty years older...okay, I kid. I am not going there.
Little Vivienne was born with her mother's famous lips and Knox, daddy Brad reported, "looked like Vladimir Putin" when he was born. Somehow I doubt that.
Rachel Hunter's toyboy hockey player Jarrett Stoll popped the question to our beloved supermodel on a visit home, and the country collectively cracked open a Trumpet in celebration. What's your favourite flavour? I like boysenberry.
A piece of sad gossip had a happy ending for Married With Children actress Christina Applegate when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. The 36-year-old underwent a double mastectomy and tackled her situation with some amazing positivity, telling American TV that her planned surgically reconstructed breasts will mean "I'm gonna have cute boobs till I'm 90."
David Duchovny's life started imitating art a little too much, with the Californication star first going into rehab for sex addiction and then splitting with wife Tea Leoni. It had all the elements of a classic Hollywood sex scandal: internet porn, a comely tennis instructor, and Billy Bob Thornton.
Lily vs Elton
Lily Allen butted heads with music's most famous queen this year when she combined hosting duties for the GQ Man of the Year awards with an abundance of free champagne.
Little Ms Allen soon began effing and blinding up a storm, flubbing her lines and letting the business at hand fall by the wayside. A rapid decline!
When Lily announced they'd come to ‘the most important part of the night,' her co-host Elton John quickly quipped "what, are you going to have another drink?"
To which she replied "F**k off Elton. I'm 40 years younger than you and have my whole life ahead of me!"
Says Elton, legendary for his addictions to alcohol and cocaine in the 70s: "I could still snort you under the table."
Lily: "F**k off. I don't know what you are talking about."
Lily quit drinking soon after.
The year's most tragic baby name
Ashlee Simpson-Wentz had the dubious distinction of giving birth to the celebrity tot with the year's most dire name, Bronx Mowgli Wentz. The amalgamation of a tough New York neighbourhood and that kid from The Jungle Book is sure to give the kid issues that last way beyond either of his parents' careers. All that and he has to deal with Papa Joe Simpson as his grandad.
Meanwhile, big sister Jessica launched a new perfume. What would eau de Jess entail? You may think it'd smell of barbecued ribs, hairspray and the scent of desperation, but Jess has a novel way of trying to hawk her product.
"When asked about the product by a US talk show host, class-act Jess revealed its added benefits," reports the NW. "You can get into an elevator and actually pass gas and you just don't smell it," she says."
Hef still likes ‘em young
It was the end of a TV era at the Playboy Mansion towards the end of the year as Hef's three girlfriends said sayonara to life with the randy octogenarian. Within weeks Kendra Wilkinson (the dumb, sporty one) was engaged to Philadelphia Eagles football player Hank Baskett.
Holly (the dumb, desperate one) who spent most of her days trying (and failing) to get an 82-year-old to marry her, eventually gave up the senior citizen ghost and hooked up instead with greasy magician Criss Angel.
Holly Madison and Kendra Wilkinson may not have let the door of the Playboy mansion hit their perky asses on the way out - but they may be better off out of there. Hef's rumoured new girlfriends, 19-year-old twins Kristina and Karissa Shannon, have rather a dodgy past.
The twins were both arrested for felony aggravated battery at a Florida house party last January. The pair beat down a co-worker at Wing House (an ‘upmarket' version of Hooters, according to what I've read) with a beer bottle, leaving her with a cut scalp and concussion. They both escaped relatively lightly with a fine and probation.
But wait, there's more! Two months before the beer bottle beats Karissa was arrested for kicking her sister in the face.
I don't mind if they give Hef a whack or two, but they better leave Mary out of it. Mary rocks.
The emergence of Uncoolgate
Jennifer Aniston, Hollywood's very own Bridget Jones, graced the cover of US Vogue's December issue and made plenty of headlines along the way. I'm sure that was entirely accidental. On the cover Aniston sports a red dress and a headline next to her head which reads ‘Jennifer Aniston: What Angelina Did Was Very Uncool.'
Oh no she didn't! Oh yes she did. Aniston just dissed St Angelina of Jolie.
Turns out what she was referring to was Angelina's declaration several months ago that she and worn-out babydaddy Brad Pitt fell in love on the set of Mr and Mrs Smith in 2004 - while he was so still married to Jen.
Meanwhile, Jen couldn't catch a romantic break and got a public dissing from her ex, John Mayer, when he announced to the New York paparazzi that he was the one who dumped her suntanned ass.
"I ended a relationship because there is no lying," he said. "I ended a relationship to be alone because I don't want to waste somebody's time if something's not right. I don't waste people's time."
