Woman's Day says the rather unlucky in love actress is ‘getting ready' to be a mum to twins with John Mayer.

They base their story on a report from last week by US magazine Star, one of the trashier American tabloids with a not very good record of accuracy. But when did we ever let that stop us? Their latest angle pitches that Jen has been undergoing fertility treatments, determined to have a pair of babies with John.

Aniston, please! Every Tom, Dick and Harry in Hollywood is pushing out babies two at a time now. Low-rent! Twins are getting so passé. Surely she can only one-up Angelina if she has triplets.

If it's true, then it must be serious. The Aniston's given up the fags. She's eating foul-sounding things like cassava root, and nice things like beef and milk. She's cut out alcohol. And she's into Eastern medicine.

More serious is what sounds like Jennifer's severe case of the Lame-os. She uses a picture of her toyboy as her computer screensaver, and several of his songs are her mobile ringtones.

"Sometimes when the phone rings, Jen doesn't want to answer so she can keep listening. John's songs are so intense."

Barf.

New Idea also focus on Jen's reproductive organs, and while the stories aren't word for word identical a lot of the quotes are the same. You won't need to read both.

The Weekly has the same sort of thing. Gah! Enough already. Must I self-impose a Jennifer Aniston gossip ban?

NW is also jumping on the Aniston Express, declaring that the actress and Mayer are planning a secret Mexican wedding to tie in with Jennifer's 40th birthday in February. They say the bump's already present and accounted for and that there'll be three of them up on the altar in a few months time.

I wouldn't be putting any money on it. How about you guys?

They report after the massive hoo-ha when Jennifer married Brad Pitt, this time she's planning a more relaxed approach to nuptials. "She wants people doing tequila poppers and listening to a mariachi band," says the mag.

Now there's a wedding reception I could get behind!

The only blip on the love-struck horizon may be the story's sidebar, where Pink (who I think is awesome) says John Mayer told her that ‘I only shag really stupid women.'

Geez, you would think Nicole Kidman was the only woman in the world to ever have borne a child, the way she's going on about it. Yes, babies are wonderful and every childs's a gift, blahblah. But childbirth happens every day! I know some people may not want to believe that, but it's true. I love how celebs think they've re-invented the fricking wheel. Check out Nicole's slightly nauseating swooning in the Weekly.

"Colours now seem brighter, sounds are sharper and even the air around her is electric with an excitement she didn't feel before," reports the mag.

Drama queen!

She had an easy labour. She doesn't want to die and leave her child behind. Her heart races and she bursts into tears every time she sees the kid, it sounds like. "The sheer excitement of seeing her baby at the start of a new day was almost overwhelming for her." Meanwhile, what are the adopted two, chopped liver?

"She now sees everything through the prism of Sunday being born."

Not much pressure on you then, Sunday. Not much at all.

The NW has a list of rules Victoria Beckham has issued husband David with before the dishy dimwit departs for several months playing football in Milan.

It's not called The Insecure Woman's Guide To Keeping A Handle on Your Hot Husband, but it may as well be. So what says Vic?

He's banned from clubbing, carousing, female assistants and groupies. She wants a say in what he does after hours, and where he sets up camp in the uber-fashionable Italian city.

"Victoria wants David not to go out nightclubbing or hanging about in late-night bars where he might be pictured with girls, unless it is a clear outing with team-mates and something that looks official," reports the mag.

And could it be true that Nicole Richie is scheming to get her boyfriend's twin back with his ex-fiancee, skinny Aussie actress Sophie Monk? Little mix! That Richie is rather bitchy. But all forms of decency are off when it comes to dealing with Paris Hilton, so I think she's excused.

The same mag reports on a potential Richie-Madden wedding, saying they're forgoing everything fancy for a cask wine and wiener wedding reception - in a homeless shelter.
A hobo wedding? Will they invite the Littlest Hobo? They better send his invitation early, because it takes him a while to get anywhere.

Apparently our Nic believes her low-rent nuptials will be "just the thing to cleanse her of her rich, party-girl past."

Equally as interesting in the New Idea is the story about Charlie Sheen ditching his pregnant wife to go party with strippers in Vegas. Five months married and with twins on the way, Charlie headed to the city of women of ill repute and substandard boob jobs for a boy's night out. Somewhere out there in LA, Denise Richards just had her day made.

Is anyone surprised? Charlie dated several porn stars and was one of madam Heidi Fleiss' best customers in the 90s. Track record says, then, he's no choirboy, right? Er, Mrs Sheen? Leopard. Spots.

"Although he wasn't actually cheating on his wife, he may as well have been," says the mag.

I'm not into this dilly dallying. You either are or you aren't doing the dirty - so I'd gather from this particular quotation the source hoped that he would, but he didn't.

NW has some good smut this week, with reports that Lindsay Lohan's been dumped by her DJ lover Samantha Ronson over some incriminating snaps which show her in bed with...a fella. It could be Photoshopped, but I love scandal, thus choose to believe it's not! Photos of her in her robe and in her knickers accompany.

She is, the mag announces, afflicted with "boy-crazy demons," and follows up with tales of her undignified chase of er, Chace Crawford.

"Linds is adamant she's not a lesbian and still loves men...she says Sam is the only girl she would go for."

They say pals of the rapidly fading star say her new take on sexuality is more to do with insecurity ‘about being alone.'

"Lindsay loves attention. She needs to constantly be complimented and told how beautiful she is. If it's not from Sam, she'll get it from someone else."

Mary-Kate Olsen is squabbling with sister Ashley over exactly how, um, identical twins should really be. The Day reports that Ashley wants to get a boob job and wants Mary-Kate to get one too - so her one won't be so obvious. I mean after all, what's a bit of silicone between sisters? Mary-Kate, unsurprisingly, is resisting the idea. She likes the way her much-imitated boho chic wardrobe looks on a small pair of boobies.

And that's all from the mags this week!