The pair later reunited.
Sharon calls out Nicole's forehead
Sharon Osbourne, the woman who calls it as she sees it, didn't mince any words when it came to the Hollywood heavyweights who are less than honest about the plastic surgery they've had done on a US talk show.
She saved a special shout out for a certain flame-haired Aussie actress who's started looking more waxy than her figurine at Madame Tussaud's as of late.
"Nicole Kidman's forehead looks like a f**king flat screen TV!" she exclaimed.
For the record, Kidman sticks to the story that her creaseless forehead, stiff skin and dramatically arched eyebrows are entirely natural.
Bye bye to Madonna and Guy
After months of rumours regarding a possible divorce Madonna and Guy Ritchie finally made an announcement, well, about divorcing.
And no sooner was the marriage off than so were the gloves.
One of Guy's friends blabbed to a UK paper that the director told him sharing a bed with hard-bodied Madonna was like "cuddling a piece of gristle."
He says: she's a control freak obsessed with a weird religion. She says: he begrudged her the limelight, didn't want to adopt again and refused to move to New York. He also infuriated Madonna by "hitting out at her acting ability." No jury in the land would disagree with him there, Madge.
"I'm not crazy, y'all. No, really!"
Britney Spears' campaign to get back to normality gained a boost with success at the MTV Video Music Awards in September. After the debacle of her 2007 performance at the same awards, Britney collected three moonmen for her song ‘Piece of Me' with a rather well-behaved weave, underwear on beneath a vintage Versace dress and no sign of the crazy-eyed, umbrella wielding, Frappucino sucking Brit of old in sight.
Brit Brit later opened up in a TV documentary on her new, regimented lifestyle.
"I sit there and I'll look back and I'm like I'm a smart person - what the hell was I thinking? I've been through a lot in the past two or three years, and there's a lot that people don't know."
Word on the gossip street for a long time is that Britney is a sweet, obliging girl - but ‘smart' is apparently not an word you can use to describe the fallen pop princess.
She tells the camera that her life, micro-managed by conservator dad Jamie, lacks excitement and passion, and implies that being back on the pop star conveyor belt is worse than a prison sentence.
"I have really good days, and then I have bad days,' she says in the doco. "Even when you go to jail, you know there's a time when you're gonna get out."
"But in this situation, it's never ending. It's just like Groundhog Day."
Hmmm, that doesn't sound too promising, does it? I'll keep you posted on her in 2009.
The supermodel who doesn't have it all
The mystery of 2008? The missing bellybutton of Czech supermodel Karolina Kurkova. The 24-year-old has been a long-time Victoria's Secret model and donned couture brands on the catwalks of Europe - but her bellybutton, seemingly, has not been along for the ride.
Karolina has neither an innie nor an outtie, instead, she has what looks like a little dent in the bellybutton region. Neither a hole nor a plug. A pot hole on the highway of her abdominals.
Where did it disappear to? I suspect down the black hole with the red tint of Nicole and Lindsay's hair and Tara Reid's dignity.
Heather Locklear got busted driving under the influence, Barack Obama's camp said thanks but no thanks to Lindsay Lohan's offer of political endorsement, and Gordon Ramsay hit the headlines for, er, reportedly dipping his spoon into an extra-marital side dish. For seven years!
Gordon and Mrs Ramsay adopted the Beckham-style approach of smile, shut up and deny all, and the millions continued to roll in unabated.
The Olympics were in August, filled with the spirit of competition, companionships and Coca-Cola. Everyone got a crush on Michael Phelps' body, but naturally celebs had to attempt to make the biggest sporting event on earth about themselves.
Jennifer Lopez dropped her baby lard after giving birth in February by training for a triathlon - but the diva became a tad confused when appearing on American breakfast TV when the world was gripped by Phelps fever.
A source from Good Morning America blabbed that Lopez didn't quite get why everyone was talking about "that swimmer" and not her triathlon.
"She couldn't come up with Michael Phelps' name, and then she yammered on about how she was the one training for a triathlon just six months after giving birth and how that was the big story right now, not ‘the swimmer.'"
Still on the Olympic theme, P.Diddy apparently likes to get diddly with it. When an American mag asked him which Olympic event he'd be a gold medal winner at, the Diddster didn't need time to think.
"Who could have sex the longest," he said without hesitation. "I think that's an event I can do well in. And probably who could stay up the longest. Just so you know, that's supposed to be funny. Even though I am serious."
With lines like that, Diddy wouldn't be competing in any pairs events.
Alicia's 'State of Mind'
International Emmys bring out the stars
David Frost honored at International Emmys
